Author Topic: The Pool (Read 1724 times)

Silver · « **on:** November 28, 2003, 02:39:17 pm »

I'm not sure if I've posted this up already, I'm sorry if I have, but I can't remember. I've got a very bad memory at the moment:

Slowly he fell,
Falling to the ground and there, laying motionless,
A crimson drop traced its way across his body,
Another drop to join the ever widening pool.

Hitting it and causing ripples that flow outwards like an exploding star,
They seem to go on forever,
Never reaching the edges of the pool,
Will they ever reach the end?

He lies there now, next to another who clutched a sword,
They all lie there,
What of their hopes? Their dreams and fears?
Will they be added to the pool also?
Will no one remember them?

He is cold now,
Resting beneath the stars,
Will no one throw him a cover?
Will no one dab him with a warm cloth?

Who will tell his wife that her husband will not return?
Who will tell his children that their father is not coming home?
Who will praise his deeds?
Who will remember just another drop?

Not I,
For I am just a ripple upon this pool,
Many dreams I have heard,
Much pain I have seen.

I lie there now,
Next to them all,
But what can I do for them,
I am just a ripple…upon this ever widening pool.

Thoughts and critisism welcome

Adamina · « **Reply #1 on:** November 28, 2003, 03:01:10 pm »

youre very talented... this almost brought me to tears... cause it was all very real. well done.

Silver · « **Reply #2 on:** November 28, 2003, 06:22:23 pm »

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it

Bear Paw · « **Reply #3 on:** November 28, 2003, 10:33:50 pm »

A good strong peice of work all the better from being shared with us ,

'> .

River Ceed · « **Reply #4 on:** November 30, 2003, 08:48:25 pm »

Well done.

Question... did you write this within recent months as a sort of foreshadowed or hidden display of your feelings about the Iraq situtaion/war which your country helped with? I saw several parallels which is why I am asking.

~River

weiwardwulf · « **Reply #5 on:** November 30, 2003, 10:45:07 pm »

I like your poem, Silver. I appreciate how it begins in a "close-up" featuring the man and the drop [of blood], before zooming-out to a wider scope and theme.

Do you mind if this wulf make use of your "critisism welcome" invitation? I'm just a very open person, and I don't want to sound mean.

If I could change one thing about the poem, I'd refrain from commenting on the larger battle scene staza 3, and place it instead towards the poem's end. It seems a change from the close-up "he" at the begining, to the use of "they" in stanza 3, then back to "he" in stanza 4. This is a ssmall point, and a difficult one, because the retorical investigation you create in 4 and 5 rely on the wider context.

In all, great job. It reminded me of Red Badge of Courage, about the American Civil War, which I took to be a commentary on the tragedy of war in general.

Curious: was there anything in particular that inspired you to write this poem?

Silver · « **Reply #6 on:** December 01, 2003, 05:26:36 am »

Thank you guys

River Ceed
In answer to your question, no this wasn't written recently enough for the Iraq crisis nor would I want it to reflect that. It's just symbolic of any struggle of any battle or war. I odn't usually write things that (intentially) reflect the current affairs.

weiwardwolf
Your point is noted thank you

'> I do have a tendency to wander, but it was much worse when I was younger than it is now. I often hav e a danger of getting to caught up in the poem/piece and forget about the structure, since I usually take about 10 minutes to make a pieceo f writing and then file it away never to be seen again they don't often get looked again unless I like them enough to chance another glance (hey a bit of poetry).

But I usually like the reader to make up their own meanings, I find that if people can make the piece more personal towards them self it generally adds to their enjoyment and I enjoy writing and I enjoy people reading my stuff (the stuff I deem worth that is) I hated it once when a friend of mine opened my writing folder and decided that it would be a good idea to read all of my stuff

(treats his folder like a diary)

Bear Paw · « **Reply #7 on:** December 01, 2003, 09:58:25 pm »

You know you should be writeing more stuff mate . I have seen what you can do in other things ,and you really should just let yourself go and write a few more good peices.

Kada-Ru · « **Reply #8 on:** December 07, 2003, 02:31:57 am »

That is a great poem, Silver!

For me, what struck me was 'I' was the ripple in the water and felt sad because there was nothing I could do to help out the poor souls that lay there and were dying.