Author Topic: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)  (Read 1624 times)

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Offline Plantan

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The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« on: November 03, 2013, 02:35:02 pm »
Chaos
The birds still chirp as the rain pours down
Although on my cheeks there is a frown
The children in the town still play
As the bands’ music notes fray
As the women are at risk of nakes
The men are slithering around as if snakes
The teenagers scream at parents as if they did not matter
Couples spat as if they’re uncooked pancake batter
 
But yet the chaos good and bad
Comes to form all the young lads
It’s as if the sun
Causes chaos as part of the fun
The fun in life the joy of it all
Comes from every one as they fall
Realizing the young and old
Form together as they’re told
 
That’s all they have until they’re dead
They assume that’s the truth and the end

I Am From                                                                                                        
I am from ripped curtains of lace
From screams and yelps
I am from a place
Where no one can be helped
 
I am from anxiety
From the land of regret
Unpracticed is filial piety
From hiding in my head
 
I am from the stage
From telling ghosts
The things I page
As I wonder who Hell hosts
 
I am from talking to strangers
From cutting screaming fighting
From me being my only real dangers
From something in my head igniting
 
I am from pointe shoes and paint
From the intensity of burns and cries and screams
From accepting my fate
From many crushed dreams
I am from Blood on the Dance Floor                                                      
From “why am I not dead yet?”
From being torn
From feeling left out again
 
I am from feeling the darkness swallow me whole
From role plays with characters that no one understands
From suicide that circles me like a little troll
From being disobedient from others commands
 
I am from the colors emerging out of the skies of gray
From being me, myself, and I
But that’s the only way
To really feel alive

I Am
I am
I wonder
I hear
I see
I want
I am
 
I pretend
I feel
I touch
I worry
I cry
I am
 
I understand
I say
I dream
I try
I hope
I am

Words
There were words
Scribbled on a page,
No real meaning to the world
As we know the ink will fade
 
The ink and pain of these words
Will fade and waste away
We know this yet,
We live as thought the words will live forever
 
In years to come we will forget
We will forget the end of the Apostle’s Creed
We will forget our own names
We won’t know what year it is
 
We can tell when we are on a low
Our lips go dry
Our thoughts go limp
Our emotions go numb
 
But, through all of this
We are no longer chained
By these words and ink
That we will forget as they fade away.

Snow
I sit staying still
My chin rests on the sill
I stare out at the fall of snow
Seeing the hatred of myself grow
 
I see the two dogs of mine
Running around, if they were younger they’d shine
I miss them, not because they’re dead
But because I’ve excluded them from my head
 
As the snow falls through the air I remember
I reminisce on a time when snow filled my December
When my mom was only cutting, not drinking,
When I could say whatever, not thinking
 
Before I fell into her footsteps
I worried about the snow as away it crept
I grew, was raised, by the one person who did nothing but cry
Being shot down was all I knew by age nine
 
As I hold myself within, I put on a mask
My mom and brother take drinks from their flasks
The snow melts as it touches the cedars’ bark
And I feel so alone as I sit in the dark
 
My body has rejected my brain
As I lie and silently writhe in pain
I tell my mom to go drop dead
As I guiltily squirm around in my head
 
The snow reminds me of my first date
With a guy I’ve known since the fifth grade
Now I feel I’ve caused a death
I now have to sing in a new cleft
 
I need to sing a new song
The same song is killing my life of long
I hate myself, I blame her
Honesty always kills the messenger
 
My heart strings bled the blues
As I tell myself that nothing is true
I slowly lose my grasp
I can’t breathe and I gasp
 
I realize that I’m awake
I rouse myself and take
A step or two
To watch the snow as it ruins my point of veiw
The loveliest day I ever had, was the day when tomorrow never came.

Offline Jackie

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Re: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2013, 06:05:33 pm »
I really loved the "Words" poem. ^_^

I see you have tried to stick to the rules of each type very well. They make sense and are structured. I do hope you achieve well in your competition  ;)
* The bear guy * "There's many a slip twixt the cup and the lip." ~ Henry McCarty ^_~

Offline Scion Tyven

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Re: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2013, 07:49:12 pm »
Welp, you asked for critiques, so I'll give you my positive thoughts and my negative. Just remember that just cause there are bad things, doesn't mean that what you wrote is bad ^_^ Also, because I have too much time on  my hands, I'm going to do it as a point form PMI chart.

Positives:
-I really like your word choice in a lot of places. You use descriptive words, but it doesn't sound like you're just trying to sound intelligent.
-Your rhymes are pretty solid. You have a lot of clever rhymes, and you know when you don't necessarily need a perfect rhyme.
-Your poems are all interesting. They all keep the reader engaged.
-All of them sound different. It doesn't just sound like one really big poem.

Negatives:
-You need to think about the connotation of words. Poems are about saying as much as you can, without necessarily writing that much.
-Keep a steady mood. For instance, in the first one, "The teenagers scream at parents as if they did not matter" Line is pretty strong, but then "Couples spat as if they're uncooked pancake batter." That's a whole different mood. It might be better if you had words that felt the same as like snakes, and scream, and didn't matter.
-Think about your beats in your head. I know poems aren't songs, but generally they flow a lot better if you have the same (or almost the same) number of syllables. say each couplet out loud, and if it sounds like it flows, you know you're on the right track.
-I know that you're going through some stuff right now, but even so, if you're looking to improve, it's not a bad idea at all to try to write poems about everything. Even if you're not happy, trying to tap into that emotion and write something joyful and upbeat while you're upset is a great writing challenge.

Interestings!:
-You know lots of really fun words. Vocabulary is a poets best friend ^_^

So yeah. There's my 2 cents. Overall, I quite liked it, and I would enjoy reading more things that you write :)
"There is no struggle too vast, no odds too overwhelming, for even should we fail — should we fall — we will know that we have lived." - Steven Erikson

Offline Keitsu

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Re: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2014, 06:52:56 pm »
Words
There were words
Scribbled on a page,
No real meaning to the world
As we know the ink will fade
 
The ink and pain of these words
Will fade and waste away
We know this yet,
We live as thought the words will live forever
 
In years to come we will forget
We will forget the end of the Apostle’s Creed
We will forget our own names
We won’t know what year it is
 
We can tell when we are on a low
Our lips go dry
Our thoughts go limp
Our emotions go numb
 
But, through all of this
We are no longer chained
By these words and ink
That we will forget as they fade away.

I liked Words because it was in the context of history and how information is lost. How we move on.. How we change.. how we Adapt. How we may feel lost but we may also feel free. Such an example would be Religion. I feel that I don't like being controlled by religion. I don't like having to do things a certain way when things don't feel right or make sense to me. The poem kind of reminds me Natures Green is Gold by Robert Forst. Which was mentioned in the book "The Outsiders" which I studied previously in English. (What would be called Language Studies in America)
http://www.redbubble.com/people/kentuckyblueman/writing/1790599-natures-green-is-gold-by-robert-frost-a-classic

This then reminds me of how we die. How everything we knew is dead and how people are forgotten because the word moves on. You're very talented by the way. I wouldn't be able to write such good poetry.

I'll get out my Study notes from English and do some poetry Analysis :P

I liked how you used Tactile imagery through the words Dry, Limp, and numb to describe the feeling of emptiness, loss and a sense of disconnection. You used the metaphor of a Chain to represent something we are stuck by but are set free from which is good. You used the word fade well in context with text since ink fades over time which is imagery to represent such texts as the Apostle's Creed which can relate to the aging of documents and a metaphor for things being forgotten.

You used the repetition of the words We and Our to help relate it to the reader which was good. It relates it to human civilisation and life itself. You used words to describe feeling such as pain and the metaphor of a chain and the Tactile words I mentioned before.

You've separated the main idea with the stanzas which are good and used repetition of the word forget to emphasize the words/texts being forgotten.

You used alliteration to help create the rhythm of the poem such as "There were words", "We will forget" and though the repetition of "We will" You relate the loss of text to time though "We won't know what year it is" which also relates to death and how we can't remember if we are not in a state of consciousness.

So overall I think the main ideas of the poem were:
- Text
- Change
- Adaption
- Civilisation
- History
- Loss
- Death
- Context of information and how it becomes irrelevant
- Identity
- Emptiness
- Religion
- Time periods (You've used Ink to relate it to an older period of time. As we currently know that old texts are fading and will be lost to the curse of time)
- Time(Just thought about it XD)

I Am
I am
I wonder
I hear
I see
I want
I am
 
I pretend
I feel
I touch
I worry
I cry
I am
 
I understand
I say
I dream
I try
I hope
I am
I liked I Am because of the emotion it portrays. You used all these words very well to describe a combination of emotions. You've used these words to describe a feeling of wanting acceptance, sadness and hope for something better. I can relate to this as I occasionally cry myself to sleep and want a better world full of understanding and accepting people.

The words that I think create the strongest emotion are pretend, feel, touch, worry, cry, understand, dream and hope.

I normally don't like poetry but since I can relate to these poems it was alright. You are probably now my favorite poet now (Composer of poetry) ^.^
« Last Edit: February 28, 2014, 06:57:05 pm by Sciex »

Offline Plantan

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Re: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2014, 10:44:15 am »
I found out the results this afternoon and I won a Silver Key...There are three categories Gold Key Silver Key and Honorable Mention...only 40% of the 255,000 entries(over 17 categories) are recognized at all... Gold Key prizes are reserved for seniors as there is scholarship money involved with that prize nd only 15 are given out...and I won a Silver Key...I am very proud of myself...they gave me a certificate and a pin...and they alerted me that my works are amkng the highest and might be eligible for publishing... Im o happy..
The loveliest day I ever had, was the day when tomorrow never came.

Offline Iara Warriorfeather

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Re: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2014, 10:16:35 pm »
I found out the results this afternoon and I won a Silver Key...There are three categories Gold Key Silver Key and Honorable Mention...only 40% of the 255,000 entries(over 17 categories) are recognized at all... Gold Key prizes are reserved for seniors as there is scholarship money involved with that prize nd only 15 are given out...and I won a Silver Key...I am very proud of myself...they gave me a certificate and a pin...and they alerted me that my works are amkng the highest and might be eligible for publishing... Im o happy..

Congrats, and thank you for sharing your verse with us.  (:
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Offline Keitsu

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Re: The Hopelessness I Feel Inside(Comments and Critiques PLEASE)
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2014, 11:16:39 pm »
Good job :D Can't believe the prizes are keys (seems a bit weird)  :o