Overcoming Shyness

[Yip]

I've noticed a lot of posts here where furs would mention that they were/are shy. I thought it would be nice to start a discussion on ways to deal with it.

As for me, I seem to have two main problems in this area:

1 )  I find to very difficult to initiate contact with those I don't know. (strange this doesn't seem to apply as much here.)

2 ) I find it difficult to say or do anything that, in my mind, could possibly cause someone to become upset with me or look down on me in any way.

I try to tell myself not to worry so much about what other people think. But it doesn't seem to work. Whenever I find myself in these situations, it's like there's an invisible wall. (hence the message description)

[Kada-Ru]

I used to be quite shy in RL. Then a roommate got me started on Furry Muck and I was still shy. After being there several months and learning to relax and let myself be me I over came most of it on the internet. I mainly over came it because I could tell myself it was on the computer and if something didn't feel right I could just log out. That helped a lot when I got spooked. I also started making myself go back into FM to face what was bothering me and after doing this for several months I was able to 'stand on my own two feet' so to speak. I didn't run and hide (log off) any more. I faced everything that bugged me. I became stronger and that also flowed into my RL as well.

I'm still a little shy when meeting new furs but I am a lot better than I was 3 years ago!

[Bear Paw]

In RL I was and to a certain extent now very shy. I would kind of stick to myself because I felt very concious of what others thought of me. I only became more outgoing after the first year at collage. I started to meet poeple who had similar intrests. That lead me to roleplaying. With nearly all of the roleplayers I have met very few judged me just accepted me as part of the group. Nowadays I still don't like making contact with strangers but I kind of learnt you never know who you missed if you don't. You justhave to give yourself the mind set that your views and who you are is just as imortant and just as worth while as theres is. One last thing I find it easyer on the net than F2F don't know why that should be but never experienced shyness online that often.

[Keshiji]

Personally I am very shy, since I am afraid to make a mistake with my actions or with what I say.

[Zarathus]

I am very shy/antisocial....especially in real life. I hjate being around people, or talking to people...and i never really know what to say, or do.
I just have real trouble communicating...

[Drake Blackpaw]

I understand exactly where you are coming from.  I started getting active online and roleplaying on some of the furry based mucks to help overcome my shyness.

I've come to realize that I need to overcome my shyness if I'm to succeed at some of my personal goals for life.  This realization pushed me to find ways to break through the wall you describe.

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1 )  I find to very difficult to initiate contact with those I don't know. (strange this doesn't seem to apply as much here.)

I still feel awkward initiating conversations, both in real life and on the mucks.  However, I keep trying and also try not to beat myself up when I fail.  Progress in online interaction has helped a little in RL.  I have yet to have someone react badly to me initiating a conversation, no matter how stilted I start it out.  I'm slowly getting better at talking with people.

Some people suggest trying to talk to sales clerks as a step in getting over terminal shyness.  They are paid to be nice to you, so it should be a fairly non-threatening environment.  I found it easier to start conversations by giving a person a compliment.  At Anthrocon I started several conversations with artists that I really like by telling them how much I enjoyed their work.  Almost everyone reacts positively to a compliment.

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2 ) I find it difficult to say or do anything that, in my mind, could possibly cause someone to become upset with me or look down on me in any way.

I've been working with a personal coach, and she gave me an assignment awhile back exactly on that.  I was to purposely piss off five people online.  She wanted me to state my opinions so forcefully that it would make others angry and told me to even resort to swearing and telling people off if I needed to.  It was an extremely difficult assignment for me, as I'm usually extremely careful not to offend anyone.  However, it did help.  Ironically, I even developed an online friend from the assignment as we ended up taking the same side in a heated discussion on one of the forums I'm active in. This exercise actually did help.

I wish I could give you some easy answers.  It's a painful thing to work through.  I got to the point where I am paying someone a good bit of money to help me through my shyness, because a) I wasn't happy how I was, and b) wasn't making any progress on my own.

Drake

Hmmm Im not very shy or afraid of anyone. I think size matters in this case   '> Just knowing one can rend the average Human being apart with my bare hands lets me walk around with a bright peaceful smile on my face. Also, trusting my own judgments have also cleared up any amount of shyness or anti-social nature. I dont know why most people are afraid or uncomfortable with talking to others...I never have. This thread may yet help me understand why.

[WolfJester]

I'm shy at first but once I get to know the person I open right up and its easier for me to meet other people when I around people I know so I always try to take a friend with me where ever I go. I also have some what of an Ice breaker; I can turn my feet around about 160 degrees. If I ever get a hold of a video camera I'll make a clip of it because a pic isn't really good proof.

[Bear Paw]

Heey thats realy strange I can do that too Wolf Jester turn either or both legs almost completely around. Got everyone gob smacked at work. Gee I thought I was the only one who did that as a party trick

[anguis]

Hmmm... Well I guess my anti-social nature can be misconstrued as being shy, although I am far from shy or afraid of people. Im not into holding conversations or hanging out with anyone unless I know you very well, I prefer plenty time to relax in peace and quiet alone. Off course you all know there are exceptions to all rules, and this community is probably my exception. Now as for worrying about what others think, I let them talk, it really doesnt bother me. As a matter of fact, I enjoy to give people things to talk about because, I believe they'll find something to say reguardless. Just my opinion.

e_rbstt

[Drake Blackpaw]

Quote (MidnightDragon @ Aug. 05 2003, 9:28 pm)

Hmmm Im not very shy or afraid of anyone. I think size matters in this case   '> Just knowing one can rend the average Human being apart with my bare hands lets me walk around with a bright peaceful smile on my face. Also, trusting my own judgments have also cleared up any amount of shyness or anti-social nature. I dont know why most people are afraid or uncomfortable with talking to others...I never have. This thread may yet help me understand why.

In some people it's the personality they are born with, others it is events from their childhood that made them shy, and with many it's both.

With me childhood events played the largest part.  My father had a tremendous temper, and there was no logical explanation as to what would set it off.  Some days just saying hi to him would cause him to launch into a angry tirade.  Something that was safe to mention or ask about the day before would cause a string of expletives to be hurled at you telling you just how worthless and terrible of a son you were.  This didn't start when I was a teenager, some of my earliest memories from 4 and 5 years old is of my father telling me how worthless, stupid and terrible I was.

Being quiet and avoidance became a defense mechanism.  If I didn't say anything and stayed out of the way, my father wouldn't have a reason to berate me.  He still found reasons anyway though.  

Add to it that I entered school almost a year younger than everyone else with poor social skills because of my home environment, and I quickly became a target for everyone to pick on.  Now I just wanted to avoid everyone.

I didn't post this for sympathy, and I don't use my childhood as an excuse for where I'm at today (it wouldn't do any good). You said you wanted to understand why some people are shy, and these are the reasons for me from my past.  

Drake

[Jadnar]

I've been perty shy for most of my life. I figure it has something to do with the fact that I used to move around alot when I was younger. Didn't stay at some places for more then 2 or 1 and a half years or so. So making friends was sorta hard and all. When we settled into a civilian life, I retained that prospect I guess.

Right now, I'm working on being a bit more open. I've yet to figure out how to talk to new people and all. I tend to let them approach rather then I. I find it easier that way.

Though right now, I have prospects of when I get back to school, that I'll be a bit more... nutsoid? I'm going to try and forget some of my strict social standards and just be myself, rather then put a front up, as a techno, sci-fi, science brainiac thingy ma-bob. ^_^ Even if that is what I am.....

[River Ceed]

Greetings!  What a great topic!

Shyness was not in me as a child.  I would walk right up to anyone and start talking about anything.  My mother still talks about how, when I was 3 or 4, she was afraid someone would kidnap me or that I would go off willingly with someone and get myself into a bad situation.  I can remember her trying to tell me and, in some cases (especially after I disappeared for a while to see a new puppy down the block or taste a neighbors freshly baked chocolate chip cookies), begging me not to disappear like that and to always tell her before I went out of the yard.

 Â Shyness started in degrees later.  School had alot to do with it, as BlackPaw mentioned prior.  While I was not in the bottom of the pecking order which was established as early as 2nd grade, I was close enough to it to know what got you picked on and also what it was like to be the victim.  Sometimes, although I tried not to do anything that would lead to me being a target, I was still singled out because I would not tease the people everyone else was teasing.  I have always felt bad when someone else feels bad and I don't like it.

 Â  Skip to age fifteen, when I had a terrible experience with an older boyfriend and his friends.  While I won't get into the details, I will say that the experiences, taking place over an extended time, involved shame, fear, and losing who I was entirely.  I learned the world was not the happy place I thought it to be, where criminals and bad guys were easy to identify.   Much like BlackPaw's father, my boyfriend would blow up at the most obscure things.  Like asking how his day went.  That would get me smacked around.  Soon it got to a point where I didn't know what to ask.  So I didn't.  Enter more shyness.

 Â I think the most harnful thing as far as shyness goes, was that I learned some people are inherently evil and mean, simply because they want to be and can be.  And that you can't always tell until it is too late.  That made me totally shy away from people.  Only my very, very good friends, counted on one hand, and my family were people who could truely know me.

 Â I gradually rebuilt myself and my personality.  Overcoming shyness was a HUGE task in that.  I used to worry about what people would think about what I said so much that I simply said nothing.  I was so shy, up to seven years ago, that I would not even call the pizza delivery place to order dinner.  I can't imagine what I was afraid of, but the whole idea used to make me scared to death.

 Â  I was helped out by good friends, who insisted I learn to overcome such issues.  One of them even refused to eat unless I ordered out via the phone, which lead to us eating.... about five or six hours after I first attempted the first call. : smiles bashfully :   Others insisted on having people come over to visit for an evening, forcing me to spend time with strangers and see that not everyone was bad.

 Â It's been a long road, but it has been a productive one.  I am only really shy now about singing or performing as myself in front of people (not as a character in a play--which is easier since it really isn't you up there).   I am still very cautious when getting to know people, but I still make the effort to be friendly and give everyone a chance.  Being cautious isn't so much a shyness thing now but a defense mechanism, watching carefully for any little red flags of future trouble.

 Â I like who I am today and have alot of fun now, even around crowds.  I don't mind so much if people think me odd or different.  I have learned not to care about other's opinions, unless they are people who truely matter deep down to me.  And that category is limited to people who love me for who I am anyway.  '>

 Â The best advice I can offer to someone who is trying to overcome shyness would be to gradually face the things which make your shyness peak.  For me, it was people and communication.  I DONT suggest confronting a person who has hurt you physically and/or otherwise, but rather cnofront the memories and ideas remaining in your head about it.  Realize and take to heart that you are a person like everyone else and that your opinions matter just as much as anyone else's.  And the best discovery of all could very well be, that being 'you' without fear over what will be thought, said, or done (keeping safety in mind), feels soooo good!  Once that is discovered, it's hard to keep 'you' bottled up very long! '>

River

[River Ceed]

:looks up to the last post she did and sees it was pretty long.  Bashfully she turns to the readers and smiles.:

Well, now I sometimes worry that I talk too much...

:winks and laughs before scampering off to play in the mud:

River

[Yip]

A few months ago I started looking for "little challenges." Things that I normally wouldn't do because of shyness. It was one of these "little challenges" that actually led me here.

Quote (Drake Blackpaw @ Aug. 05 2003, 7:55 pm)

I've been working with a personal coach, and she gave me an assignment awhile back exactly on that.  I was to purposely piss off five people online.

I was actually thinking of trying something like that, but I don't know if I could because that's totally not me. I mean, it's one thing to not worry if you make someone mad, but it's another to make 'em mad on purpose. I have a nephew that does that all the time though. I tell me he should try to be nice. But he just says, "Why? They don't know who I am anyway."

I guess I should try one of those furry mucks. If I'm roll-playing that may help because if I make others mad, they would be mad at the character not me. Right?

Quote (Keshiji @ Aug. 05 2003, 7:49 pm)

Personally I am very shy, since I am afraid to make a mistake with my actions or with what I say.

That may be part of my problem as well; I am somewhat of a perfectionist. I think that's part of what makes it easier here; I get take my time to think about what I what to say.

[Drake Blackpaw]

Quote (Vararam @ Aug. 06 2003, 10:54 am)

Quote (Drake Blackpaw @ Aug. 05 2003, 7:55 pm) I've been working with a personal coach, and she gave me an assignment awhile back exactly on that.  I was to purposely piss off five people online. I was actually thinking of trying something like that, but I don't know if I could because that's totally not me. I mean, it's one thing to not worry if you make someone mad, but it's another to make 'em mad on purpose. I have a nephew that does that all the time though. I tell me he should try to be nice. But he just says, "Why? They don't know who I am anyway." I guess I should try one of those furry mucks. If I'm roll-playing that may help because if I make others mad, they would be mad at the character not me. Right?

My first attempts were on two different mucks.  The problem I had was that I kept running into really nice people/furries.  I didn't want to do anything to make them angry as they were being so friendly.  I had better luck on forums.

I didn't want to be a troll when completing the assignment and just randomly pick a fight with someone to have a fight.  I started looking for topics on forums I was a member of that I felt very strongly about, and then responded to posts that made me particularly mad when I read them. My responses weren't to posts that had well reasoned arguements that were against what I believed, but were aimed at the people who visciously attacked everyone who didn't subscribe to their own way of thinking.

It took many attempts before I was able to state my views in a forceful enough manner that they received any notice.  Some forums are full of flamewars, so it takes a pretty nasty post to get noticed.  I really only succeeded twice in making others angry. However, in both instances I had other people coming to my defense when I was attacked back and referring to my post when making similar arguements.  It actually made me feel quite good.

Look for something that makes you angry and then respond forcefully to it.  Look for forums that have discussions on politics or religion, as these are places where passions run high.  I wouldn't try it on this forum, like my first few attempts on the mucks, everyone here is too nice.  '>

Drake

[Yip]

I had no intentions of trying that here. This place seems... safe to me. And I wouldn't want to mess that up.

So I guess what your saying is, whenever I choose to try this, I should look for someplace where people aren't nice.

Quote (Drake Blackpaw @ Aug. 06 2003, 12:22 pm)

My responses weren't to posts that had well reasoned arguements that were against what I believed, but were aimed at the people who visciously attacked everyone who didn't subscribe to their own way of thinking.

That sounds like a good idea. I'll have to keep that in mind.

[Cravin]

I'm shy in RL. I admit it I was at AC and talked to only a few people, usually they were on the other side of a vender table. Except for this one fur that came up and honked my nose and thanked me for "last nite" before relizing he had the wrong guy we chatted for a few minutes.  

I think the reason I am shy is my Dad had his favorite "Don't be stupid" I heard that alot and I still hear it in my head when I get in a conversation "don't be stupid".  Its hard to think of what this stranger might find stupid, so how do you know what to talk about?

I then (somtimes) get the nerve to start a conversation by relizing I have nothing to lose, and its better to face the fear than remain alone, the first ten words are usualy the hardest, after that it gets easy at least I think so.

[Kada-Ru]

At one point I was asked to give a presentation about the fish I kept and bred. I was really shy about being in front of crowds. The program chair asked me to do it in a couple months and I told him no way! I would need at least a year to get the nerve up to do it. He said ok.

So, for a year I worked on my presentation, which helped as far as what I was going to be talking about and how I was going to present it. I was still so very nervous!

The year was almost up and it was time. My ex and I had prepared the presentation to be provided off my computer and we taped it on our vcr while it was being presented. Something that had not been done before as far as we knew. Every one else always used a slide projector.

Anyway, we were there early and got everything set up and I kept telling myself I was ok and I would do fine. The other members started showing up and I 'appeared' calm and collected. Not inside!

Well, 10 minutes before it was time for the program chair to call me up I got so nervous my ulcers started acting up and I had to keep heading for the rest room! At 5 minutes till he came up to me and asked if I was ok. I looked at him, red faced and looked like I was sweating and told him, "Yes, I think so."

I went to the ladies room one more time and then I was introduced to the group. (They already knew me but it was different now. I was going to be talking to ALL of them instead of me listening like the rest of them to some one else!'>

Well, I got up there. The computer was set and ready to go through the over head projector. Then they turned off the lights. There also went my presentation!!  Come to find out the over head projector was linked to the lighting of the room!

I had another pause and I was already petrified. They asked if I could give the presentation with the lights on and I said yes.

Lights went on and my presentation slides on my computer came up on the projector. I took a deep breath and started talking. Once I started talking about something that really meant something to me I was lost in my own little world and it didn't even seem like anyone else was about. I was in heaven!  '>

My presentation was only supposed to last an hour but it lasted for an hour and a half. When I was finished and heard the applauds I couldn't figure out why I had been so scared or shy to get up and talk about something that was dear to my heart.

I haven't done it since but mainly because I have gotten out of being so invovled in fish and fish clubs. Now, I am into art and I can chat for hours about that!  '>

I guess the moral of this memory is that to help with shyness, try talking to someone about something that really interests you. Not something that may cause a flame war or such.

If you really like cars and you can rattle off what type they are and every part of the engine compartment etc., then go with it. Talking about something that was dear to me really helped me a lot with over coming some of my shyness.

[WhiteShepherd]

River Ceed:

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Well, now I sometimes worry that I talk too much...

Talk TO much?  Then I'm doomed.  That's what WhiteShepherd's do best I wonder? '>


It's too late for a long reply.  But I'm sure I'll make it up.  Growing up I had a very hard childhood and have and always am very sensitive to the feelings of others.  I've always been protecting and taking care of those who needed help.

When I broke from the pain of my past and opened up, my personailty became more open.  As furs that met me at Anthrocon know I'm very polite and friendly at the same time.  I also tend to help people open up.  

Quiet furs would show up for the Furtopia party I'd smile and welcome them.  As I was working setting up I'd tell little humors of my experiences and laugh and then they would laugh.  Soon they were smiling chatting too and I could see they were having a good time.  I don't like people/fursons feeling left out.  I was there as a child and I won't permit it.

I think through my replies and actions a lot.  I'm also good at motivating and managing small to large groups of people.  

I've always been good with infants and children too.  I raised my younger brother and sister from infants.  Though I hope some day to have children of my own and be a good example to them.  Wether they are shy or not is up to them and their personailities.  But I'll help where I can. '>

Well I guess that is my... um.. yeah um.. SHORT reply. '>

Good night furry folks!

 Â  WhiteShepherd

[sylentwulfie]

Been there.

I remember a time back in high school, I was not only shy but quiet (Goes with the territory).  Around school, I was referred to as "uh...you." or someone else's name in place of mine.   Things got to the point where I was voted the most quiet in my high school year book and I didn't know there was a poll going on!   I overheard a friend who pointed my name out on the yearbook to his friends and they all went "It's WHOOOoo??".

Seems shyness has a partner named quiet...

Some time later on my first job, I was going around the office delivering reports to the office staff and on my last drop off I came up to the intended reciprient and walked into her cubicle.  I was standing a couple of feet away with her left shoulder towards me when I started speaking.  Well, I've never seen a person scare so bad.  I just apologised and left.
Came back, dropped off the reports, then left.

Breaking the barrier...

The turning point for me was my first office xmas party.  I was sitting at a table along with some co-workers from my department.  I began to learn our department was the only one not in the habit of participating in the entertainment segment of the party.  While every other department was making fools of themselves on stage in front of everyone else, we were on the sidelines watching them.  At some point during the party, one of the customer service reps created a xmas poem for us to read on stage.  We took it and debated how it should present it; should it be presented as a group, should one person do this, any other suggestions.  We were running out of time while debating this like it's some major project.  I didn't know why, but I spoke up and said "I'll do it".
I was already in trouble when I was handed the poem.  I had never seen it and I only had a few minutes to rehearse it.  After I came back from the men's room, I was kind of ready to present it.  When it was over, I got a standing ovation, I made my department look good, and even the wife of the CEO asked me to dance!  Back at the office, I was referred to by my own name and not "Hey, you".

...and that's why I'm called sylentwulfie!

[Nobunaga]

well ive seen this thread here for a while and i thought id throw in my 2 cents, i've always been extremely shy, i have trouble starting conversations both online and in rl, i never had a parent yell at me or some sort of bad experience, i just feel like no body cares to hear what i have to say, its easier to just be quiet and watch the world go by, youre right sylent shy and quiet are never very far apart, doesnt help that i dont know anyone anything like me around here, no anime fans, no furries, not even the odd gamer, ok im done whining now, thanks for listening, later all
btw: Vararam, youre avatar's awesome

[Yip]

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...i just feel like no body cares to hear what i have to say...

I can kinda relate to that. I've always been into computers and stuff, but never known anybody else who was. Whenever I try to talk to my family about that stuff, I get the impression that it all goes over their heads. That and I'm usually not into whatever they're talking about. So it does tend to make me keep to myself.  Though my nephews are into video games like me, so I can at least talk to somebody about that. (At gatherings I'm sometimes teased about not hanging out with the adults)

I can't recall any traumatic events from my childhood either. Makes me almost think I was born shy, but I can't remember that far back.  '>

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btw: Vararam, youre avatar's awesome

Thanks. I like it. Toony foxes seem to be what I draw best. That and trees.