The story is pretty good, but all the character descriptions
are slowing it down. Describing a scene is good, but I think
it helps the story flow better if one lets others describe how
characters look. example "Tony waves to his friend Kip, a blonde
haired fox who returns the greeting."
Unless there is a good reason to fully describe each of the
characters I think it's better to keep it to a minimum.
Also the story is a bit disconnected. It jumps from Jeffery
at the lake back to the school. Leaving the reader to
wonder what happened.
Otherwise the story looks interesting. Rewrites always
help. Tell your friend to keep writing.
Hope I have been helpful.
Old Rabbit
