Author Topic: Project Tango  (Read 1830 times)

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Offline Jet

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Project Tango
« on: April 09, 2012, 08:31:06 pm »
Alright. This is not all of chapter seven, just the beginning. This is a portion of my novel in progress, Project Tango. I am posting this because I want to get feedback from you guys. I really would like to know if the transition between the dream and next part is well written as well as whether its even believable. Any other critiques are also welcome. This is in the middle of a desert and the whole team has gone to sleep. So this takes place in the early morning. all the members of the team at this point is the main character, Matt, Shaun, Marc, Kevin and his girlfriend Jessica, Anthony, John, and the main character's dog Liberty. The main character is Sam. So please read this small piece and tell me what you think of it.



Chapter 7
The Bonds We Form

My dad walks into my room. “Dinner’s going to be done soon. You wouldn’t want to miss the feast, would you?”

“No, dad. I’ll be out in a sec,” I smile at him. He smiles back and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I look around for something to stick in my book. An old feather is on my bed in front of me, so I just use that. I don’t want to lose my spot. The story is just getting interesting, but I’ll have to pick it up where I left off when I’m done with dinner.

I stand up and go towards the door. The room is so cluttered with meaningless things that I have to step on them to reach the knob. Someday I will clean it up, but lately I’ve just been too lazy. I open the door and step into the red hallway. The smell of fresh bread and juicy meat greets me. I float down the passageway, arriving in front of my whole family. My dad is sitting down, ready to eat. My mother stands by the stove. She smiles at me and invites me in. My brother gets out of his chair and comes around to my side of the table, pulling my chair out for me.

“Thank you,” I say to him. I take my seat next to my dad. My brother replaces himself on the opposite side of the table. He starts shoveling in the food that Mom has set
before him.

“Slow down,” she says, “you act like you haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“I know,” he looks down at his plate, which is mostly empty now, “I just love your food.”

My mom blushes and turns away. She starts washing some of the dishes in the sink. My dad is slicing some of the fresh bread. I take a plate and use my fork to lift two good-sized chunks of meat from the middle of the table. My dad hands me a slice of bread. I thank him and he says I’m welcome. My brother gets himself a second helping of meat. My mom turns around in time to see him place another three pieces of meat on his plate. “Now you don’t need to eat that much. Save some for tomorrow.”

My dad swallows some bread, “Let him eat,” he plops in another lump of white dough. “He’s a growing boy,” he says with his mouth full.

My mother points a soapy spatula at my father, “Now you swallow before you talk. Didn’t your mother teach you…” she trails off. Then she turns back to her dishes. My dad sets down his bread and walks up behind my mom. He sets his hands on her shoulder. She turns around and hugs him. “I’m sorry,” she says.

“No,” pats her back. “It’s okay. She died a long time ago, and I’m over it.”

“I know, but I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

My dad pulls her away, “It’s fine. Look,” he takes a step back showing her his full frame, “I’m alright. Now come on, let’s eat some of your delicious food.”
He takes his seat by me, and mom goes back to work on her dishes. “Sam,” my brother says.

“What?” I ask.

He looks up from his plate, “Sam!” he yells as loud as he can. I move back in my chair. I ask him again what he wants and why he’s yelling. “Sam, Sam!” he yells again. I look at my dad and ask why he has to scream, but my father’s gone. His chair is empty and his food isn’t there anymore. I turn back around. My brother is on the table, bent over with his face inches from mine when I turn around. “Sam! Sam! Sam!” his yelling knocks me out of my seat. I stagger backwards and catch myself. “Sam!” he shouts. Everything behind him turns darker, until he stands in front of blackness. “Sam!” My brother slides into the background. I reach out; afraid I won’t see him again. “Sam! Sam, get up now!”

My eyes fly open. Matt is standing above me. He lies my gun on my chest, “Sam! Get up,” he yells. I sit up and grab my gun. My right arm is still asleep and I can’t get it to move at all. Marc is lying on the floor, firing bullets into some target that stands behind me. The man falls forward, landing in my lap. In my groggy state of mind, I can make out the green suit he wears. The yellow bars are covered in red blood. I roll the Mexican soldier off me and stand up. My head spins. I blink several times until I can make out about ten or so green suited people standing before of me. One of them raises his gun and aims it at me. I look down at my fingers, which can’t figure out how to hold the gun without the aid if my right hand. I look back up at the Mexican, and his barrel stares back at me. Then the gun fires at me, screaming, “Sam!”

Somebody tackles me from me left. He stands up and grabs my arm. As Matt drags me behind Marc, my gun starts sliding down my right arm. My hand still won’t cooperate. The gun settles in the sand. Matt props me up against our sand wall. “Are you hit?” he says.

A bullet punches the dirt next to me, sending sand into my mouth. “I will be,” I start before another bullet flies over our heads, “If you don’t move out of the way and give me a gun!” He hands me a pistol from his belt and moves to the left. I take the gun in my left hand, aim down, and fire until the thing has no more bullets in the magazine. Two of the bullets hit the man shooting back at us. One cleanly enters his right leg, dropping his head into the second projectile.

Matt takes up firing again. Marc continues to shoot, too. Shaun is next to him, firing like crazy. I don’t see Kevin around, but his girlfriend is standing by Shaun, yelling every bad word I’ve ever heard, as well as a few I didn’t know existed. As each body hits the floor clutching their stomachs or necks, she yells, “Ya! You’re mine, boy!” or “Eat that crap!”

John and Anthony are leaning against a sand wall. Anthony screams as a bullet hits his left shoulder. His gun drops out of his hands. John stops firing and looks at his friend, seeing the blood flowing from down his arm. He screams, “No!” he turns around and fires six bullets into the Mexican that shot his companion. The six bullets hit different spots on the man’s neck. The soldier falls backwards, sending a plume of sand into the air. A disconnected, mustachioed face rolls out of the dust cloud. John drops his gun and grabs Anthony by his shirt and legs. John vaults over the wall and drags the screaming Anthony over with him. They disappear into a hole behind their cover.

A spray of bullets forces me to cover my face. The metal digs into the dirt and walls around me. A smoke screen of sandy dust suffocates me. More bullets fly blindly into the cloud around me. Then a big rock lands next to me. The rock rolls into my leg, and shines a brilliant, metallic color. My eyes widen and I grab the smooth rock. I’m a terrible left hand thrower, but that’s all I have right now. I stand up and fling the stone over where I remember Marc is lying.

A few second after the rock leaves my hands, an explosion quiets all the shooting. The sand around me settles back to the ground and I see my work. Some of the soldiers still lie dead around the edges of our circle, but there’s not much left of the ones that stood on the middle. An arm here, another one over there, some chunks of someone covered in dirt. The remnants of the Mexicans are scattered in the settling sand.

END OF SELECTION.

Any critiques at all will be very helpful, except "you misspelled that word," or "GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR!" there are bound to be a few grammar mistakes as I have not edited this portion yet. I more want to know how people feel about the transition and believability of the whole thing. Thanks for reading.

Weisseman has reviewed the material detailed in this post and has assured me it is adequate to post in this section of the forum.
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline Wanderer

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2012, 09:53:50 pm »
Well the transition from dream to reality was excellent. I did'nt see many problems, grammatically. Everything seems to be fine.

P.S. what part of your novel did you send me? I am pretty sure i have already read this.
"Journey for you may never know where the road takes you."-Wanderer

"Tis not the destination that matters, but tis the journey that makes us"- Wanderer

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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 10:21:23 pm »
I sent you all of my novel so far. But then I sent you the next part about John and Anthony's death. But you have read this part. The last that I sent you was the ending of Chapter 7, and this is the beginning of that chapter. I would love to post John and Anthony's death here and see how it strikes people. But it is a little more graphic than this. I am sending it in to a "higher up" for screening to see if it is even able to be posted here. I'll get back to you on that one, though.

Anyways, thanks for your help Wanderer. I need to get a variety of people to see this to see how people react to my writing style. Kind of see what works and what doesn't. Thanks for your input.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2012, 10:23:52 pm by Furryglowstick »
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Offline typingwithpaws

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2012, 12:17:15 am »
Perfect transition from dream to reality. Great read. Can only really comment on the arm being still "asleep". You might try describing it as feeling full of pins and needles maybe.
I also took some time trying to understand the 'present tense' writing style. Past tense is a bit more common with a first person Outlook like this.

Other than thoes minor issues I loved it! Hope to discuss On irc with you about it :)

Paws
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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2012, 12:31:22 am »
There is a reason I decided to write it in present tense. It has to do with the ending, but I won't spoil it for anyone, yet. I can tell you in IRC if you want, but it is a major spoiler. Anyways, thanks for the comment. I know I didn't really explain exactly how she feels about her arm. There are a lot of things in the novel I am rewriting because I just assumed everyone knows what it feels like. Most people do know what an arm that is asleep feels like, but I will be going back over that and explaining it more. There are a lot of dreams in this novel. I use them to delve into the depths of the main character's mind. She really doesn't say much about herself to others, so you learn more about her from her sub-conscience dreams and nightmares. Unfortunately, this is the only dream so far that is "mild" enough to post here. I'm glad I got the transition down, by the looks of it. Thanks again, Typing.
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline DarkDemon

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2012, 01:09:51 am »
That was awesome! And... sorry, I didn't read that, I has not checked my e-mail in a while... Internet problems... But, something about the arm thing, when my arm falls asleep it does not get pins or needles. It just feels really cold when it's coming 'back to life'..... My arms are weird! :D But anyway, really nice descriptions, I like it so far, and (: (SMILEY FACE!)
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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2012, 01:18:37 am »
that is a little strange. my arm does get pins and needles. It does end up colder than the other, but mostly I just notice the needles feeling. one time I fell asleep on my arm, and when I woke up, NO FEELING WHATSOEVER! I actually thought I lost an arm overnight! :o I swear if I didn't have a mirror by my bed, I would have ran outside screaming like crazy to my parents. that would have been embarrassing. but that's ok. You can get to the E-Mail when you get to it. I dont expect a reply from anyone for some time, mostly because it's a lot to read, or at least for me it is. Thanks I thought it was good. I also like the small hint there, where the Mother apologizes for bringing up the Father's mother. Good stuff, I think.
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Offline DarkDemon

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2012, 02:27:19 am »
Yeah, that was really good detail. I thought it was kind of funny when everybody just disappeared though, hehehe!
 ((Once, my arm was asleep, like from shoulder down :P, and I fell asleep in my jacket and went to pull my arm out of the neck hole, because I was being frantic and whatnot, and ended up slapping myself in the face several times! I finally had the sense to just pull my hand out. But, when the blood flow came back, I swear it felt like ice! :o))
Eeek!
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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2012, 05:17:22 pm »
I have some news for everyone. The last piece of my story I sent in for approval has been, unsurprisingly, denied. It was too gruesome to be posted here under Furtopia's guidelines. For all those who wish to read it and hopefully give me some critique on my work, you'll have to read the following first.

Those wanting to read this portion of my novel will have to send me a PM asking for the link to the my FurAffinity page which contains the text for the novel. It is filed under mature, for the express reason of there being one cuss word in it and the blood involved. This portion of my novel details the mental collapse of one of my favorite character, John, and his eventual crazed suicide due to the lose of his lifelong friend, Anthony. This particular passage is held close to my heart, as John's character is a representation of myself and Anthony is a representation of my best, lifelong friend. I would enjoy getting some feedback on this part of the novel, because I want to make see how the public would see the end of John. I may view it differently as John is essentially myself in the novel. I want to see if I nailed the emotions I wanted too, or if the violent end of the character takes away from the feeling of depression and pity. Please Pm me if you wish to read it. I warn you again, though. This part is bloody, and gory in some ways. I am talking about you will see bones and stuff. And it being a suicide, yes, you will see a character go mad and kill himself. I want to say firstly about the cuss word, I avoid the use of such words. There are only four in my entire novel so far. I only believe in the use of these words as to provide severe emphasis on the situation. I apologize ahead of time if this in someway offends anyone in anyway.

I will run by some more parts of my novel for examination and attempt to get more posted here. Unfortunately the more bloody things will have to requested by PM when I offer the chance, just tell me what you want to read. at the bottom of the posts where I request you PM me, there will be the title of the passage, for when I have multiple passages up for request. Please PM the passage title of what you are interested in reading. This is a war novel, so it's not uncommon to have some blood and gore in it. Things happen in a war. As always, any critique would be helpful from anyone who wants to read this.

Passage Title:
Project Tango - John's Decline
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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2012, 04:45:37 pm »
I really hate double posting or whatever you want to call it. But no one has commented before I got my next objective done. So here I am, double posting. I have decided to begin posting my novel on my Fur Affinity page one Chapter at a time. My first chapter has been edited and posted for all to see on my account there.  Being as the novel in general is somewhat bloody, you will have to send me a PM requesting my page to read it. Sorry for the trouble, but I don't want t get into trouble here by posting something that may or may not be perceived as gory, whether I agree with that decision or not. I will tell you a little about the Chapter in the spoiler below, if you are interested.

Spoiler: show
Chapter 1 - Fragments of Our Past
In this Chapter, it being the first chapter, you will meet the characters of my novel. No they are not Anthros. All my characters are Humans, with the exception of the dog, Liberty. The novel in a whole focuses a great deal on the creatures in the wilderness, rather than the war going on around them. I will introduce six characters. Sam, the main character, her Father, Marc, Shaun, Grant, and Liberty. They are currently in an abandoned house in southern Nevada, and area controlled by the Mexicans. You will learn a small fragment of some of the character's pasts. The hard life they have lead and the pain that will in no doubt ensue. Here they plan a raid on a nearby Mexican campsite for food and supplies. The main character has a nightmare about her brother, which is a little graphic because it deals with his death. This is the third night in a row she has envisioned her brother dying, and this one stays with her for most of the novel. There is a little bit of a moment that boost the relationship between Marc and Sam, the main character, at the end. They are very close friends. None of the characters belong to an army either. They are all US civilians that are just fighting for survival. This all started 96 years ago, when the US fell and five countries started fighting over the land. The war for the US between Mexico, Germany, Japan, Russia, and in secret China, is still going on.


I hope this intrigues some of you. Just shoot me a PM if you want access to this novel. It is a war novel, so you can expect the death of some of these characters at some point. I could use help on whether I have the audience feeling how I want them to feel or not. There is no death in this novel, other than the nightmare, but that is fictional so I don't count it. Hope to hear from  you guys! :D
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline Mylo

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2012, 11:01:29 pm »
The thing I liked best about this excerpt (the one at the top) was the way it handled the pacing.  It was practically spot on.  The dream sequence felt good, almost too good to be true, and then with the rapid transition into reality, the speed increased quickly.  You were literally thrown onto the battlefield, and as a spectator, you just watch things without realizing what's actually happening until you think about it.  Great job Furryglowstick

Offline typingwithpaws

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2012, 12:12:44 am »
Couldent wait to talk to you on irc about chapter 1.  Loved it.
Have an idea for shauns little gadget he gave Sam. What if you relate that technology to a irl device called a 'tesla coil'.
Was thinking that if I the reader could relate the Device to real life it would add a sence of realism to the writing. I'll try explain better when I have Access to a full keyboard.

Liked the added humor of liberty going to sleep on (insert dog hating characters name here because I forgot)

Thanks for the read!
Paws
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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2012, 01:00:04 am »
Thanks for the help you guys. I already have some plans for revising Chapter 7. And I think it will be for the better. I will be posting them up by chapters for now. I will post here when I get another chapter done. Like a webcomic that updates occasionally, but longer and you must supply the pictures in your mind. :)

Typing - That's awesome. I can't believe anyone is even interested in my stuff. That particular chapter, in my opinion, is also my most boring chapter yet. So it is beyond words to hear you say you loved it. My favorite part, besides the nightmare, is Liberty sleeping on Grant. Grant is the name of the hater. I found it a good comical way to end the chapter off in a high note, seeing as it escalates into some pretty sad stuff soon. I wont spoil anything, but it gets even more hilarious when Grant wakes up. :D If i wrote it well enough, you can practically see the scene unfold before you. Liberty is the source of many a happy times in the novel later on. She really is the only one not really affected by the sorrow of the war surrounding them.

Mylo - Thank you, too. I can honestly say that I enjoyed writing this. But I enjoy even more hearing people say that they liked the same thing I do about it. There are a lot of parts in the novel that are this fast paced. This is war after all. This here is the first time the main character has awoken to a firefight. So i was curious if I could even write something like this. The dream was too good to be true, and was supposed to seem like a memory of sorts. The fight was kind of hard to write, though. Harder than the other fights I have written so far. As I said, I have written fast paced action before, and I quite enjoy it, but I wanted it to feel like she was just waking up and couldn't fully grip reality. It sounds a lot like I nailed that feeling. I think what helped that was the dead arm she had. I will be adding some details to that arm too. Like explaining more about how it feels to have a sleeping arm. The update will be in Chapter 7 when I post the chapter as a whole later.

Thank you so much, to everyone who has read it and commented. This is really unbelievable. I just can't imagine something that I came up with could possibly be even remotely liked by another person. this is even more surprising because these thought have been in my head for four years and i never once thought I would be writing them down. It was just a world to escape to for me. I actually almost quit twice on this Project. But after hearing what I have, I know I can never quit now. :) i hope you guys continue to follow my writing, and I hope even more people come in and comment. Every little bit helps, Wanderer proved that with a simple picture. Thanks to everyone who has read it and ever will read it. I love you guys so much. I can't even put my feelings into words right now, which is a surprise because that's what writing is all about! :D Thank you SO much. :goldlaugh:
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline DarkDemon

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2012, 04:25:59 pm »
That was awesome! (i just read the first chapter) But it made me sad, you made this stuff seem pretty real. The only thing that could use a little bit of work I think would be just that it moved a little quicker than I expected, what I mean is when they all went to sleep, I couldn' t tell that's what they were doing, you know? ...... No offense..... I was trying to say that you could have addressed that there no beds or something. Okay, in reality, when i was reading I thought they were going to eat or something becuase the only furniture i remembered was a table! :-[        i dont like being a critic, it makes me feel mean... :'(
I just got mai computer fixed!! :D :3
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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2012, 06:15:55 pm »
No way, be mean. If anything that helps me make it better. :D Thanks. Now that you mention it, I can see where someone would get confused. Sometimes I dont know how others will see what I write because I see what I want to write, but now always portray that, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I'm glad you said that, I do remember there just being a table. That really is the only furniture. I will go back through it and add something, maybe Sam complaining about the lack of beds. Something like that to show that they are settling down without any dinner. Or maybe I will add a diner in there so it makes some more sense. This is why I post this stuff. I want people to find flaws in it and try to see problems. This all helps me make the novel more acceptable by everyone. Thanks again. Although it's great to hear I did something right, it also helps to know what doesn't work. Thank you again.
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2012, 02:08:34 am »
I have just completed my next edit. Behold! Chapter 2: The Assault. As usual, you must PM me for my FurAffinity, if you have not done so already. This is where I will post my Chapters as I get them done. Here is a little about Chapter 2 if you are interested or just want to get hooked some before reading...

Spoiler: show
Chapter 2 starts off with a nice little wake up call for the characters. Then they must bear the heat as they make their walk to enact their plans from the previous chapter. Sam, the main character, has several flashbacks about her life before this time. Reader's will also learn what happened to her mother that she hinted at at the start of the last chapter. I introduce a new creature... the Fuzzapede. A 15 foot, fuzzy centipede. These animals play a major role in the novel later. Especially the one Sam sees more directly. There are two fight scenes in this novel, but against the Armies. After a little bit of a hiccup in their plans, they continue to assault the Mexicans. The ending should prove to be a surprise to any readers.


I hope you guys enjoy Chapter 2 of my novel. I will edit Chapter 3 and post that soon enough. Please PM me if you wish to read it and don't already have access to my writing. Please post any comments here, so others here may learn from this and I can keep them nice and organized. Thank you to all who are reading my novel and all who ever will. You guys help me so much, and I am so grateful for it. Thanks! :D
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2012, 07:56:40 pm »
Chapter 3! :D Got some time today, and I edited Chapter 3 - Deception. Again, to prevent spoilers, I will explain the chapter a little in a spoiler tag below...

Spoiler: show
Chapter 3 doesn't have as much fighting in is as the previous chapter. Assuming you read that, it obviously picks up right after the knock out Sam took. She does meet a mutated creature in the forest that she fears more than anything. This thing reoccurs several times in the novel, but this is her first encounter we witness. There's some talk of the past again. But the main juicy stuff happens right at the end. A huge twist in the direction of this novel occurs right there and lays the foundation for the rest of Sam's life. Go on and read it.


Again, all those interested in reading my novel will have to PM me a request for the link. I am not allowed to post the link here as the majority of the novel is too "graphic" according to this site's rules. Although I disagree, it does not matter how I feel about it. Rules are rules and I shall respect them. So shoot me a PM is you want to read it off my FA, and I will be more than happy to oblige. I cant wait to post chapter 4. A TON of crazy stuff happens in 4 and i cant wait to reveal it. Sadly, though, I am getting sick and could barely maintain enough thought in my foggy head to edit this section. Either way, enjoy. :)
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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Offline Jet

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Re: Project Tango
« Reply #17 on: July 20, 2012, 10:12:15 pm »
Chapter 4: Survivors is now up. This is a long one. Lots of stuff happens here that are very essential. a TON of foreshadowing as well. Starts off really fast, goes from there. Fun stuff here. I really like this chapter a lot. It has, in my opinion, only one gory part in it. these edits are coming out slowly. And I dont think I will get much more done in this next month. I have a lot going on for a while. :P
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


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