Author Topic: Two more poems by me. (caution, involves suicide)  (Read 1846 times)

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Offline Rush

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Two more poems by me. (caution, involves suicide)
« on: July 02, 2011, 01:12:35 am »
#1

\\part 1//
I thought I'd finally gotten over you.
I guess not.
I tried to give it my best shot.
But no matter how long and how hard I've fought,
Seems I can't get over you.
Because no matter what I do,
All I see are the images of you
That flash in the back of my mind.
These thoughts swirl around and around in my head,
They hurt so much, make me wish I was dead.
And all the little things that you've said
They tear my heart in two.
And they re-break my heart
And they gnaw on my bones
They burn down my body
And my heart finally STOPS...
And then I realize.
It's all my fault.

\\Part 2//
I wake up somewhere you'd call Hell,
But from what I've been feeling
I can't really tell.
I thought I was as low as I could get
When I fell.

As I looked up at you from inside my grave,
I saw you forget about me and my name.
Fated to never again cross your mind,
As I said for the very last time...
I'm sorry.

#2 (untitled)

Life and love, two differrent things,
Use them right and true peace sing.
Though life and love together lie,
Together too, make innocence die.
The burning longing, together at last,
Gone are all the trials of the past.
Torn apart! Forever it seems,
Never to meet again but in dreams.
The sky cries with lovers' lament,
Neither knows how thier last moments are spent.
Thier thoughts are to eachother alone,
As the triggers were pulled, and minds were blown.
"When they give you lined paper, write the other way." -William Carlos Williams

Blessed be.

Offline MarkDrees

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Re: Two more poems by me. (caution, involves suicide)
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2011, 09:54:15 pm »
That is an incredibly powerful and clever ending you have written there. My advice to you was to play with your imagery and metaphors a little more. I wish I could have seen the hell-ish place from part 2 and a little more description could make that happen. You do have good things going on in this poem, however the cliche's tend to take me out of it as a reader. Things like tearing your heart in two is a very common thing to write. Perhaps it would be easier to focus on these things if you didn't try to rhyme and just went free-verse? Good to see other poets on here though, and good luck in your writing. I hope I helped, rather than offended you with a critique!
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