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DenFur2023 - should I stay or should I go?

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Jade Sinapu:
I got my admission ticket for DenFur 2023.
I still have not got a room booked.  I do full fursuiting so a room is good to have.

The cost is high and I am sort of cost conscious.  Not sure how many times I will go in future.

Also since last convention was sort of a downer with my guest, kinda shook me a bit.  She just used me to gain access to a convention she wouldn't have been to without my help.  I do feel used.  And being hated on still makes me feel bad.  I did nothing wrong but exist so far as I know.

So I may end up throwing in the towel on furry and just leave.  I am getting old and everyone knows it.  And honestly, I do not get enough compliments on my suit, my funny acts, my attempts to be outgoing etc.  I try to make people happy, comfort anyone having a bad day, assist with people lost or confused, and also just be chill and take it all in.  Mostly I end up doing little.  Schedules are hard to keep, I get tired.  I do not have interest in room parties, or group sex which I all know happens. At the rave, I get advances from men I can not fulfill etc.  I am glad they like me, but I am wearing asexual pride flag near my con badge.  I feel terrible each time saying no.  But they wouldn't like me when they knew I was not into them so I always have to be mean and shut them down.  It hurts us both.

I mean, to be blunt, I am not into gay culture since I am asexual.  I have nothing against anyone, I just can't change what I am to force myself to fit in with respect to that.  It would be a deep lie.  I love to see people express themselves and be their true self.  I loved watching Bagel Rabbit play electric violin.  She is trans, she is awesome!  I don't care she is trans, all I know is she is a cool bunny and dang can she play!  It made me happy to see two guys who haven't seen each other in so long, run towards each other and hug and scream their boyfriends name.  It is love, and world needs much more of that.  So see, although I am not gay etc I am not a hater.  But I do not seem to be accepted a whole lot.

I know there is a large part of furry I am not part of because it is "adult" and that does not really spark my interest.  I am also not college aged so I am not of that mindset either.
Just an aging geek in a dog suit.  I do have fun, I enjoy the dance competitions, and fursuit parade.  I like to chat and eat, and browse artist alley and such.  But IDK if that is enough anymore for me. Makes me sad.

So I guess, maybe I am saying, prove to me I should go.  Maybe I will go.  Not fair to ask someone else to make your decision.  I know.
But I am so on the fence about this one.

I have stories I want to write, things I want to draw.  I have something to share with others if people just wanted to hear.  But... why?

It is sad, I have a career, house, dog, etc.  I am older now.  I have sooo many responsibilities, that it is draining.  I can not escape that part of me.  And if I am a downer at the convention, I do not want to bring anyone down at all. 

IDK if anyone will even read this, or if  they do if they would care.  I wish I had someone to go to the con with who could accept me as me, and just have fun and laughs and make memories to last a lifetime. 
But it seems everyone drags sex into it all.  And for me it can ruin it.

I hate being who and what I am but I can not change it.
What I wanted was a buddy to go to the con with, someone who was good and up beat and not like my previous guest.  I would love to have a life long "companion" who was sort of like me.  Honest to God, all I ever wanted was a buddy who was like a dog to me, and I for them.  Meaning, no need for a sexual relationship, share shelter food and bills, etc can laugh and cry and go on road trips together etc.  Just like I do with my dog wanda etc.  A buddy.  A human one so I can talk human things at times.  But , no.

So I will just be like I am now. Forever till I die.

cause the rat:
I haven't been to a con in a wile. Have to book a room just for myself. So that's always been expensive. Don't plan on ever returning. At times it feels like a gay pride parade. Everything from awkward questions to unwanted invasive physical contact. I have to find ways to politely getting out of conversations that have gone from furry to explicit. I've walked away from conversations that have made me extremely uncomfortable. Even physically sick. I don't see the point in paying for this. I've sat around with people all my live and have never heard anyone of them talking like this in a public space. If a furry convention was just people sharing their love or interest in all things furry it would be worth going to. I've found that harder to find as the years have gone by. I honestly miss being able to talk about furry at a furcon. The age gap for me is huge. Two to three times the age of most attendees. Age and sexuality means I spend most of my time alone. I can save myself a huge chunk of cash and be alone at home.

Jade. Write your stories and do your thing. Be who you are. You really don't need to pay for a bad experience.

Jade Sinapu:
Yeah basically,  same here.  Despite being open to everyone's orientation,  even being able to deal with the awkward,  I just feel too out of place.  I wanted to find people who wanted to talk beastars,  ozfoxes, housepets, awoo comic,  and maybe if I'm lucky someone who knows what Sabrina online is or Redwall.  But no one seems to remember.  We have pride parades,  they are cool.  Can furry be more furry fuzzy and less pride parade?  I will be quiet now.

I have had therian experiences and almost want to talk at a panel.  But IDK.  Aka furry adjacent.

I love my suit,  and want to do zany public fursuiting with people who are just whacky weird.  Think improv.  But seems few want to do that. 
I want to go to local grocery store wearing my GSD and sniff all the meats. And criticize it for being old, wrong species,  fed garbage etc.
" this beef is old and was fed chicken byproduct"
Then I would go to dog food isle and be overjoyed by the food and start playing with all the toys,  AALLLLLL of them! But don't this alone is not advised.  I need a furry actor buddy.

So...I may drive there to collect my t- shirt and drive home.  Or have it mailed to me.

I have not tried to find a con buddy online in my area,  because I figure it will turn out bad. 

I've never experienced any of that at Furlandia. I've always been in the headless lounge or in the gaming room or the panels. I've also watched the dance competition. Never gone to the dances and I like the fursuit parade and the games. Oh I forgot the ice cream social! I love that.

Jade Sinapu:
I'm glad you like Furlandia Firelight!
Would you say you feel accepted and like your having fun there?

I guess I'm just a little apprehensive about Denfur 2023 because I don't get what I wanted from it .


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