Author Topic: Utterly Incompetent Adventures  (Read 3566 times)

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Offline Ickyrus

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Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« on: November 07, 2013, 06:29:14 am »
Rules: Don't like them, don't play.
This game is supposed to be ridiculous fun, not a means to play out a sob story, dating scenario or to take out your anger through violence towards other player's characters; SO:

  • Don't take yourself too seriously.
  • No reciprocal flirting/romances; Hopeless romantics are acceptable characters, but flirting MUST be hopeless and painful to watch.
  • No playing characters with excessive sex-appeal. You want to be a large-breasted, sultry minx, or a dark and mysterious hunk, go elsewhere.
  • No godmodding or otherwise over-skilled characters.
  • PLAYERS MUST WORK TOGETHER TO ACCOMPLISH TASKS AND OVERCOME CHALLENGES. No single character should be capable of doing anything alone unless it is through some kind of dumb-luck when no other solution seems to have worked.
  • No major battles/killing of other player's characters. If someone wants to leave the game, only they or the DM can see to their end unless a specific request is made of another player.
  • If you feel the need to have a tiff with someone, keep it small. Rivalries are fine, but don't go spoiling the game for anyone else with negativity. Also, if you choose to have on-going rivalries all parties must consent to mutual hatred.
  • NO BUMPING. Everyone who wants to play/watch, subscribe to the thread or keep it pinned in your browser. If it falls off the front page occasionally, so be it.
  • NO OVER-POSTING. This will progress at a pace comfortable for EVERYONE, don't take it over.
  • NO SHORT POSTS. Unless there is no choice, posts must be thought-out and meaty.
  • POSTS MUST ALSO BE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT for the most part. If you forget the odd comma, I'm not going to kill you. BUT if your writing irritates the DM or other players, you won't be treated kindly.
  • POSTS MUST CONTAIN DECENT SPELLING. R, u, and otherwise rubbish attempts at making words will be deleted by a mod. Accent spelling is acceptable, but it must be legible unless your character is supposed to be difficult to understand.
  • NO DRIVING THE PLOT ON YOUR OWN. That's the players as a whole and the DM's job. Where characters have to go, and what they must achieve is mostly pre-set, but it's up to all players to agree on where to go, what to do, and how to do them. Like the real world, this doesn't revolve around you.
  • IF I SAY NO, IT BLOODY WELL MEANS NO. If for some reason I tell you that your action/character/grammar/behaviour/RP style is not suitable, that's final. Don't argue, because I don't care about your feelings.

GENERIC MARY-SUE, ANGSTY, MYSTERIOUS, LONE-WOLVES AND OTHERWISE BLAND CHARACTERS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
I will be screening every single player's profile, and you will be rejected if it's not good enough. (Or bad enough, as the case should be) If you fail, or if you don't feel comfortable even trying, you can take your chances letting me make you something. But you only get one character generated, and if you don't like it, you won't be playing.

ALL PROFILES MUST BE SENT TO ME IN A PM.
I don't want other characters knowing your details and reacting to them without having to go through the effort of first discovering them. Physical descriptions will be posted by me as they get approved. Neither names of players, nor of the characters will be associated, that's up to you to figure out.

I AM A HARSH AND HORRIBLE PERSON.
I will not be swayed by whining and/or how desperate you are to join. I will DM with an iron dice to ensure that this RP doesn't get derailed into the trashcan.



UTTERLY INCOMPETENT CHARACTER PROFILE (Send in PM or via IRC to Ickyrus)
One character each. You're meant to play with other people, not yourself.


Name: (Pretty straight forward. What'll you name your character?)

Age: (Optional, nobody really cares)

Species: (Be as creative as you like. Heck. Be a vegetable, everyone likes a potato)

Where are you from?: (Look at the map below, choose somewhere nice, or not-nice, just choose somewhere.)

History/Backstory: (Remember, this is meant to be FUN. Try not to bog it down with tragedy.)

Physical Description: (Is that what you call a nose? I thought you'd stuck a mango on your face.)

Why are you in the desert anyway?: (Give me a reason so that I may judge you)

Personality: (YOU NEED ONE OF THESE. If you need to be a cliché, aim to be a decent one.)

Abilities: (NOT NECESSARY. You DO NOT need to have any talents or decent abilities. But if you like, you can be good at something completely unhelpful, like knitting. Maybe you're an expert on the functions of an elephant's knees.)

Likes and Dislikes: (You never know what might come up, and you'll have to react accordingly.)

Character specific quest: (Add a mission that your character has set out to complete.)

Correspondent: (Who would send a letter to the likes of you? Doesn't matter if you can't read/write, someone out there really wants to contact you.)

THE IMPORTANT PART:

Incompetencies: (What can't you do well or at all? Do you need to go to Zoolander's school? Are you generally air-headed, clumsy, feeble, untrustworthy, indecisive, cowardly, etc? Are you a crab that can only walk sideways? Does your character suffer from hay fever or other disease? Have as many flaws as you like and try to be creative. The point is to be useless.)

MAP: CLICK HERE. NO, NOT THERE, YOU NITWIT! OVER HERE.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2013, 10:10:28 am by Ickyrus »

Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2013, 06:29:57 am »
UTTERLY INCOMPETENT QUESTS
Your current missions, should you choose to accept them: (More will become available over time)
  • YOU START OUT on the forsaken desert of Dunwana Be'ere Island. Why you're there is your own business, but everyone and their mum knows that you don't want to be here. It's quite a large island, and by~the~great~mole~Oe's~nose is it hot. Who knows what's hiding in the sands that surround you. It could be treasure, it could be food, it could be something that you really wish you hadn't gone searching for. But it's probably nothing. Already you have sweated out your last drip of salty backjuice into your last sock and it's not even Tuesday. There are rumours of an oasis somewhere to the west, but finding it may take longer than your last pair of back-to-front-inside-out undies can handle and you aren't sure you want to risk the chafing.  Perhaps there's some kind of town near the coast if you could find it, a cave to hide in or even a mangrove where you could get yourself a boat. Boats grow on trees, right?
  • Find other players. There aren't many beans left in your last tin, but maybe you can pool them together with someone else. They might have clean underwear that'll fit you, too. Besides, you've been hopelessly wandering alone for so long that some company might be nice. ACCOMPLISHED.
  • Deal with the lumpy things in the desert. Perhaps they'll help you get out of the desert. Maybe you can defeat them and turn them into a boat to get off this island.
  • Gather some supplies. You know you're bad at life in the wilderness, so maybe there's somewhere in this cruel world where you can find some pre-packaged food that won't try to kill you. The memory of the carrot that leapt from the ground and latched onto your face are still too painful to revisit. You used to think bunnies were all cute and cuddles too, until you tried to eat one.
  • Acquire a boat. You need to get off this island somehow, and floating on your back will probably give you some serious salt rash, if you don't drown or get eaten by a penguin.
  • Learn to fly.
  • You've been summoned to King Frogseat's court. You have no idea why the revered king of the Fungho islands is so interested in you. Perhaps you do know, and that's why you're not there. But there's only a matter of time until some fun fellows come along and drag you there, so it's probably best to go willingly and try your best to look innocent. Try not to keep him waiting too long.
  • Go home and get a job.
  • Find out what you really want in life.
  • At some point you saw that Princess Pufforb had put out a notice, asking that someone find her pet axolotl. Perhaps you can win yourself a reward or some favour with the girl. Where abouts might such a creature wander off to?
  • Murder, plunder and otherwise pilfer back the noble status that has been lost.
  • Find a postman. Postmen are wonderfully practical. No matter where they are or where you have come from, you can be certain that they have mail addressed to you.
  • Acquire a small wagon and find a nice person to tie you to it.
  • Slay the Stinkhorn. Whatever the Stinkhorn is, you know it is better off dead. Maybe it has treasure. Probably best to gather some information on it, and that treasure.
  • Learn what love is.
  • Do the job that was set out to be done.
  • Find the Queen's runcible spoon. Her utensil has fallen down the sink and washed down the Mighty Sodding River. It's quite a long stream, so it could be anywhere. Maybe someone has seen it.
  • Find the creator and interrogate them.
  • Find a place with steady adventure work.
  • Visit the old hermit on Hag Hill. It's really more than a mountain than a hill. A very tall mountain. Better have some good climbing gear.
  • Find the mystic pizza of Fungalia and bring it to lord Hrumph within 30 days.
  • Destroy the world's technology.
  • Find the great cucumber. It's pretty great, who wouldn't want to find it?
  • Produce cleaner emissions.
  • DO SOME ADVENTURING. You're adventurers. It's what you do.
  • Make friends, have some adventures and bring home the greatest story of all time.

COLOUR INDICATORS:
Brown: If you're a peasant, this is for you.
Magenta, OR PINK TO YOU HORRID PEOPLE: Character Quest. One among you really wants to do this, but is anyone going to own up to it?
Purple: Royal quest. If you care for your king, queen, princess, prince and country, you'll want to do these ones.
Blue: It's really not that important
Green: If you're a hippie, you might be more inclined to do this
Yella: Kidney disease. It's pretty urgent, but you might be able to ignore it for a while.
Orange: GET TO IT BEFORE IT GETS TO YOU
Red: This is the most important thing in your life. Like a grilled-cheese sandwich or slab of bacon, you just can't leave it be.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 05:39:12 am by Ickyrus »

Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2013, 06:30:26 am »
CHARACTER SIGNUPS ARE CURRENTLY: CLOSED
I'm too lazy to draw things, so here's some vague descriptions of the characters. MORE MAY BE ADDED AS EVERYONE FINDS OUT ABOUT THEM.

THE FIELD GUIDE TO THE UGLY MUGS YOU'RE TRAVELING WITH.

Character #1:
Looks like a cloud of black smoke with a big brass nose sticking out of it.

Character #2:
A shark that seems to be stuck under a scuba tank. Like Character #1 it has a really long schnoz.

Character #3:
Looks like a cat, smells like a cat, probably is indeed a cat.

Character #4:
Would look very good in a pot pie. It's a pigeon.

Character #5:
Scraggly looking possum thing.

Character #6:
Looks like a hairy noodle. It's probably a ferret.

Character #7:
Looks like a tourist.

Character #8:
A panda what's red and stuff. Doesn't look much like the black and white sort.

Character #9:
One of those things that barks and isn't a tree. Looks like it'd go retrieve a stick if you threw it away.

Character #10:
Robot hawk? Falcon? One of those nasty looking bird things. If it's clockwork, it's not a cuckoo. Doesn't have much in the way of wings though. Maybe it's a short-beaked kiwi or dodo.

THE FIELD GUIDE TO THERES, WHERES, HERES AND YOURS.
I think most of you have a decent grasp on this, but this here will be a reminder for all furtopians on HOW TO GRAMMAR. If you still can't get it right, you will be kicked from the RP.

WE START WITH THE THERES:
There: Refers to a place that you aren't.
OVER THERE, YOU FOOL.
Remember this because it has HERE in it, just like WHERE. They are a set.
Their: Refers to a thing that doesn't belong to you.
THAT BELONGS TO THEM. IT'S THEIRS, YOU FOOL.
Remember this because it's much like the word weird. Something isn't yours? HOW COULD THIS BE?
They're: Abbreviation (shortened version) of THEY ARE. You see that space and the A? It gets replaced by one of these: '
THEY'RE SAYING YOU ARE A FOOL. WHO ARE? THEY ARE, YOU FOOL.
Remember this because apostrophes ( ' ) are sneaky blighters that HIDE LETTERS FROM US in many cases.
There's = THERE IS
Theirs = Belonging to THEM.

ONTO THE WHERES:
Where: Also to do with the location of things.
WHERE IS IT, YOU FOOL?
Remember this because it matches here and there.
Were: DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE WHERE. It refers to how something was in the past.
What were you when you were a child? YOU WERE A FOOL, JUST LIKE YOU ARE NOW.
Wear: The act of applying clothing and the like to your body.
WEAR THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER, YOU FOOL.
Remember this by, JUST REMEMBER IT, OKAY. Go to school and try learning something for a change instead of WHINING dammit.

THE HERES:
Here: Where you are currently.
I AM HERE, YOU FOOL.
Remember this by IT'S IN THE SET. There Where Here.
Hear: To receive sensory information through your ears.
CAN YOU HEAR EVERYONE CALLING YOU A FOOL, YOU FOOL?
Remember this because it even has an EAR in it to make it easy for FOOLS.

FINALLY YOURS:
Your: it belongs to you.
FOOL IS YOUR
TITLE.
Remember this because OUR is also possessive (belongs to someone).
You're: YOU. ARE.
What are you? YOU'RE A FOOL.
Remember this BECAUSE THAT DAMN APOSTROPHE ( ' ) HAS HIDDEN THE LETTERS AGAIN.

ON APOSTROPHES, WHICH ARE THESE: '
Apostrophes can do TWO things.

1: They pinch your letters and take their place. How do you know they have done this? TRY USING TWO WORDS IN THE PLACE OF ONE. If you can't get the hang of using apostrophes, then don't shorten your words until you can.
You are = You're. Could have = Could've. Would not = Wouldn't. Are some examples.
Some exceptions:
Will not BECOMES Won't. Cannot (SINGLE WORD) BECOMES Can't.
If a character for any reason does not pronounce any letters such as Hs or Ts, you can show that they are missing, and that you are not simply bad at spelling, by replacing the missing letters with an apostrophe.

2: They indicate ownership.
Something belonging to Joe = JOE'S. Something belonging to The Queen = The Queen's.
Some exceptions: WITH PRONOUNS (Those words you use to replace the name of something.)
Their BECOMES Theirs. Your BECOMES Yours. Her BECOMES Hers.
SOME COMPLICATED ONES:
His = It belongs to HIM. He is BECOMES He's when shortened. LISTEN TO THE DIFFERENCE IN SOUNDS. Hiz and Heeeeeez.
Its = It belongs to IT. It is BECOMES it's when shortened. Like he is, it is involves a pronoun and so the apostrophe DOES NOT indicate ownership.

SOMETHING APOSTROPHES DO NOT DO:
They DO NOT indicate that something is PLURAL.
One snake, Two SNAKES. One cabbage, Two CABBAGES. One Boss, Two BOSSES.
If you want many of something, simply add an S to the end, UNLESS THERE IS ALREADY ONE THERE. Then you add an E and an S to the end.
And if you want to be a noodle and start throwing MOUSES at me instead of MICE; then I think you should be smart enough to know better, unless it's just your backside that's intelligent, in which case I won't hesitate to introduce it to a steel-capped boot.

END OF FIELD GUIDE. Really, I should not have needed to do this. FOOLS, go back to preschool until you have grasped these concepts.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2013, 07:29:28 pm by Ickyrus »

Offline Loc

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2013, 06:51:34 am »
You already know I am in and all over this like a bad rash. I shall talk to you on the IRC about a character and you can tell me how wonderfully terrible it is. DEAL?

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Offline Miser

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2013, 06:54:05 am »
Just saving my seat, aint no one gonna steal my place, whatever it may be.
If I could have ANYTHING in the world, I would like a sandwich.

Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2013, 06:58:49 am »
Loc, sounds like we have ourselves a DEAL.
~Spits on the back of his hand and offers a foot to shake~
I got this.

And no one wants to sit anywhere you've been, Miser.

Offline Flarei

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2013, 09:29:41 am »
Save me a seat as well.
Furcode:
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Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2013, 10:08:26 am »
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FURTOPIA.
~Gets out more chairs, beats the internet with one~

Good to see some interest happening. Hopefully this'll go quite well
« Last Edit: November 07, 2013, 10:10:00 am by Ickyrus »

Offline Scion Tyven

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2013, 12:32:11 pm »
o.o

This is the best thing that I've ever read ever at all in the entirety of my whole life. Count me in ^_^ I'll send you a character soon, and make sure that it's exactly the perfect just like everyone else generic character. ^_^ Just cause I can tell you love that.
"There is no struggle too vast, no odds too overwhelming, for even should we fail — should we fall — we will know that we have lived." - Steven Erikson

Offline McMajik

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2013, 12:49:54 pm »
Well, this might not be the worst thing ever. I'LL GIVE IT A CRACK. Let me dust of the old imagination chest, milk the creativopus', scale mount interesting and all that Jazz.

Offline Jackie

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2013, 12:54:16 pm »
You've already seen Preston, so I'm just here to say, I'm in and Huzzah!
* The bear guy * "There's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip." ~ Henry McCarty ^_~

Offline HazardJackal

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2013, 02:20:52 pm »
Wow... i am utterly impressed by your ruleset.  Before i had felt like my own rules had been far too harsh on the player, but now i know that what i felt was necessary was founded in rationality, not from having the power get to my head.  I'll keep my eye on this one... might drop in if i like it.

Offline Kobuk

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2013, 06:21:41 pm »
I'll say this about your posts, Icky. They sure are "colorful".  :D
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Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2013, 08:59:24 pm »
No Kobuk. They're COLOURful. With a u for extra COLOUR. >:(

Trenyth, I'm a harsh person. The thought that the rules might be too harsh never crossed my mind. Power is already in my head, the best anyone else can do is bend to it.
BUT IF ANY OF YOU CROSS ME, YOU WILL BE PELTED WITH A THOUSAND DICE.

You can try, Majik. >:I ~Cracks reading glasses menacingly~ You better be good.

And congrats to Scion, Myself and Bear for being the first in, but I'll wait until I think there are enough before I put up mugshots and character quests to maintain the ambiguity.

Besides, I have to have a crack at badly drawing said mugshots.

Offline Scion Tyven

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2013, 10:01:37 pm »
:o you're drawing? This RP just got even more epic.
"There is no struggle too vast, no odds too overwhelming, for even should we fail — should we fall — we will know that we have lived." - Steven Erikson

Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2013, 12:25:03 am »
I drew the map :F Although the mugshots will be deliberately bad.

Offline Miser

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #16 on: November 08, 2013, 01:08:22 am »
I shall sit wherever I wish, sir. If no one wants to use my seat later on, I can hardly be blamed for that, now can I?
If I could have ANYTHING in the world, I would like a sandwich.

Offline Remley Bishop

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #17 on: November 08, 2013, 01:28:03 pm »
I think I might pull up a chair for this one, but I have to come up with something sufficiently ridiculous.  Hopefully I can make it in time.

Offline Remley Bishop

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #18 on: November 08, 2013, 01:56:51 pm »
Hey, I was wondering if we can come up with our own missions, or if the list provided are the ones we must pick from?

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #19 on: November 08, 2013, 02:53:34 pm »
Hey, I was wondering if we can come up with our own missions, or if the list provided are the ones we must pick from?

The character specific quest is for you to create yourself, but the rest are set as is....I think. Forgive me Icky if I'm wrong >_<
* The bear guy * "There's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip." ~ Henry McCarty ^_~

Offline Kaloth

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #20 on: November 08, 2013, 09:23:35 pm »
Hey you. I'm back from elsewhere specifically for this thread. Sent you a message.

Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #21 on: November 10, 2013, 12:03:46 am »
Yesssss. A wild Kaloth appears.
Remley, you make your own for your character and I toss it on the list WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. Or when I can, either way, it's yours to make.

I've got life and stuff on some day this week (MARIOPARTY WITH THE FLATMATES) so this definitely won't be starting until that's done. So you still have time to write things up.

Offline Ziel

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2013, 06:35:46 pm »
*prepares a mixed bowl of M&M's and Reese's Pieces and claims one of the good seats to watch from*

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Offline Drake Fireborne

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2013, 08:48:22 am »
If Majikbutt makes the cut, you better believe I'll be there.
Don't mess in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and go well with chocolate. - source unknown

Offline Ickyrus

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Re: Utterly Incompetent Adventures
« Reply #24 on: November 23, 2013, 07:16:36 pm »
RIGHT, PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEW MUGSHOTS POST AND ABSORB ALL OF THE INFORMATION PRESENTED UPON IT.

BUT JUST IN CASE YOU'RE TOO INCOMPETENT TO DO THAT;
SIGN UPS ARE CLOSED UNTIL I SAY SO. Deal with it.
Really, I've been as slow as a dead sloth getting this thing going. It's your own stupid fault if you didn't manage to get your daisies together and send in an application.

The RP will be started as soon as I feel like writing out the first post.
This should happen today, but I need to eat and drink tea and potter about. Maybe stare at the ceiling for a few hours.
REMEMBER; this will be a slow paced RP so that people can write DECENT posts with MEAT. So never be in a rush to get your bit of the action in. If your character is a bit dead, we'll just tie a rope to it and drag it along as needed.

If you feel the need to comment, ask a question or otherwise add something that I don't really care about; SEND IT IN PM OR FIND ME IN THE IRC. Unless you want to WHINE. Go do that to your mum. I really don't have the patience for dealing with your weak FEELINGS.
A discussion thread might be made later if there is a need for those watching and involved to discuss the RP, but won't be if there isn't any interest in having one.

RP POSTS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT:
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