Author Topic: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome  (Read 1074 times)

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Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Only some of you know of me, and even less of you actually know of me, but I am turning to each of you to help me get back in the swing of things as it were. You see I used to write very frequently, and I honestly wasn't bad at it either to be honest - however that was unfortunately years ago, as I stopped writing completely and in doing so I've lost much of whatever talent I had previously.

This, for the first time in my life, actually bothers me so my intent and goal now is to get back into writing as it is an activity I sincerely enjoy. The only problem of course being that I am completely abysmal at it and am only recently realizing that. So this is a place for me to post up anything new I write and create for your critiques, comments, and observations - anything to help me improve the art, even if it is only to get back to where I used to be prior. Thank you all in advance who stops to read this, and even more thanks to any who stop to offer me any form of commentary.

For a sample of my previous work, you can check Here, Here, and of course Here. It will also serve as a nice contrast on how my current batch of work likely won't even be up to my own original standards.

Well enough with the rambaling, let us get this started shall we?
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2012, 01:59:31 pm »
A quick guide to this thread - blank for now as there are no real posts yet.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2012, 02:00:45 pm »
Sentence Exercises - Taking a single sentence and trying to base a short story off of it somehow. Feel free of course to suggest your own sentences. (This has been a personal favorite writing technique of mine for years; in fact a lot of my old writings are based on a single sentence)
« Last Edit: December 21, 2012, 02:02:37 pm by Cirocco the Silver Fox »
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Varg the wanderer

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2012, 02:30:33 pm »
Sentence Exercises - Taking a single sentence and trying to base a short story off of it somehow. Feel free of course to suggest your own sentences. (This has been a personal favorite writing technique of mine for years; in fact a lot of my old writings are based on a single sentence)

"The ground fell away from him, the jagged teeth of the mountains sinking back from where they threatened to claw at the belly of his aircraft."
My writings and other stuff: https://varg-stigandr.sofurry.com/

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." - Douglas Adams

"I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." -Thomas Jefferson

Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2012, 04:23:40 pm »
Other short stories - Just a place to put a few of my other short stories.

Quote
It was never really understood what the Dra'ix were hoping to accomplish, or why they chose to attack when they did. After years of countless military and tactical reexaminations of the brief military conflict that begun the First Intersteller War of Aggression, and to date the only military conflict between the Dra'ix and humanity, we've come to the exact same conclusion - the invasion of Radis IV made no sense from a strategic standpoint. Radis IV is of course a small frontline colony to house a small standing fleet and a UEASC detachment to observe the border of human held space - only it is the border between the UEASC and the frontier, not even the Dra'ix border. This means they begun a conflict with us, with little to no means of being able to support their own troops should they be denied a quick and decisive victory. Of course it is entirely possible that the Dra'ix invasion of Radis IV was either meant to be a diversion of a real invasion that never happened, or even the possibility that they believed the Radis IV garrison represented the greatest bulk of the UEASC's forces. This of course is pure speculation as we just don't know.

What we do know however is that their invasion sparked a greater conflict that expanded UEASC territory by a great deal, and further cemented the need for a continued unified global, and galactic, government for Earth and all of her intersteller territories. This now, class, is the first hand accounts of that initial battle.

Radis IV, a backwater temperate world - it rains a good portion of the year, but the weather is cool and the wind usually carries a light breeze of honey because of the local flora, while the forest is devoid of wildlife. The planet was deemed suitable for colonization only after it was deemed that it had less then a 5% chance of developing life outside the plants; meaning it was a perfect world to build a frontier outpost on.

The men of Black Dragoon, led by Lieutenant Westmark, were investigating an unusual signal originating a few miles southwest of Outpost North Point at approximately 0600 hours. Shortly after arriving at the source of the unusual signal they came under fire from an unknown enemy at this time. The initial volley of fire came from a treeline just north of the clearing in which they entered. ~ Vice Admiral Kekoa of the 5th Fleet

-------

The patrol had come in on foot, the dense forest path requiring them to leave them behind them. The company had started out with twenty four soldiers of the Black Dragoons - the insignia of a black lance encircled shown darkly against their grey colored armor - though four were left behind to watch over the vehicles they had to leave behind. They advanced onto a clearing, the original source of whatever their communications officer had picked up, only to find a small device in the exact center of the clearing.

"Franklin - contact HQ; inform them we've found something, likely of extraterrestrial in origin. It looks like some kind of a communication's relay." Westmark gave his command as he surveyed the area around them, "The rest of you; lock and load. Someone planted this thing here - someone, or something, wanted us out here. Get ready."

It was in that moment a burst of weapons fire descended into the clearing, hot green orbs of condensed plasma began scarring the ground as the men of the Black Dragoon's dove down to reduce their profile. "Pull back! Pierce, Rico - covering fire!" Westmark shouted his order over the incoming fire, a moment before two men rose into a kneeling position and answered the attackers with fully automatic weapons fire. Nobody was certain exactly where to shoot, but at the moment getting bullets down range was a higher priority then doing so accurately.

The troops kept themselves crouched down while sprinting a good ways towards the edge of the clearing, before Westmark and another soldier turned and knelt down - opening fire with their own weapons while Pierce and Rico ceased fire and began sprinting back towards them. It was then that a group of their aggressors broke from the treeline to give pursuit - they were a tall, muscular, humanoid with black slitted eyes; the advancing creatures were outfitted with hostile environment masks, indicating either the inability or some difficulty in breathing the oxygen atmosphere of Radis IV.

"Dra'ix!" someone shouted over the rising commotion of the battlefield, just moments before a burst of hot plasma struck Pierce in the back, knocking him from his feet and partially melting his armor. He writhed on the ground a bit, groaning in pain as he began trying to crawl forward by his fingertips.

"Santiago - covering fire!" Westmark shouted as he began making his way towards Pierce, keeping as low as he could while firing off rounds. Santiago dug his heels in the ground as he spun around, his rifle dropping to the ground as he pulled his prized possession from his back - the AMR was a large caliber, heavy rifle, with a motif of a web and black widow on it, with the name 'Maria' inscribed on the Black Widow's redmark.

He squeezed off a single round from the rifle after scoping in the closest hostile to Westmark - the round tore a hole clean through it's chest larger then a golf ball, as well as the Dra'ix directly behind it. He scoped in another one, this time the round removed more then half the creatures face just as Westmark reached Pierce and pulled him up on his shoulders.

Westmark half carried, half dragged, Pierce back towards the rest of the group - who had now taken position up at the edge of the clearing and began laying down short bursts of suppressing fire which drove the advancing Dra'ix back into the treeline itself. Westmark waved the group medic over, who immediately began pulling off the melted segments of Pierce's armor that hadn't fused with his skin, the rest he'd have to carefully cut away.

There was a sudden explosion back from where they had left their vehicles and then the sound of gunfire erupting. "Rico, Cambridge, Nylis, Jacobs - get your asses back to the rally point. On the double!" Westmark motioned to the men in question before ordering them to reinforce the other troops they left behind. "Santiago, Adams - stay with Pierce and Carmin; the rest of you prepare to move out and follow me." with orders given, Westmark shouldered his rifle and began picking his way through the trees, to circle around to one side of the clearing.

He dispersed his men in a staggered firing line, using the trees for little more then to hide behind - bullets tend to shred trees, and pass through them and as such he wasn't particularly fond of finding out what happens to a tree when a bolt of burning plasma came in contact with it. For now though it was a waiting game as the Dra'ix were most likely beginning to reorganize themselves for a second charge forward. Westmark lifted the coal grey visor of his enclosed helmet and wiped a bead of sweat from his brow, his gaze glancing about their position as they waited.

---------------------

The second squad had made the sprint back to the edge of the dirt road where they left the vehicles behind, only to discover a scene of burning carnage - one of the trucks lay tipped over on its side, a fire burning from the engine as the stench of hot oil and melted rubber filled the air. A quick survey of the scene revealed that one of four men left behind had taken a direct hit, and his visor had melted to his face in places, where in others the white hot plasma had burned down to the bone.

Two of the men were crouched down behind the remaining truck, while the third manned the turret - a constant red beam of heated death sawed through the treeline, cutting a thin swath through trees and Dra'ix alike in addition to scarring the surface of what few rocks sat between the aim of the turret gunners heavy incinerator and anything unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end. Cambridge and company took cover behind the two trucks, and began returning fire immediately at any Dra'ix they could see, in addition to a few suspicious looking trees. "What the hell happened here?!" Cambridge bitterly spat out as he squeezed a few rounds from his rifle.

"We got hit hard, sir. I'm not sure if it was a mortar or a grenade of some kind but it leveled the truck - before any of us could react Jones went down." the driver for the burning truck, Manwell, was the first to reply to Cambridge's inquiry. "If it wasn't for Harrison jumping on the turret as quick as he did, I imagine we'd have been overrun by now." Manwell gave a quick glance towards Harrison as he motioned towards his side, "He took a hit climbing up there though; I'm worried he'll bleed out and that will be the end of all of us."

There was a brief pause before Harrison gave a response, he was more focused on watching the crackling beam of red energy saw through a Dra'ix - arms disconnected below the shoulders, same as his head and neck removed from that point as well. "Manwell - it's super heated plasma; the wound is self cauterizing, so if I bleed out it will be because of friendly fire." with that he swept the turret at about waist high for the average Dra'ix straight into the tree line, leaving a few singed trees. Unfortunately while sweeping the beam was an impressive and intimidating sight, it prevented it from doing any serious damage.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2012, 02:01:20 pm by Cirocco the Silver Fox »
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Old Rabbit

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2012, 12:34:18 pm »
This short story was good. All the background made the story a bit slow to
start. But the last half was a good read with all the action.  Sometimes it's
better to weave the background info into the story rather than having it all
at the beginning.

I find reading stories helpful, especially if you haven't read much lately.

Keep up the good work. :orbunny:
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Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2012, 03:10:34 pm »
This short story was good. All the background made the story a bit slow to
start. But the last half was a good read with all the action.  Sometimes it's
better to weave the background info into the story rather than having it all
at the beginning.

I find reading stories helpful, especially if you haven't read much lately.

Keep up the good work. :orbunny:
I actually stopped writing it yesterday - I am going to finish that short story either today or tomorrow. And I don't always put the background up front, I did so this time because it was actually what got me started on that small story.

I had no idea what to write, and I just started and ended up with a chunk of background which I then flushed out into the rest of the story.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra

Offline Old Rabbit

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2012, 01:11:07 pm »
Ok on the background getting you started on the story. I can understand
that. 

Looking forward to seeing more. :orbunny:
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Offline Cirocco the Silver Fox

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Re: Cirocco's Practice Thread - Critiques, Comments, and Observations Welcome
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2012, 02:02:35 pm »
A small update for it, for now. Also Varg the Wanderer - I rather actually like the sentence you have come up with, and will see what I can do with it once I am finished writing this current short story. Which for the record will not extend any further really then this one battle.
I chase the wind, but have no dreams of catching it.

Today is all we have - Personal Mantra