(*please see above*) "Pretty colors..."
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« on: July 07, 2009, 10:45:59 pm » |
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I recently had an assignment in my online Theater class that asked for a specific description of "The Three Little Pigs" as a specific subtype of tragedy or comedy. The following is the result. Hopefully, some of you may enjoy the humor of this tale. Critiques and constructive criticism are welcome.
(Please forgive the somewhat excessive length. I got carried away.)
*****
(*The entire play is conducted with open curtains. Stage transitions are done promptly by set crew members dressed in black during periods of fadeout. The costumes for the characters can either be minimalistic (with pig snouts and tails for the pigs and a wolf tail and ears for the wolf) or more complete (with full pig and wolf costumes), depending on effect desired. In either case, the clothes worn by the characters are generic, with no indication to any specific class or culture.*)
(*The stage starts out with the lights off. A narrator's voice can be heard from offstage.*)
Narrator: You may know the story of the "Three Little Pigs". What you may not know is that the tale you've probably been told is the story as told by the three little pigs themselves. If you desire an unbiased tale, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. If you don't...
(*There are audible sounds of locking doors.*)
Narrator: ...then you will sit down and watch anyway, because the doors are locked. Well, actually, they're not, but we'd like it if you'd watch the show anyway. Enjoy.
(*The lights come on in the left part of the stage to reveal a cozy home with a fireplace and a large Christmas clock that reads 10:15 on the back wall. The wall facing the audience is missing except for an open door and a thin wooden frame for that door. There are four pigs in the home, a mother pig and her three little boys. The mother pig is in the kitchen area, and the three little pigs are playing around in the living area.*)
Mother: Guess what I made for you!
Pig 1: What is it, mommy?
(*The mother pig turns around to reveal chocolate covered cookies in her festive serving bowl.*)
Mother: I made Holiday cookies!
Three pigs: Yay!
(*The three pigs start eating some of the cookies.*)
Pig 2: I love you, Mommy!
Pig 1 and Pig 3: We love you, too!
Mother: Oh, come here, my little piglets! (*The four of them come together into a group hug.*) I love you all, and I will always love you!
Three Pigs: (*affectionately*) Oh, mother...
(*There is a short pause. The mother pig looks at the clock.*)
Mother: Five... Four... Three...
Pig 1: Mother, what are you...
Mother: (*uninterrupted*) Two... One...
(*The clock on the back wall jumps from 10:15 to 12:00, and it happily chimes the final verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas*)
Mother: Hallelujah! You're 18, and I don't have to take care of you anymore! (*The mother pig starts shoving her sons out the door.*)
Pig 3: But Mother... You love us!
Mother: Yes, but now it's time for you to spread your wings, and all that nonsense. More importantly, I'm free!
Pig 1: But where will we live?
Mother: That's not my problem now. See you at my funeral!
(*The three pigs are now completely outside. The mother pig slams the door, and the clock's chime abruptly halts. At the same time, the lights abruptly dim in the mother pig's house, and a new set of navy blue lights shine for the center stage area. There are also sounds of a rainstorm. After an awkward pause, one of the pigs finally recovers from shock.*)
Pig 3: We're going to need a house.
Pig 2: But we can't make a house. It's raining out.
(*Almost immediately, the sounds of rain are replaced with sounds of birdsong, and the lights change from a dim navy blue to a bright, vibrant yellow.*)
Pig 3: Hey, look! It isn't raining anymore, which means we can build a house now!
(*The third pig starts dragging the first and second pigs to the right area of the stage. Lights reveal a pile of straw, a pile of sticks, and a pile of bricks.*)
Pig 1: I'm going to make my house out of straw, because it's fun to make straw tepees. Once I'm done, I can play all day!
Pig 2: I don't like straw. I'm going to make my house out of sticks, because I like the brown hues they'll give to the house. I'm going to play all day once I'm done, too!
Pig 3: I don't like either of those ideas. I'll make my house out of bricks.
Pig 2: Is that because you're choosing to be responsible by spending more time building a sturdy brick house instead of playing all day?
Pig 3: (*a pause*) No, it's because I like throwing bricks, and a brick house means that I can throw bricks whenever I want.
Pig 2: Sounds good. Let's get building!
(*The three pigs immediately start building their houses. Pig 1 puts makes two towers of straw bales, then builds a pyramid on top and runs off to play. Pig 2 constructs a similar setup of four crudely constructed walls with a cardboard door and a pyramid roof and quickly follows Pig 1. Pig 3, however, spends the entire time lobbing a brick into the air. The lights go out with him on stage.*)
*****
(*The lights come on to a stage that is barren of all except Pig 1's "house". Pig 1 is inside, making a tepee of straw*)
(*A wolf runs in from the left side of the stage. He is of small stature and is conspicuously skinny. In a state of terror, he comes up to the house of the first pig.*)
Wolf: (*pleadingly*) Please let me in!
Pig 1: Who is this?
Wolf: (*The wolf shoots a glance behind him, then continues hurriedly.*) It is me, Linus the Wolf. Please let me in!
Pig 1: Wolf, you say? (*in a voiceover*) Oh, no! It's that Big, Bad Wolf that Mommy warned me about. He wants to eat me!
Wolf: Yes, I'm a wolf. I know how bad this sounds, but there's a mountain lion on my tail, and I need someplace to stay so that it doesn't eat me!
Pig 1: No, you're a wolf, and you're going to eat me!
Wolf: No, please listen! I assure you, I have been a vegetarian for my entire life! (*in a low but still rushed voice*) It wasn't easy figuring out how to hunt down remotely edible plants, and the scarcity of said plants certainly hasn't helped my physique, (*in a normal but still rushed voice*) but at least I didn't have to eat any of that *yucky* piggy meat!
Pig 1: No, you just want to eat me!
Wolf: Please! I... (*The wolf looks behind him.*) Oh, no! It's here!
(*The wolf, huffing and puffing, runs around Pig 1's house on the backstage side. The audience can see him running from between the two walls of Pig 1's "house", but both the wolf and the pig are too preoccupied to notice the conspicuous lack of a rear wall. A moment after the wolf leaves the stage on the right, a huge gust of wind comes by, and the entire house is taken up by it, leaving Pig 1 alone on stage with a single piece of straw in his hands. A moment later, that single piece blows away in the wind.*)
Pig 1: (*after a long, awkward pause*) Oh, dear... (*He runs off the stage to the right, and the lights dim.*)
*****
(*The lights come on once again to a stage that is barren of all except Pig 2's "house". This house, unlike its straw counterpart, actually has a front and back wall. The wall facing the audience has a large, haphazard, window-like hole through which the audience can see the action inside. Pig 1 and Pig 2 are inside, making a tepee of sticks*)
Pig 1: Thanks for letting me stay with you.
Pig 2: No problem! You said that a wolf chased you out of your straw home?
Pig 1: Yeah, none other than the Big, Bad Wolf!
Pig 2: I remember our mom talking about him! He's mean...
Pig 1: He is! He stormed right on up to my house and said (*in a low voice*) "Little pig, little pig, let me come in!" (*in a normal voice*) and I told him (*in a confident voice*) "NO! Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"
Pig 2: "Chinny chin chin"? You actually said that?
Pig 1: It sounded like a good idea at the time.
Pig 2: So, what happened next?
Pig 1: He... blew my house down. He was huffing and puffing, and the next thing I knew, I had not a single piece of straw to call home.
(*Linus the Wolf once again runs in from the left side of the stage. In a state of terror, he comes up to the house of the second pig.*)
Wolf: (*pleadingly*) Please let me in!
Pig 2: Who is this?
Wolf: (*The wolf shoots a glance behind him, then continues hurriedly.*) It is me, Linus the Wolf. Please let me in!
Pig 2: Wolf, you say? (*quietly, to Pig 1*) It's that Big, Bad Wolf again! What should we do?
Pig 1: (*quietly*) I don't know. Whatever you do, though, don't let him in!
Wolf: Yes, I'm a wolf. I know how bad this sounds, but there's a cougar on my tail, and I need someplace to stay so that it doesn't eat me!
Pig 1: But you said it was a mountain lion last time!
Pig 2: (*to Pig 1*) You never said he was being chased by a mountain lion...
Wolf: (*confused*) What? Is that you again? No, no, they're different names for the same animal. It doesn't what it's called if it ends up eating me, though! Please, let me in!
Pig 1: (*to Pig 2*) Mom said that the Big Bad Wolf will tell lies in order to trick you into being eaten.
Pig 2: (*to Pig 1*) Ah, I see. (*to the wolf*) No!
Pig 1: You'll just end up eating us!
Wolf: Please... (*The wolf looks behind him.*) It's here again!
(*The wolf, huffing and puffing, runs around Pig 2's house on the backstage side. A moment after the wolf leaves the stage on the right, a huge gust of wind comes by, and the entire house is taken up by it, leaving Pig 2 alone with Pig 1 on stage with a single stick in Pig 2's hands. A moment later, that single piece blows away in the wind.*)
Pigs 1 and 2 together: (*after a long, awkward pause*) Oh, dear... (*They run off the stage to the right, and the lights dim.*)
*****
(*The lights come on once again to a stage that is barren of all except Pig 3's house. This house looks like a legitimate house, with four sturdy brick walls (the one facing the audience having a glass wall), a shingled roof, a brick chimney, and a white picket fence. The three pigs are inside, and Pigs 1 and 2 are telling their story while Pig 3 is lobbing a brick into the air.*)
Pig 1: (*as the lights are coming on*) Then, the Big Bad Wolf stormed right on up to our brother's house and said (*in a low voice*) "Little pig, little pig, let me come in!"
Pig 2: And I told him (*in a confident voice*) "NO! Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"
Pig 3: "Chinny chin chin"? You actually said that?
Pig 1: It probably sounded like a good idea at the time.
Pig 2: I don't know why, but I couldn't agree more.
Pig 3: So, what happened next?
Pig 2: He... blew my house down.
Pig 1: He was huffing and puffing, and the next thing we knew...
Pig 2: We had not a single stick to call home.
Pig 3: That's... really sad. Feel free to stay here as long as you need.
Pig 1: How nice of you!
Pig 2: Thanks for letting us stay here, by the way.
Pig 3: No problem!
(*Linus the Wolf once again runs in from the left side of the stage. In a state of terror, he comes up to the house of the third pig.*)
Wolf: (*pleadingly*) Please let me in!
Pig 3: Who is this?
Wolf: (*The wolf shoots a glance behind him, then continues hurriedly.*) It is me, Linus the Wolf. Please let me in!
Pig 3: Wolf, you say? (*quietly*) It's that Big, Bad Wolf again! What should we do?
Pig 1: (*quietly*) I don't know.
Pig 2: (*quietly*) Whatever you do, though...
Pigs 1 and 2 together: (*quietly*) Don't let him in!
Wolf: Yes, I'm a wolf. I know how bad this sounds, but there's a panther on my tail, and I need someplace to stay so that it doesn't eat me!
Pig 2: But you said it was a cougar last time!
Pig 1: And a mountain lion before that!
Pig 3: (*to Pig 1*) You never said he was being chased by a mountain lion... or a cougar...
Wolf: (*confused*) What? You two again? No, no, they're all different names for the same animal. I may have been raised by wolves, but I assure you, I wasn't raised by wolves! I haven't been lying to you! (*The wolf starts wheezing again*) I just don't want to end up in the puma's stomach... (*under his breath*) Darn asthma...
Pig 1: (*quietly*) Mom said that the Big Bad Wolf will tell lies in order to trick you into being eaten.
Pig 2: (*quietly*) Whatever we do, we can't let him in!
Pig 3: (*quietly*) Ah, I see. (*to the wolf*) No!
Pig 2: You'll just end up eating us!
Pig 1: Go away!
Wolf: Why don't you believe... (*The wolf looks behind him.*) Oh, no!
(*A huge gust of wind comes by once again, but this time, the brick house is not afflicted. We finally see the source of the huge gusts of wind as a mountain lion/cougar/panther/puma that crashes right into the wolf. The cougar has a somewhat exaggerated muscular build and a conspicuously thin stomach area. The two of them bounce off the wall of the house and fall momentarily stunned at the side of the house. The wolf regains consciousness first.*)
Wolf: (*after a glance at the cougar*) Oh goodness, it's here! (*The wolf starts banging loudly on the door.*) Please, you have to let me in, now!
Pig 3: (*quietly*) It seems he isn't going away this time...
Pig 1: (*quietly*) Hey, do you have any bricks left over from this house?
Pig 3: (*quietly*) I do...
Pig 2: (*quietly*) And you did build a chimney on this house, right?
Pig 3: (*quietly*) I did... (*He suddenly gets an idea.*) Hey, I can throw these bricks up the chimney... (*He proceeds to do just that.*)
Wolf: Can't you hear me? There's a catamount out here, and it's about... (*a brick thrown by Pig 3 lands on the cougar's head, knocking it back down as it was getting back up*) ...You hit it... (*hurriedly*) Whatever it was that you just did, please do... (*Another brick falls, this time landing on the wolf's head. He falls unconscious.*)
Pig 3: (*after a period of silence*) I think he's gone...
Pigs 1 and 2 together: We're saved!
(*The three pigs begin to dance together in a circle. Meanwhile, the cougar wakes up, smiles, and starts dragging the unconscious wolf off the stage to the left. The narrator's voice from the beginning is heard again.*)
Narrator: The three little pigs would go on to tell their tale of how they bravely fought off the Big, Bad Wolf. And everybody lived happily ever after...
(*The lights go out, and after a while, a single light comes back on, revealing the cougar with an obscenely large smile and a exceedingly full stomach.*)
Narrator: ...that is, everybody except Linus the Wolf.
(*The lights go back out*)
THE END
(*edit: excessive blank lines nuked*)
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