I got my admission ticket for DenFur 2023.
I still have not got a room booked. I do full fursuiting so a room is good to have.
The cost is high and I am sort of cost conscious. Not sure how many times I will go in future.
Also since last convention was sort of a downer with my guest, kinda shook me a bit. She just used me to gain access to a convention she wouldn't have been to without my help. I do feel used. And being hated on still makes me feel bad. I did nothing wrong but exist so far as I know.
So I may end up throwing in the towel on furry and just leave. I am getting old and everyone knows it. And honestly, I do not get enough compliments on my suit, my funny acts, my attempts to be outgoing etc. I try to make people happy, comfort anyone having a bad day, assist with people lost or confused, and also just be chill and take it all in. Mostly I end up doing little. Schedules are hard to keep, I get tired. I do not have interest in room parties, or group sex which I all know happens. At the rave, I get advances from men I can not fulfill etc. I am glad they like me, but I am wearing asexual pride flag near my con badge. I feel terrible each time saying no. But they wouldn't like me when they knew I was not into them so I always have to be mean and shut them down. It hurts us both.
I mean, to be blunt, I am not into gay culture since I am asexual. I have nothing against anyone, I just can't change what I am to force myself to fit in with respect to that. It would be a deep lie. I love to see people express themselves and be their true self. I loved watching Bagel Rabbit play electric violin. She is trans, she is awesome! I don't care she is trans, all I know is she is a cool bunny and dang can she play! It made me happy to see two guys who haven't seen each other in so long, run towards each other and hug and scream their boyfriends name. It is love, and world needs much more of that. So see, although I am not gay etc I am not a hater. But I do not seem to be accepted a whole lot.
I know there is a large part of furry I am not part of because it is "adult" and that does not really spark my interest. I am also not college aged so I am not of that mindset either.
Just an aging geek in a dog suit. I do have fun, I enjoy the dance competitions, and fursuit parade. I like to chat and eat, and browse artist alley and such. But IDK if that is enough anymore for me. Makes me sad.
So I guess, maybe I am saying, prove to me I should go. Maybe I will go. Not fair to ask someone else to make your decision. I know.
But I am so on the fence about this one.
I have stories I want to write, things I want to draw. I have something to share with others if people just wanted to hear. But... why?
It is sad, I have a career, house, dog, etc. I am older now. I have sooo many responsibilities, that it is draining. I can not escape that part of me. And if I am a downer at the convention, I do not want to bring anyone down at all.
IDK if anyone will even read this, or if they do if they would care. I wish I had someone to go to the con with who could accept me as me, and just have fun and laughs and make memories to last a lifetime.
But it seems everyone drags sex into it all. And for me it can ruin it.
I hate being who and what I am but I can not change it.
What I wanted was a buddy to go to the con with, someone who was good and up beat and not like my previous guest. I would love to have a life long "companion" who was sort of like me. Honest to God, all I ever wanted was a buddy who was like a dog to me, and I for them. Meaning, no need for a sexual relationship, share shelter food and bills, etc can laugh and cry and go on road trips together etc. Just like I do with my dog wanda etc. A buddy. A human one so I can talk human things at times. But , no.
So I will just be like I am now. Forever till I die.