Author Topic: Can you guys give my friend some advice/ criticism?  (Read 945 times)

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Offline maliac

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Can you guys give my friend some advice/ criticism?
« on: September 07, 2012, 07:15:23 pm »
Hi guys! One of my friends has been working on a story for a while, and I was just wondering if you could read it and let me know what you think. Remember, all credit goes to him, and not me, so if you like it, please comment on it! Heres the link: http://jaksonthefox.deviantart.com/#/d5c98z9
Thanks everyone!
Avatar by the amazing Saiyu! XD

Offline Old Rabbit

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Re: Can you guys give my friend some advice/ criticism?
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2012, 12:37:08 pm »
The story is pretty good, but all the character descriptions
are slowing it down.  Describing a scene is good, but I think
it helps the story flow better if one lets others describe how 
characters look. example "Tony waves to his friend Kip, a blonde
haired fox who returns the greeting."

Unless there is a good reason to fully describe each of the
characters I think it's better to keep it to a minimum.

Also the story is a bit disconnected. It jumps from Jeffery
at the lake back to the school. Leaving the reader to
wonder what happened.

Otherwise the story looks interesting. Rewrites always
help. Tell your friend to keep writing.

Hope I have been helpful.

Old Rabbit :orbunny:


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oldrabbit.com