The Need To Come Out

[Mylo]

This might come across differently than I intend, but why is there a need to "come out" about your sexuality?  I am not against coming out at all; in fact, I want to know why some people feel compelled to do so.  I can think of a few reasons myself, but I want to hear what everyone thinks...

[Avor]

I have no personal exsperience with that issue but I would think that there are a few common reasons. Such as to do away with the feeling that it should be a dark secrect, an required step to attract a mate, the process of self-discouvery and being honest and fearless with yourself and the world around you.

[Arbutus]

Personally, I don't feel a need to come out to most people. But then again, I'm weird.

For those who don't know, I consider myself to be both gay and asexual. Which is a strange enough concept for people that it takes me several minutes to explain and sometimes involves drawings and props. (Not kidding, lol.) So I don't bother telling most people that fact... I'll gladly talk about it if it comes up, but if it doesn't, why bother? It just feels weird and unnecessary to me. Mostly because of the "asexual" part. It's like, yes, I am going to make a giant deal about the fact that I have no secret love life, that I am in fact exactly the way you already thought I was.

On the other hand, I'm sure the situation is different for people with more common orientations. If sex and love and relationships are something you think about every day, then it's going to be rough for you to constantly hide what's on your mind. Not to mention that, like Avor said, being in the closet makes it a lot tougher to get a mate.

And I have to admit that being out does, on occasion, make things less awkward. If you don't tell them otherwise, pretty much every straight person will assume you're straight, and you will sometimes/often be roped into awkward conversations about "which actress is hotter," "hey there's this chick who really likes you," "so when are you going to give us grandchildren," etc. Maybe I should be more concerned about this than I am. But I'm not, lol.

[Fenny the Fox]

Personally, I don't feel a need to come out to most people. But then again, I'm weird.

For those who don't know, I consider myself to be both gay and asexual. Which is a strange enough concept for people that it takes me several minutes to explain and sometimes involves drawings and props. (Not kidding, lol.) So I don't bother telling most people that fact... I'll gladly talk about it if it comes up, but if it doesn't, why bother? It just feels weird and unnecessary to me. Mostly because of the "asexual" part. It's like, yes, I am going to make a giant deal about the fact that I have no secret love life, that I am in fact exactly the way you already thought I was.

On the other hand, I'm sure the situation is different for people with more common orientations. If sex and love and relationships are something you think about every day, then it's going to be rough for you to constantly hide what's on your mind. Not to mention that, like Avor said, being in the closet makes it a lot tougher to get a mate.

And I have to admit that being out does, on occasion, make things less awkward. If you don't tell them otherwise, pretty much every straight person will assume you're straight, and you will sometimes/often be roped into awkward conversations about "which actress is hotter," "hey there's this chick who really likes you," "so when are you going to give us grandchildren," etc. Maybe I should be more concerned about this than I am. But I'm not, lol.

Yay for being weird.

I am essentially the same, so I kinda fit here as well.

The only real issue for me with coming out is those awkward times (which happen a LOT around me, for some annoying reason). "Man, ain't she hot?""so, when are you getting a girlfriend?""Is she your girlfriend?""Who do you think is hotter?" Etc etc etc. I hate those moments. Because, I rarely have an attraction to either sex, and it has never been to girls.

But, more so, I think the reasons I have come out to the few people I have done so to, are more about knowing each other. Kind of "the more you know" relationships. I don't hide things well, unless I absolutely have to. And just my very attitude and mannerisms seem to through people for loops - fortunately, most people assume I am just weird and no one really thinks of me having any love life at all, let alone a secret one. Which is good, 'cause I don't.

Though, I am a "romantic" individual. I certainly have affectual connects to other people - always other men, in these terms. So, the subject has been breached of "date a guy or a girl?" To which I pretty much always answer honestly "a guy, as far as I can tell". I don't put it in terms of sexual connection, it simply gets relegated to that by other people. I am very forward about being pretty damn well asexual. If they can't grasp that, or try to peg me as anything else, then that is fine. Not my problem if they don't get it - their expectations will simply be destroyed if they try to peg me too much into a group.

So, I can see reasons to come out. But I don't think it should ever be but for one - that you really want them to know you that much better.


Did I make any sense?

[RaggedyHatter]

I never "came out" to anybody, and if I by some chance have kids down the line by some sort of means, I won't expect them to have to come out either. You love who you love, and that's enough for me.

[Arc]

I didn't come out, but I didn't hide it. If anyone asks, I won't lie, but I don't go out of my way for people to know.

I don't personally feel a need to tell the world, but I don't believe people should have to lie about who they are either.

[Mr. Apple]

I'm just tired of the awkward silence that follows after i'm accused of being queer. It doesn't offend me really, but it catches me a little off guard. Especially when other people i know are in the room. I'm terrible at lieing.

[Tuna]

I didn't come out, but I didn't hide it. If anyone asks, I won't lie, but I don't go out of my way for people to know.

I don't personally feel a need to tell the world, but I don't believe people should have to lie about who they are either.

This right here. I've told a few select people who really needed to know, but otherwise, mum's the word.
:3

[Jacoby Quinn]

how do you know who needs to know?(other than family as i am a ward of the state.)

[Loc]

I don't hide that I'm bi, but I don't feel the need to tell the whole world or even my family because I'm dating a guy, so they don't need to know I'm attracted to ladies as well. And I have never felt the need to tell them. My close friends all know though. One of those things that just comes out after you know people for a while.

[Ragnorrock_13]

To push me out of my cabinet, you would have to be very persuasive. I know that I am not bi or gay, but I an strongly asexual. I would be the guy that is a virgin at the age of 45, due to the fact that I chose to. It is very hard for a person who spent most of his life arguing that, "to be addicted to something, physical or metaphorically, is the wrong path in life."

Even though I am not gay or bi (please don't hate me for comparing my problems with yours ), does not mean that it is hard to convince someone, let alone yourself, that the interest is deeper than lust. That the feeling that you have a given person is deep and full of love, and even then how do you tell them. I most certainly will never never be able to do so. Due to the fact that I would convince myself to avoid all contact with the person my eye wanders to, male or female.

[PandaKo]

In my opinion there shouldn't be a need to "come out" to anything! I feel like if we did a better job accepting people, and not push them into our vision of normal all the unnecessary debates about sexuality and the taboo of it would be eliminated, thus eliminating the big hub bub about coming out. however I don't see that happening all too soon

[Slifer]

Parents have always been my reason for staying quite. Not exactly my parents but my friend's. If they found out it would probably turn into one of those "I don't know what could happen" sorta things. Since all of my friends are guys it could be a problem.

[Kay Alett]

I don't really feel a need to "come out" I'm bi with a strong pref for femeninity. A man with lots of muscles and six pack abs is about as attractive to me as a woman like that.

I like a person who is small, thin not especially "shapely", long hair and soft facial features. If these traits show up in either a man or a woman I could find either of them attractive.

Having said that however, I do display some asexual traits. I'm awkward around those I find attractive and so I don't feel comfortablee talking to them. I'm a natural submissive so I like them to make the first move, but most folk like the same so no one talks.   But as much as I enjoy the company of others I like to be alone too. I cherish my solitude a lot. It's a strange thing to try and explain that I enjoy being alone but hate being lonely.

I'm also very interested in crossdressing but have yet to go out in public dressed as a woman. A lot of guys I work with always ask what kind of girls I like but it honestly doesn't matter too much.


But i don't feel the need to come out. I used to often but it always confused people so I just stopped. It's the idea of liking feminine looking guys that confuses folk. They seem to think being in a relationship with a guy is as stupid as stepping on a landmine so I got a lot of questions along the lines of "If you like guys that look like girls why not just be with a girl?"

Hard to explain that it's not the gender or the sex of a person that matters to me (And yes I did mean to include both, there IS a difference.) but the person. It'd be like if I asked, "If you like blondes so much why didn't you marry Farrah Fawcett?"
You don't always get to choose who you fall in love with and if folks don't like that I'm different then they can feel free to go find a dimension where everyone is the same.

I like who I am, but I don't feel the need to advertise who I am. Call it the wonders of growing older and more mature.

[Slifer]

^ That's about how it is for me too.

[Fuzzyhusky]

luckily for me it was pretty easy for me to come out since i have two gay dads. They totally understood that i was bi and supported me all the way. But i still haven't come out to most of my friends yet, and when it comes time to tell them i'm not going to hide who i am from them, so if that means i loose their friendship then so be it.

[Alexandre]

I really needed to come out when I was younger.  In Utah, it's sort of a do-or-die type of thing, at least for a lot of us.  Because there is such a huge tension between gays and Mormons, people generally have to take one side -- be (or side with) Mormons, or be (or side with) gays.  Those Mormons who accept gays are generally shunned by the religion, especially the older population.

With this in mind, when I discovered I was gay, I wanted to change myself.  I tried for about eight years before telling anyone close to me, and when I did, I ended up going to a Mormon counciling center.  The lady there was amazing, and she told me I could be happy no matter where I ended up (I was extremely fortunate for getting her).

Keeping sexuality secret in Utah is painful because sexuality matters so much there.  Everything revolves around families, parents, and children.  To stray from a normal family is to make a religious and political statement.  I could never imagine myself staying closeted here; if I had, I don't imagine I'd be alive right now.

[Kay Alett]

*offers the Digby a big hug*

It's okay Alex, no matter what you're always accepted here, and we're all just as fortunate that you got an accepting person to help you. It wouldn't be the same round here without you.

[WhiteStorm]

I think some people do it just because they get sick of hiding it. I've never actually "come out" personally, because I just don't need to, but leaving my family to live overseas was quite relieving in the sense that I don't have to worry about them discovering anything and what their (over) reaction would be. Like... hey, I can finally just do whatever I want now. The people I meet will just know me as what I really am from the beginning and have no reason to ever be shocked by it. With family, unless you know your sexuality really early or are extremely open, I think there's always that part where they find out what they thought all your life was... well, wrong. And for a lot of people, even if they don't actually oppose it, that's like... what in the nine hells?!

Other than that it's been easier for me, though, because I'm bi and prefer (or rather, am less picky about) females, and since I've only had one relationship (with a female) that was a long road to nowhere, nobody ever had cause to question anything.