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Author Topic: First mini attempt at a story...I probably need help.  (Read 225 times)
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« on: November 13, 2011, 04:14:51 PM »

erm, hello.  Smiley

My fursona's spent all his life floating around in my head, just existing there, not in ink or paint, so I just wanted to write a story about him. Today I felt like I could, but...I had trouble with a setting. I'm really into the bleak times in history, so it's set in the Black Death..which probably seems insane. erk.

This would just be the introduction to the story, and later bits would introduce you to parents and the village and things, before any death...but it's about sibling dependence, through bad times. (very bad times, in this case - eep). It's not 18+ or anything, the worst it gets is a mention of blood, so, moo, I'll hope I'll be okay posting it here. But I've never really written short stories before...I've read a lot, but never written. so...any tips at all, or constructive criticism, I would lap up. thanks.  Smiley

edit: I just looked at this page, and thought..."God, it's short..." oops. but maybe some tips still...? eek...
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The wind was battering the cottage, that November morning. If that wasn’t enough to wake the sleeping fox, the rain hitting his face certainly was. It wasn’t the homeliest of homes, or the sturdiest built.

Faryl blinked his eyes open, and groaned with dread. It was the 13th of November, 1348. He felt fear in his gut.

Gathering his thoughts together, he remembered the rumours of death. Travellers, locals, everyone was telling stories of hell from Europe, stories of a nothingness that blew in the wind. Yet he remembered his family, he was happy to have his parents, and his older sister, Elizabeth, with him. They were closely bound, had suffered together through much, but Faryl knew that any safety would be blown away in these winds that came.

He was scared, but he knew everyone else was.

Having pieced his brain together, he left his bed, only to find his sister already awake, knelt by their parents bed.

“…Liz? What’s wrong”, those words rattled his already trembling nerves. “Mother and father, they’re not well…” Her voice was shaken, and she began to weep. It was their nightmare, their pillows were bloodied and their cheeks pale and sinking. Faryl held her sister close. He was no comforter, but he tried his best to soothe, while his eyes welled up, his stomach sank and his legs fell weak.

He could see the dark days ahead, he held his sister close.
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tabby-point Siamese w/a tortoise shell
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2011, 11:58:39 PM »

This definitely has a strong hook, and I like how you ground the reader in the character right away with the first two lines.  However, I don't feel grounded in the setting very well.  If Feryl is inside a house -- even a poorly built one -- I wouldn't expect him to have rain on his face.  Has the roof been crashed in?  Or does it merely leak?

Then, Feryl gets out of bed and immediately finds his sister at their parents' bed -- do they all sleep in the same room?  I'm not sure from this, but, my best guess is that it's basically a one room house?  I also find it surprising that Feryl can go from waking up with the belief that his parents are fine to finding his parents lying in their bed nearly dead (at least, that's how they sounded to me) quite so quickly.  The BlacK Death must strike very suddenly?  If so, it might be worth mentioning that.

Overall though, this seems like a strong way to start a story.
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« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2011, 07:28:43 AM »

Thanks for the reply.  Smiley

I agree with you, though...it does seem a bit hasty and inconsistent. I didn't think through the rain on his face.  Sad I think, maybe, it should just be longer...maybe better if his sister wakes him up, to tell him the bad news. Or something... I was a bit confused myself over what type of cottage it was...I was going to say 'parent's bedroom', then I realised it's the 14th century.  Tongue So...some research needed from me, I think...

It was only written in about half an hour, when I write another part, I'll have to plan it a bit more, I think.

But I was more worried that my paragraphing and dialogue might be a bit off...I suppose I should work on the setting more then. I feel too ill to write anymore right now, but it's something I want to follow up.

Thanks for the comment again, everything helps.  Smiley
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tabby-point Siamese w/a tortoise shell
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« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2011, 01:19:12 AM »

Oh, right, in terms of paragraph breaks and dialogues, a good rule of thumb is that only one person should speak per given paragraph.  So, actually, you should have a paragraph break between

“…Liz? What’s wrong”, those words rattled his already trembling nerves.

and

“Mother and father, they’re not well…” Her voice was shaken, and she began to weep.

That'll make it a little more clear.  Anyway, good luck when you get around to working on this project again.  Like I said, it seems to be off to a promising start.
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« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2011, 03:57:16 AM »

Ah, okay, I didn't know that. Thanks for the tip. =)

Yeah, procrastination will be an enemy with this story...I've got a lot to sort out. =/ But thanks again. meep. ^^
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