Furtopia | Family Friendly Furry Forum and IRC Chat!

furry arts discussion => furry storytelling => Topic started by: midnightparadox92 on December 04, 2016, 05:06:49 pm

Title: a hole in transparency: the loop begins, part one
Post by: midnightparadox92 on December 04, 2016, 05:06:49 pm

      Long ago in the constellation haserberous, on a planet called gallifrey, a program has been compromised due to a hybrid as they called him. The paradoxian program was trying to make a time force to protect the planet but it was shut down because the last paradox was stronger than they predicted. When he was conceived he vaporized all that was in the room and vanished among another race known as the human race. There are several forms of a paradox, one in pyrrha, one in an animatronic form, one in zootopia, and one on gallifrey. All of the forms above are different worlds that give a different advantage to a paradox. But what happens in the future...spoilers.


The wind lapped at his legs like an icy fire. “Like I said, you should have worn pants instead of shorts.” his friend Ethan said bundled up in his jacket. “Tell me something I don’t know! It was a good idea at the time.” Paradox or commonly known as “david”, who was 14 years old, born on February 1, 2002, Had been living a normal life in brighton, colorado. But he had an idea, an idea that only the Doctor would think of. Little did he know that there was more reality in his dreams than he thought. So that weekend he went out to a bunch of straw bales and messed around for a while. While he was running between the bails he tripped over a small handle. With all the loose straw it was hard to find again. After feeling around for awhile, he found the handle. He uncovered a door with a lock that had symbols that could only be classified a gallifreyan. he pulled out a key he had in his pocket that he found in his toy chest in the basement of his house. He inserted the key, turned it and the lock clicked open. He lifted up the molding wood only to reveal a dark pit. With a flashlight he slowly descended on a metal ladder deep into the unknown. When he reached the bottom he noticed more gallifreyan script. The space he was surrounded by wasn't too big. As he proceeded he felt a wave of uneasiness followed by dizziness. At last he came to a wall, it appeared his journey had come to an end. He mumbled something under his breathe and the wall separated into two parts that slide apart from each other to reveal a large storeage facility. It had an odd feel to it, as if old… but new. As he walked on it seemed more and more strange, he saw not only gallifreyan tech, but also pyrrha armour. Out of nowhere a sonic screwdriver launched itself out a sonic device ejector. It was an Eleventh doctor’s sonic screwdriver design except it was silver and black and the emitter and core were a creme white. on the bottom was a dial, when he turned it to the right the core and emitter changed to red, to the left the core and emitter changed to green like the original, and to the middle it turned blue. He wondered if it was real so he changed it to the green setting and tried to activate some sort of light but it didn’t do anything. He used the blue setting but still nothing happened. Finally the red setting but nothing happened . . . then the lights flickered on to display a warehouse full of alien tech and armours. In front of him was a key pad with a code. He typed in phoenix P@R@D( )X, and there was a blip and a click. The door slide open to reveal another long corridor. A long row of lights blinked on to reveal a room with a tardis console. He tested the power switch and nothing happened. It was a practice console. There was a bed, posters, shelves of books, FUNKO POP vinyl figures, and other things. There was yet another door at the far back right. It was a closet, but there was something in the back, something big. . .

      “Where’s david?”,mom asked.”isn't he in school? And is it east bromley, or bromley east charter school?”mom asked. they didn’t quite know where he was. But someone did. “Hey, are you guys looking for dave?” ken his step brother asked. they all shouted “YES!!” at the same time. They started to head over to the bales only to find the trapdoor. “I don’t remember that being there.” ken said. “ there is only one way to find dave.” dad said. They started their descent into the dark unknown.

       Behind the wardrobe was an oddly familiar blue police box. He started to open the door when an alarm started to sound. He took his sonic device in hand and started to head for the storage room. The alarms were loud and part of the security protocol apparently was turning out the lights. He ducked behind scrape piles, Avoiding detection as he got around the intruders without making a sound. He jumped out behind  them sonicing them, only to find it was his family. ”what are you doing down here?!?” dad asked. “I'm exploring, and it seems that it's all alien tech.”paradox said. “WE ARE GOING HOME!!” dad said firmly. “I’m sorry, but I’m not going home. This is where I belong.” he said. dad was really angry now,”what do you mean?!?” “I mean I own this place. If you’re going to argue then explain why I know all the passwords. And explain why this sonic screwdriver actually works. Watch.” he set it to the red setting and turned off the alarms. Another alarm went off, “ a containment breach, you all need to go, NOW, it's me it wants. Save yourselves i’ll fend it off.” paradox said in defence. “How? you don't even know how to fire a gun.” dad said. “These creatures eat bullets for breakfast, usually, but that's why i have this.”  turning and pointing at the creature with his sonic, he said,”go. . .to. . .your. . .cell.” the creature scurried away, but only to the sight of the well known golden mist of a gallifreyans regeneration. “NO… NO, NO, NO! Not now!” his eyes started to glow. He sighed,“Well… dad… I guess this is it. I’ll never forget you. Go…” with nothing else to say he let go to his regeneration. The cycles have begun.

Chapter two
“Whats a paradox?”

      Many wonder what the paradoxian program was and what it was for, this chapter will explain it. To start, a paradox is a being that feeds off the reversed energy that comes from a point in time that wasn’t or isn’t supposed to happen. The gallifreyan program was designed to protect gallifrey, but severely failed. Instead all the offspring was scattered throughout the universes and its dimensions. In turn they decided to call them selves night howlers. Most have taken refuge in zootopia, others on pyrrha, some on earth in possibly one location or scattered elsewhere. But only One had traveled through each location looking for a someone to follow him. But you’re probably wondering, “well how did we get to chapter one?” the answer you will have to read on for.

Where to start?

      Paradox had passed out for 24 hours. Like all timelords it was a bit harder to get used to the new body. “New teeth, thats weird. Well thats new. . . i know more than I used to.” he remembered the containment breach. The breach was a lot of creatures. farther down the row was another sell with an old friend. He only went by gameboy talbott. paradox said hello a few times but there was no answer. Taking that he was either sleeping, ignoring him, or was dead, he moved farther down the line of cells. There weren’t too many interesting things other than a beautiful ice blue dragonet at the very end. She took one glance at him and instantly looked away. “What’s the matter?”, he asked only to get a snappy remark, “ you're the one that put me in here!”. He didn’t take a “go away” as an answer,”well can I ask why I did then. And can I get a name?” she cooled off for a moment and said, “my name is glacier as they called me. I was locked up for freezing innocent dragons for no reason. Another reason is that i'm a danger to the universe, that’s what you said before.” paradox started to remember, “you liked me for a time, but we split paths.”they both looked down at the floor. paradox unlocked the cell, and lead her to the main hall and just looked at her. They proceed to the storage room to equip glacier with her equipment before they started their journey out to the great beyond. He first had to find his storage capsule for his gear, then he finally entered the closet. Inside the box was a vast open space he tried used his flash-light, but the batteries some how were drained when they walked through the doors. After walking around in the dark for a few minutes, paradox finally found a switch. Flipping the switch activated a time rotter. the lights still didn’t turn on, but the time rotter emitted a small amount of light. the room started to shake. “ earthquake!” glacier yelled. “No! she’s glad to see me!”, paradox yelled back. the lights flashed on to show the eleventh doctor’s first tardis console room. It was beautiful, the only difference was that there were scarce parts of copper or bronze, mostly blue, black, and silver oddly matching the screwdriver he carried. The tardis made an awesome reintroduction to the beauty of time travel. Glacier asked, “ tardis? What’s it stand for?” paradox said in turn,” trans…” he paused and everything seemed to stand still except for them. “ Time And Relative Dimension In Space, or TARDIS for short.” everything came back to lifelike conditions, but not for very long. The room shook violently as they plummeted to a planet not recorded in the data banks. This was where they started their adventure. . . this is their future. . . to travel with no fear.

Chapter 4
A race to be allies with. . . who?

      The tardis landed roughly but it still gave paradox a couple of scratches. paradox didn’t know why they crashed, or even where they were. Coming from the front doors was a loud knock that reverberated throughout the console room. Paradox snapped out of his trance and opened the doors. two police officers came in. there was a fox and a rabbit. “You have the right to remain silent.” the rabbit said happily, as if she made the best discovery since sliced bread. Paradox was confused, why were they. . . animals? When he started to speak he couldn’t help but notice the huge snout on his face. He looked at his arms and saw fur. He yelled in horror,” HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?”.He was a fox but purple and grey with some black circular swirls. He got a shard of broken glass from one of the blown out light bulbs to look at his reflection. His eyes were a sea blue with slitted pupils. His ears looked as if the tips were burned black. He had gallifreyan symbols running down his forehead like tribal face paint. The symbols were running down his arms as well. His hands also looked like they were burned like his ears. He realized where he was and he remembered what was there that he needed. He looked for glacier. When he found her she had a large bloody gash across her head. She had no pulse. He explained what he needed to do with the body. They stayed in the console room and watched him walk down into the heart of the tardis. There he set her into the heart. It started to glow. A gold mist started to circle the chamber. he  turned to run for the console room, but paradox stopped in his tracks. He turned around to see glacier step into the tardis heart. She looked at him, then walked on. When he got to the console room paradox said they needed to all leave. He locked the door behind him trusting that glacier will redecorate the tardis well. In the meantime, he and the officers had a fight, “ well that was a sight wasn’t it?” paradox said. The rabbit yelled,” where did that.... That thing come from? And how did you land it here?” paradox was still confused,” well time travel, but that doesn’t matter, what’s your names?” they stared at him, then the rabbit  said,” my name is judy, judy hopps. And this is nick.” paradox started to get a headache. He remembered their names but very faintly. He asked what they wanted, but they just walked on. They walked to the Z.P.D, sat him in front of the chief, and the chief asked,” why were you vandalizing public property?” paradox remembered his mission,” um...oh! I... needed your attentions. I want to make a new department on the police force.” the chief just glared at him,”and what would that be, who would be running it?” paradox tapped his foot, faster and faster until it was a blur, a faint trail of smoke. Judy noticed his speed of taping then thought. “This world is under really weak law and protection. It is open to time bandits, and other creatures YOU don't want to deal with.” the chief yelled,” and that is?!?” paradox continued,” this world needs a time and space force, like the… the Z.T.F., Zootopia Time Force. I’ll run it because there is no one as skilled as I am, not yet.” the chief was very timid, then said,” if one of these creatures of yours shows up and we can't control them after 24 hours, we’ll call for you.” paradox was stunned,” that’s plenty of time for them to kill of more than 9/10ths of the zootopia population. That won't work.” the chief was feed up with him and said that he needed to leave. paradox declared that he would be in an old railroad station and left being escorted by the officers. When they were out of the station judy asked,” how fast can you run?” he said,” i don't know. We can race if you want. You remember where the police box is right? We’ll race to there.” nike was the one that said go.” on your marks...get set...GO!” they were off. At first judy was a head, but not for long. Paradox started to power ahead. Faster and faster he flew by at an impressive speed even he was impressed with. He started to jump from wall to wall, right, left, right, left. When he reached the top of the walls he started to run on the roof tops. At the end of the block was a very tall flag pole. It had no flag. So he spiraled down the pole and began to run on the ground again. Before he new it he was at the tardis. He couldn't tell but something was wrong. She looked… dead. He tried the key but it wouldn’t turn. He snapped his fingers...nothing. He sat against the doors. And waited. A few minutes later judy showed up, a few seconds after her nick arrived. Judy was panting. After a few moments they asked what was wrong. “ well…” before he could finish his sentence the tardis doors shook and the lights glowed to life, and the tardis started to shift color to an even darker shade of blue. The doors opened to show a beautiful arctic looking console room that really complimented his fur. The time rotter was tall. At the top there were wires connecting to the console. They were at an acute angle. Startling electricity flashed along one of the wires. In a rotational motion they flashed one by one around the rotter. Then what ever looked like ice seemed to melt to reveal aquatic tanks that served as the the walls. The water shifted colores over time. There was something beyond the walls but he couldn’t tell. There were stair cases going down under the console and had a maintenance panel.He started to walk around the console, feeling the presence of glacier wherever he touched. He threw the time rotter switch, they were off. The tardis detected a threat in bound but paradox ignored it. If the chief is too stubborn to take his offer, then he will let them suffer until they need help. He completely forgot about judy and nick. “ oh… i’ll land and you can… “ be for he could finish judy said,” no we’ll fend off those creatures with you.” paradox remembered all his past companions saying the samething, but in the end it wasn’t pretty.” no, i don't want you to die like the others. It's not right.”
“ but you said yourself that 24 hours isn’t enough time to fend them off. Be like me and go for it.” judy said trying to get him to change his mind. He landed in the tunnel he said he would be in. it was only fair for them to die early on their home planet than live longer and die a worse death not saying goodbye to their loved ones. He escorted them to the tunnel. When he said goodbye they started to head for the streets where they could hear screams from citizens. Behind them there was a familiar sound. Right beside paradox’s tardis another police box appeared right beside it. The doors flew open and the doctor came running out. The doctor was surprised. Paradox and the doctor came within a foot from their noses touching. They analyzed each other, and when they came to a conclusion they decided that they should introduce themselves. “Judy this is the doctor, doctor this is officer judy hopps and nick wild.” judy was really confused. To her and nick they looked identical,” are you twins or something?” the doctor spoke this time,” we are not but we are brothers.” just then another tardis landed. This time it was an old frenemy, the master. “ well what a family reunion!” the master exclaimed.” what are you here for? To take over this world too or to fight me?” the doctor said. Judy tried to break up the argument only to find she needed to have nick help. “ ok ladies break it up! We have a world to save dont we? So let’s get going!” paradox had to explain,”if we don't find his intentions,” he said pointing at the master,” then we will have greater problems than whatever is up there.” hearing this the master interrupted saying,” i’m here to try and save this world thank you very much.” this made things a lot more interesting, paradox had the help of the doctor and the master. This is just what he needed to save zootopia and start a time force. This was the start of something far greater than he thought,” people, we have a world to save and a time force to start!”

Chapter 5
Foiling a plot and starting a legacy!

 they were off to the surface to find it was a dalek invasion. The daleks were of course yelling their battle cry, “EXTERMINATE!” like they always do. One dalek took one look at them and started running for its life, but was stopped  dead in its tracks because the doctor used his sonic screwdriver on it. They tried hauling it down into the tunnel, but it got stuck on some rubble. The dalek started yelling for assistance, but didn’t get to far because the doctor disabled its voice transmitter. They finally got it into the main tunnel for interrogation. The doctor enabled the voice transmitter,”HELP! HELP! THE PREDATOR HAS CAPTURED ME!!” the creature's voice traveled well but not good enough. “ oh quiet down, the more you scream the longer we keep you prisoner. Now why this planet? Why not earth?” the doctor asked but it didn’t answer.  The master pointed his screwdriver at it,” speak or you lose your life.” the master said. The dalek said,” we followed the DOCTOR. But when we found that they had a very influential economy, We couldn’t help but see what they had to offer.” the dalek made no sense.  Why would they invade for economical intelligence. Unless,” you are sure it is for economical use? If so then why so violent?” the dalek just stared. Paradox was tired of the silence, he pulled a sonic blaster and pointed. “ give the info or you will be the one exterminated.” everyone was stunned. The dalek said,” we have no home. skaro was destroyed and we were banished to wandering the universe for a planet that could sustain life and had resources.” this made more sense. They had no more supplies to live off of. But still why so violently? They were running out of time. Paradox said to keep the dalek quiet and ran it to his tardis, planning a surprise intrusion. He landed in the ship right in front of their leader. Paradox came running out but not too far that he leaves the force field of the tardis. The daleks open fired on him, but made no progress. They ceased fire and surrounded him. “ why have you come here?” asked the leader. Paradox had to catch his breath,” i’m…  here… to negotiate… the survival of this planet… you don’t need to take them by force… if just ask someone like me, we can direct you to another planet. Its extremely easy.” it took them a while to answer him but they took his offer and they drew back their forces. Paradox took them to a skaro like world and they set up their new colony. “ now, if you need any help with anything this drive will have a solution  in its memory banks. It will constantly update itself so you can have better info. So please don't destroy other things and their worlds without checking this data core.” paradox instructed. They thanked him and he left and forgot about the dalek they still had held prisoner. He rushed the dalek to a neighboring planet and sent them a distress signal. What the fate of that dalek was was unknown.  From there paradox went to the chief and said,” well, we had a deal.” chief bogo wasn’t to happy at this.” I told you that we would call you if… “ paradox didn’t let him finish,” fine then let your citizens suffer. But i’ll start a force of my own. You feared the night howlers before… then you will fear them again.” he stormed out. Judy tried to follow but couldn’t keep up,” wait! Do we need to really fight about this.” paradox stopped dead in his tracks. He turned, his eyes filled with rage,” THOUSANDS OF PEOpLE WILL DIE FROM WHAT IS OUT THERE! That I can not emphasise enough. That is why the war of shadows need to… “ he stopped speaking, looked shocked, then ran. Not knowing what to do judy went home. Nike decided to follow paradox. Nike found him talking with the doctor. “ well if you think it will help… i’m in.” paradox held out his hand and they shook hands. That was the start of the night howlers.

continued into part two!

Title: Re: a hole in transparency: the loop begins, part one
Post by: Kobuk on December 04, 2016, 08:48:11 pm

But if you're looking for comments and critiques for not just these parts, but also the ones you wrote here too:
.........then you need LOTS of improvement on the following:
a) Your chapters/paragraphs are too huge. Break them down into smaller sections.
b) Huge amount of grammar, capitalization, and punctuation mistakes.  :P
Title: Re: a hole in transparency: the loop begins, part one
Post by: midnightparadox92 on December 04, 2016, 10:42:32 pm
ok... ill work on it... thnx...
Title: Re: a hole in transparency: the loop begins, part one
Post by: midnightparadox92 on December 04, 2016, 10:44:05 pm
soon i will post the second book as well... im close to finishing! did you think it had a good plot?