So I wasn't really sure where to put this, but these are lyrics I wrote. All critiques are welcome.
Aggressive I was, acted from love, but spoke with hate
I need to be saved, if only you could see
My Wings are as Broken as My Heart
I feel so ashamed, the way I treated you
I've never felt such sorrow
You were right to cast me out, throwing me to my feet
Now I walk this hell alone
In front of me is a desolate throne
For those with Broken Wings, and Hearts of Stone
These tears I spill, Haunt me still
I needed to be saved, if only you could have seen
My Wings are as Broken as My Heart
Alright, these are really some amazing thoughts. These images have a lot of meaning in my own life.
Try to pay attention to your meter. You have good metric forms, but it is important to learn how to control and organize them. For example, let's divide your second line into parts:
|I need| The way this reads, you have an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable. This is good for creating a sense of "swing" in your poetry.
|to be saved| This reads to me as two unstressed syllables, followed by a stressed syllable. This creates a sense of a "declining" note, with a "bouncy" flourish at the end.
|if only| Here, the stressed syllable seems to be in-between two unstressed syllables. Read this fragment over and over, and you'll see that there is a sense of a "bounce" in there.
|you could see| Finally, here is another example of two unstressed syllables, followed by a stressed syllable.
If you try, you will find that it's worth it to focus on your meter. You get so much better flow! Just count on your fingers, and maybe write down the sequence of stressed and unstressed syllables. Then, you read ONLY THE STRESS SEQUENCE, not the words, aloud, saying them as "DUM-da-da-DUM-da-DUM." It really does help!
It is a beautiful, emotional poem, though, that reminds me of times when I was young. Thank you so much for sharing it with us!
