Author Topic: Mirrored Storm  (Read 1894 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline River Ceed

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Female
  • Posts: 499
    • http://www.riverceed.furtopia.org
Mirrored Storm
« on: August 20, 2003, 06:48:58 pm »
Just a little blurb which came trickling through my fingertips as I listened to the talents of Midnight as he performed an original composition on his synth.  Comments and suggestions welcomed!  Enjoy!
~River




Mirrored Storm
By River Ceed (J.M.)

     As the lightning flashed the sky a brilliant white, it illuminated the small figure straining in the gusty wind.  The frail body, deciding to fight no more, dropped to the ground in a huddled lump of quivering rags.  As you narrowed your eyes, willing them to serve you better in the storm, the terrain grew dark again.  Ceasing to move forward, your feet rooted to the rain soaked ground beneath you, you listened.  Vainly trying to sort out the sounds of the night and the storm from any murmur that could come from the huddled mass in your yard, you listened.  Unable to discern such things, your face twisted in a sneer of frustration and disgust.  As your eyes wildly darted about the eerie sight of the grounds in a storm's grasp, you jumped and started when, in a burst of lightning you saw your own face reflected in a window pane.  Relieved beyond imagination at the gift of light once again, you trudged through the mud and clay towards the unmoved foreigner in your path.  Upon closer inspection as you neared your target, you began to think it was a wayward child; small and frightened.  You almost began to pity the trespasser you had come out to evict.  Drawing closer still, you peered at the pile of soaked and tattered cloth.  You turned and circled it, much like a predator toying with terrified prey. And then you spoke.

     Your voice thundered loud and accusing as you stood before the apparent front of the creature.  With your hands placed on your hips, a most overbearing sight, you demanded to know why it was there and instructed it to move on to wherever it belonged.  Leaning forward, you punctuated your show of territoriality by trying to stare down the filthy intruder.  And then you noticed.

     You were staring into the makeshift hood of one possessing eyes most familiar.  As you drew forward in disbelief, trying to clarify and denounce your first glimpse at those eyes, your jaw dropped and stammered without making a sound.  You cowered back in fear and confusion, but were wholly unable to remove your eyes from the vision.  As your face recovered its shock and your eyes regained their power to scan across the features of this disfigured and degraded creature, your heart grew momentarily still and your blood seemed to run with ice.  Panning over the rigidly scarred face, worn with time, you detected a subtle softness of the pale smooth skin which once graced the face of this unfortunate. Itís eyes continued to stare back at you, well aware of the realization you experienced, yet those eyes appeared as though they were waiting for more truth.  A moment or two went by before the next wave of awareness washed over you, much to your dismay.

     You recognized more then just the eyes and cheek.  Your eyes swam over the figure once more, noting several features you knew almost by heart, and yet you could not quite place to whom they belonged.  And then, your mind catching up with the stinging droplets pelting the parched earth, it occurred to you that you must have once known this poor, broken soul.  Reaching out timidly, you thought it, at the very least, your duty to offer assistance to this small, frail, half starved life.  But instead of accepting your charity willingly and greatfully, the creature snatched back it's hand and emitted a snarl like sound.  Thoroughly put out at having your offer refused so rudely, you raised your arm in disgust, aiming to strike the ingrate.

     A shriveled arm reached high in self defense as it knew your intent, causing your eye to glance at the glimmer which flashed on the middle finger of the gnarled fist.  And then you cried in despair and knew.

     You knew that ring.  You remembered every detail, every minute detail of this miserable being.  You knew every thought, every emotion, every physical feature of this bent and beaten soul like the back of your own hand.  And you were certain of these things beyond doubt.

     You dropped to your knees and wailed in agony, gripping the glimmering ring on your own middle finger.  And as your hands clasped together, they folded around the twisted and disfigured hand of your future self.  The identical rings fusing in a bright flash of blinding light, shattering the darkness of the stormy night.

Offline Chaz_wolf

  • Hero Member
  • Ex Staff Member
  • *****
  • Male
  • Posts: 1077
    • http://www.chazwolf.tk
Mirrored Storm
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2003, 09:16:55 am »
Howls,

This is a very nicely writen peace.

Well balanced and it flows well.

My only comment is that you start alot of the lines, especal towards the end with 'As' which could make it hard to read and follow.
Maybe you could start sentaces with other words ?

I hope this helps and look forward to seeing more work from you both.

Your folfy
Chaz
When you are laying in the gutter, you can see the stars.

Email or message me to chat.
See my site = http://chaz-wolf.sytes.net

Offline River Ceed

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Female
  • Posts: 499
    • http://www.riverceed.furtopia.org
Mirrored Storm
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2003, 08:46:38 am »
Thanks for the critique Chaz.  I reviewed it and changed a few of the beginnings, like you suggested.  It will be posted in it's revised form on my site.  Speaking of which, I should be done and have the website up and running in a week or two.  It's taking a little longer then I anticipated.
~River

Offline Kez Bentley

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Male
  • Posts: 102
Mirrored Storm
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2003, 08:56:12 am »
so much splendor I dont know what to say... you must write more often.
It's a question of origin. Nothing less.

Offline River Ceed

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Female
  • Posts: 499
    • http://www.riverceed.furtopia.org
Mirrored Storm
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2003, 07:43:02 pm »
Thanks, Kez!  As I mentioned in the previous post, I am working on my website.  There will be many pieces of writing to go through for all those who wish to visit the site.  I will be sure to make a post on the boards to let everyone know when it is finished and running.  Should not be too much longer, as the content (for the time being) is already added.  Now it's a matter of fine tuning and cleaning up the presentation.  I am aiming for simple, easy to navigate, and pleasant to visit.
Blessings,
River

Offline Kada-Ru

  • Species: Golden Blue Pegasus
  • Member Since: 11-29-2002 Web Admin!
  • *
  • Female
  • Posts: 9672
    • Kaycy's Creations
Mirrored Storm
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2003, 10:57:41 am »
Very well written, River! It kept me glued to my seat till the end. I guess the title gives the ending away but I didn't even pay attention to that! '<img'>  I didn't get the connection till AFTER I finished reading it.

As for critiquing it, I don't see anything that needs changing.
My avatar was created on 7-24-2000 (one of these days I need to make a new one. LOL)
Furry stuffs:
FurAffinity:  http://www.furaffinity.net/user/orcashia/
http://www.kcff.net

Offline River Ceed

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Female
  • Posts: 499
    • http://www.riverceed.furtopia.org
Mirrored Storm
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2003, 05:19:47 pm »
Thanks, Kada-Ru!  I can't wait til you see some of my other writings once my website is navigatable and available for you all.

~River