Author Topic: Undead Thing  (Read 2046 times)

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Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Undead Thing
« on: March 26, 2012, 05:19:17 am »
I really don't have a title for this short narrative I suppose it could be labeled. I'm posting it, mostly to throw something out into the forum and test the waters of the site. I wrote three unrelated sentences one day and then picked my favorite of them and wrote a small bit about it.

The sentence in this case was "I saw burning hollow lidless eyes that would steal the heart of man". What you are about to read, by the way, was written in 2007 and has never been edited or taken through more then its first and rough draft. I post it now, exactly as it appeared the day I wrote it back in 07.
Quote
I saw burning hollow lidless eyes that would steal the heart of man, upon loose skin and rotted flesh clinging to their bones, these dark orbs stole from me, my courage and breath. I saw in them hate for all things… pain, so much they had… and had to give.

Low moans carried upon fell winds where shadows move and darkness glides, following its wake, drawing upon fell horses, naught but of bone, came these rotted manifestations of sorrow. They moved with speed unlike their frail frames would guise, carried upon the very wings of the devil. Deep within unlife stirred, animated and kept by their scorn and anger for the living, they marched… they traveled the lands, and burning all in their wake.

Great men and mighty armies clashed time and time again, upon the earth, only to be pushed back by this deathless army. To this foe men had considered vanquished, only to learn… death had no place in their existence. They marched and marched, carried upon evil deeds and hells fury. All who were consumed joined them… Lost forever in their hate. Forced to march… to destroy.

The world stood upon the very brink of destruction, the last great battle of the living and the dead, was about to be decided upon a field of flowers, rolling plains of emerald green, speckled with whites and blues. It was here men united made their last valiant attempt at stopping a deathless foe… an army of the damned.

Here it was, a hero to arise, wielding a hallowed saber, struck at the dead, as they pushed forever onward, seeming not to stop, seeming only to rise, as they came without end. Forever striking on as the last gallant forces of man began to dwindle.

Calling out to idle gods, and passive deities, a lone hero stood upon a hill calling the names of all they served… all they knew. Beseeching for help, asking for light and life. For a chance… for the mean, for hope.

As if in answer of a prayer, dark clouds rolled back, and silver light shone through upon this bloody battlefield of death and suffering. Standing alone and broken a hero… who at their hand was felled the original contriver of this hatred.

As its bones turned black and body gave way, its soul was laid to rest and all was at peace again. The broken hero’s tears did so weep and fell to hallow earth. The ground forever a marker of hope, and a reminder of the courage of one… the power of the heart. Their body was broken, their soul free… they found their peace, with the dead.

And there you have it - you may post whatever you wish about it; I shall read and respond to any and all comments as I can.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Jet

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2012, 06:57:43 pm »
 :o   Wow. That was amazing. It really didn't start making sense to me until the third paragraph, but then again, I don't have a very large vocabulary. But I love the fight with death and the ending of death being peace. It is a really well written story. I saw some distinctive elements of old Greek mythology in there, whether it was intended or not. I recall you saying in your intro that you tend to have a world rumbling around in your head that is real to you. Have you ever tried to make a story revolving around that world. That's what my novel is about. I couldn't just write about the world itself, so I created people and am writing the story if this person as she lives in my world. I love it so far, and it seems to me you may enjoy, not to mention be good at, writing a novel based around this world that you speak of.
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


PLUR

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2012, 10:01:15 pm »
I have done so in the past - I never finish anything aside from short one off stories as it were. I've a few issues with writers block and the like.

I am glad you enjoyed what I wrote - I've never been certain if I liked this, or almost anything else I write.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Jet

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2012, 10:03:36 pm »
I'm always skeptical on what I write. I don't feel it's something people would buy or even read for that matter. But everyone I've showed my work to say it's amazing. Maybe we writers are just overly critical...
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


PLUR

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2012, 10:32:30 pm »
Mine comes from more then just being over critical - though that is not what we are discussing here.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Jet

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2012, 10:46:32 pm »
True, but I like the story. I want to see more of what you have written. Maybe you should try a full lenght novel with character development for your world, rather than short stories.
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


PLUR

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2012, 11:01:37 pm »
I'll dig through the files on my computer and throw some more things up. As for my world - PM me sometime and I can give you the long list of details.

As for the above - any critique you can offer?
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Jet

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2012, 11:12:29 pm »
This really isn't a bad thing, but it's too descriptive for me. What I mean is this isn't really something you sit down at night and read before going to bed. This is more of a scholar thing. Like something that would be in a text book. And After reading it, the students would have to analyze the reason the author wrote it and what it represents. You know, that sort of thing, which is great. I can't really see anything wrong with it, unfortunately. Not to sound mean, but I enjoy giving critiques on work and telling people what could use improvement. I don't mean this in a bad way, but rather that criticism is the way we learn and grow, and I like being the person to promote growth. This, though, this is a whole other caliber of writing that I for one am completely inexperienced in. From an audience point of view, it is powerful and emotional, borderline Edgar Allen Poe. (I hope I spelled his name right.) I enjoyed it and can't seem to find anything wrong with it. Sorry to disappoint. :P
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #8 on: March 26, 2012, 11:15:41 pm »
Yes, your praise offends me. Sounds silly when you put it that way, doesn't it? Thank you for the compliments, I appreciate praise as much as critique.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Tyrannus The Demon

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2012, 01:46:18 am »
I luv it :D

"It all started just a few hours ago...the squad was out on routine patrol across the plains...radio contact started to fail,all we could here were terrible screams...amongst teh screasm and gun-fire,we made-out one cry,'They're coming...they're...everywhere!'."

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2012, 09:27:29 pm »
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it - I have another post on here that has near everything I ever moved from my old notebooks to my computer if your interested.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Old Rabbit

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2012, 12:30:21 pm »
It is a interesting story ..  I have always heard one should
write on subjects you enjoy to be a good writer.

Keep up the good work. :orbunny:
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Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Undead Thing
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2012, 03:46:27 am »
Thank you kindly.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra