Author Topic: Seylin  (Read 1769 times)

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Offline Velvet Karuda Leopard

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Seylin
« on: September 01, 2003, 11:10:09 pm »
I know it seems a little quick that I am posting yet another story clip so soon after the first, but I am really craving your appreciated critisism.  I hope to get a finished work published, but do not know how to go about getting it done.  Hope you like the clip and the leopard greatly thanks all who read.   




     The sun beat down hard upon the dry, hot ground.  The road spewed up a spiraling cloud of dust that lingered after each step the tiger morph took.  The young tiger walked on through the heat and looked oer the hill at the next town.  He situated the pack on his shoulder with his left paw and stuck his right paw in his sash.  He pulled out a small piece of cloth.  It was a map of the area he had recieved from a trader in the last town.  He looked it over and nodded.  He stopped at the top of the small summit and gazed at the surroundings.  A small meadow scrolled down the hill and followed a clear flowing river.  It engulfed the small town's gates from all sides.  He saw a small group of cattle and horses at the foot of the hill.  Seylin murrred and set his pack down in the shade of a large apple tree.  He yanked one of the sweet friuts off a branch and bit into it looking down at the wall of the city.  He purrred at the taste of the apple.  It has been a while since he had tasted a real fresh apple.  He sat in the shade of the huge tree and enjoyed the view.  He thought hard of the days ahead.  He needed a vacation from his mercenary ways.  That is why he was looking for this town.  The town called Dolthar.  It was nicknamed Paradise City because no weapons or violence was tolerated.  He leaned back and enjoyed his short rest from walking forso long.  He had spent over three days traveling the country side by foot to get here.  As he finished his lunch, he looked down again at the meadow.  How he loved to roll in the grass and flowers when he wasn't training with his master or learning from his master's wife.  It was quickly becomming hot and Seylin decided to go ahead for town.  He picked up his bag and headed down the hill.  The soft wet grass brushed lightly against his furry bare feet.

   The tall lean tiger stopped at the front gate of the town.  He stared at the many posts and notices on the white stone wall.  His attention was quickly brought to large wooden sign that hung off center.  It read:  All visitors must relinquish any weapons to the gate keepers.  He looked to his sides where two large equins stood gaurding he gate.  One held a large blade and tall shield, he never flinched or made a sound.  The other stood behind a bar and looked back at him.  He held a scroll of papers and a pen and at his feet sat many various weapons and tools.  Seylin turned to the seated equin and set his pack down.  Not a word was spoken between the two while Seylin unpacked his weapons.  He placed his sword on the bar and the equin jotted it down.  Next came Seylin's quiver of arrows and his giant bow.  He called it The Stone Ballista because when unfolded from it's holdster, it towered over ten feet tall and shot six foot arrows.  It actually shot straight though a stone wall once.  The equin jotted all the equipment down that Seylin gave him and looked him over.  he pushed the scroll to him and said in a deep powerful voice, "Name.".  Seylin took up the pen and signed his name next to the list items the equin had jotted down.  The second equin turned and pulled a small chain and yelled out in a booming deep voice.  "Raise the bar!"   Seylin heard a large creak and clang behind the gates as the door slowly opened.  

   The tiger morph could barely believe his eyes as he walked into the main plaza of the city.  There were huge gardens of flowers and trees.  A small stream flowed right though the middle of the town with wide stone bridges over it in many places.The doors closed behind him as he slowly trecked the vast green front knoll of the plaza.  The sounds of birds and running water made his heart beat easy and his body calm.  He had always wished to vist this legendary place.  He knew he could get some good rest here.  His feet soon brought him to the edge of the gardens where the shops and markets of town was.  The building were large and solid with beautiful wooden faces that seemed to give a most natural look to a city.  He thought to himself he wanted to find an inn first to set his things then find the nearest pub or bar to begin his relaxation.  He wanted only to get his mind off of merc. stuff and rest his aching body.  His half heart always took his energy so much.  He rubbed his bandage and looked around for some signs.  He saw a small colorful sign in the distance naming the bar under it.  Kinna's Earth Bar.  Seylin smiled and headed toward the bar, putting off the inn for now.  He wanted a drink.  

   The street was full of small children, human and anthro alike, playing happily and elling like young kids should.  Seylin watched contently as they chased each other and laughed.  He couldn't remember the last time he saw such freedom of will or such liberalness with the two different races.  A large smile grew on his face as he watched walking towards the bar.  The sleek tiger walked over a flowered path up to the bar.  He gazed at the trim and color of the building as he pushed the doors open.  He was met by a short stout human man holding something that looked like a bunch of furs.  Seylin looked in shock to see the furs of probably ten anthros.  The man looked up at him smiled.  "Do not worry, my friend.  They are not real.  They have been taken from a drunk inside who was yelling and screaming because they weren't"  he assured Seylin.  "We will burn them tonight at the bon fire to rid the town of such filth."  The man walked out of the door and Seylin's eyes fell to the floor.  It was not too long ago the he had finally found one of the men who had killed his master.  He stopped to reminence on the subject.
"Words without feeling have no meaning, words without meaning have no feeling." -- Danku Bisco, at Cienna's final sentencing.

Offline Kada-Ru

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Seylin
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2003, 02:05:00 am »
Nice story again, Velvet Leopard!

Again, I mention spelling errors and making sure you have the correct wording.

Quote
He wanted only to get his mind off of merc. stuff and rest his aching body.

In this sentence, I would not abbreviate anything.

Quote
A large smile grew on his face as he watched walking towards the bar.  The sleek tiger walked over a flowered path up to the bar.

For me, I would also use a Thesaurus. It can come in real handy so as to not use the same words too many times in one paragraph.

What about something like this:

**A large smile grew on his face as he watched walking towards the tavern. The sleek tiger walked over a flowered path up to "Kinna's Earth Bar".**

This way, 'bar' is only used once here. I know there aren't too many words that can describe a 'bar'.

I got that word off of my Corel Word Perfect 10 by keying in 'bar' and clicking on the "Thesaurus" button and it came up with related words.

Hope my suggestions help. Good luck with both your stories!
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Offline Chaz_wolf

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Seylin
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2003, 09:12:51 am »
*nods*
I agree with my boss, Kada-Ru '<img'>

It is a good story and held my intrest right to the end of the clip.
Although like my stories, bad spelling and repeating words made it alittle hard to follow in some places.

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Offline Kada-Ru

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Seylin
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2003, 10:49:36 am »
(giggles at Chaz) I'm no expert but I have had help in the past on MY writing as well from WhiteShepherd.

In the past, when I was writing articles about my experiences with keeping and breeding fish I had a well known writer (in the fish industry) help me with some of my articles. So, I have learned from others as well.

See, Velvet? "Pay it Forward" REALLY does work! '<img'>
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Offline Rikimaru

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Seylin
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2003, 05:34:45 pm »
well i aint gonna nitpick cuz the others did that for me hehe. its really good, hope to hear more of that story. im especially intrigued by Seylins half heart as well. would like to hear how that happened.
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