Author Topic: A small poem (Read 2776 times)

Manethran · « **on:** June 19, 2003, 01:33:06 am »

A few years past I lost my writer's flame. I have been trying to rekindle it. You maybe able to guess a little at my inspiration. Please be brutal in your criticism.

"I feel that you are slipping away,
I must tell you how I feel today,
I open my my mouth, but it goes dry,
You turn to me and I cannot help but cry,

You see my tears in wonder of what is wrong,
I must say it for the urge is strong,
I say I love you and clasp your hand,
I watch in fear and shame as you stand,

Your stare seems to last an eternity,
I know that if you leave I shall grieve eternally,
My heart is in agony of loss, but your hand grasps to mine,
You pull me close and say all will be fine,

I stand shocked in astonishment,
I have always wished for this moment,
In fear I wait, could this be true,
Then it happens, you say I love you too."

Nobunaga · « **Reply #1 on:** June 19, 2003, 02:22:57 am »

hi murph,
i can sympathise with the losing of ones flame, for many years writing was what kept me sane and then one day it just went away, but i too have been on a revival of sorts lately, it a good feeling isnt it. as far as any criticism goes, mines far from brutal, youve captured a very special moment impeccably, congrats on a great piece of poetry.

~shameless self plug- read my thread "First fur related poem"~

Manethran · « **Reply #2 on:** June 19, 2003, 02:42:03 am »

Thank you Nobunaga. Loved your poems too. The angst that is expreesed in the beggining is part of my life now. This is a scenario that has played out in my head a hundred times.

Dexter, you know, the fox · « **Reply #3 on:** June 19, 2003, 10:19:16 pm »

Well, Murph. I read your poem. I actually read it a few times. Then I saw a few of the comments that came before me and I read it again. You said be brutal, so here goes:

It was not bad. In fact, I would venture to say that it was actually pretty good. On the surface, it seems simple enough. But when I read it a few times, it kind of morphed, Murph. I began to see the fear and hope, the anticipation and the unsureness of it all.

I liked it. It was real. It was honest. It was bare.

Bear Paw · « **Reply #4 on:** June 19, 2003, 11:17:37 pm »

First time im the poetry corner and already a hit. YOu got a good peice of work there. I have too admit it took a reading or too to let it sink in but then it kinda pow hit me as too everything behind it. I liked it and it shows you have promise for more poetry in the future. Keep it up.

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Manethran · « **Reply #5 on:** June 19, 2003, 11:20:35 pm »

Thank you for the replies Dexter and Bearpaw. Dex, your first few sentences kind of scared me (even though I did say be brutal). While writing this poem originally I had to stop a few times because of the pain. It seems hard for me to wrte poems unless there is an extremely strong emotion with it. Everytime I read this I almost cry.

Bear Paw · « **Reply #6 on:** June 19, 2003, 11:30:16 pm »

Pretty much hit the key of good poetry there. YOu can tell good stuff because you can feel what is going on n the poem even if the reading of it dose not seem that obvious. You get a subjuect close to you and you just go with the flow. Some times it can be a VERY personal opening up of yourself you put down on the page. It all add too it now you have the key too it go out and try for some more. It can be painfull it can also be very happy . Whichever once out on paper it feel better and knowing that it can touch other maby even inform or help em gives you a feeling of kinda warm fuzzyness I guess. ( OK im kinda still tipsy so I applagise for the fuzzy bit but im sure you get what i mean)