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Offline Zantyago

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This story has no title yet!
« on: February 15, 2012, 08:57:35 pm »
The alarm clock yells at him, telling him is time to wake up and face another day, he manges to stumble out of the bed before he falls asleep again; on the way to the toilet his mother salutes him “Good morning Zan” “Good morining Ma” he replied, and kept moving towards the sink, he washes his face thoroughly with plenty of water rubs a towel on his face and leaves the bathroom, he hugs his mother as he usually does in the mornings she hugs back to follow the daily routine.

The radio sounded with its distorted voice saying “......Unemployement is in the highest since the Great depression, however the stock market is in an all time high, some economist say the bailouts has done nothing to help those who actually need it...”

Zan remarks: “Same all BS again?” Ma just shruggs “the rich richer, and the poor poorer” Zan tries to ignore the grief and takes 2 slices of bread and slides them inside the toaster pushes the button and pours milk, coffee, sugar and cocoa dust, and heats it up on the microwave.

Ma: Zan, I have to go to work see you at midday.
Zan: Ok, have a good one.

Ma, as Zan call his mother,  grabs her coat, one of her purses and crosses the house’s door to slam it twice on the way out.

“that stupid door always changing it’s size with the weather” Zan thinks for himself.
Zan switches the radio to a rock station and moves the head to the beat of the songs while he eats and sips the breakfast.

Zan, now revitalized by the food and caffeine, goes to the bathroom to take off his shirt and his four socks to get inside the shower, the water was hot and realxing, the fur shampoo was foamy as usual. After a fast look at the cellphone clock,

“Damnit! I must hurry!” the shower got interrupted by the urgency of not getting to class late, so after drying himself as quickly as possible, he gallops towards his closet, and puts on the a shirt, 4 color matching socks and a contrasting jacket, grabs his bag with all the stuff needed for the day and leaves the house galloping after battling with the “stupid” door. Taking adavantage of his centaur shaped body manages to get to class faster in a faster and cheaper manner than with public transport which most of the two-legged people still prefer.

Zan, the 19 year old feline/horse centauroid mutt arrives with 2 minutes of advantage, enough time to chat a little with his lifetime neighbour and classmate Raisa who was already there.

Zan: Hey! I didn’t see you in the way here!
Raisa: I took the other route.
Zan: I forgot you prefer to tarvel more but less interrupted. Tell me, you managed to get the essay right? It’s a pain in the arse to write abouth something that irrelevant.

Raisa nods, and replies with a smirk: “You have to endure this to get where you want to be dont forget that”
« Last Edit: February 15, 2012, 09:58:17 pm by Zantyago »

Offline Jet

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Re: This story has no title yet!
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2012, 10:50:45 pm »
I am a beginner level author, but i can give you some insight from the outside. Firstly, just because it bugs me ssssooooooo much, there are some grammar errors in this story. Sorry, but I'm kind of a perfectionist and a slight "grammar Nazi." I'm no good with names, I've been working on my novel for about a year now and still have no name for it. Some of the characters don't even have names yet. I like the story and, unfortunately, can't see a name for it either. Maybe "Zan's Morning." or a variation like that. I do have a question. Why do so many people write in 3rd person. I write in first person. I feel it can show more of the mental side of how the character feels and thus make him more relatable. I know I can relate more when the character is "I" and "me." Of course you can write however you want, I actually enjoy many 3rd and 2nd person stories. I'm just wondering if it feels better or is easier. :)
"Miniscule conflicts are insignificant in relation to the paradox of life itself." - Me, Josh Karels


PLUR

Offline Zantyago

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Re: This story has no title yet!
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2012, 07:10:19 pm »
After a revision and some more writing:

The alarm clock yells at him, telling him is time to wake up and face another day, he manages to stumble out of the bed before he falls asleep again. On the way to the toilet his mother salutes him: “Good morning Zan” “Good morning Ma” he replied, and kept moving towards the sink, he washes his face thoroughly with plenty of water rubs a towel on his face and leaves the bathroom, he hugs his mother as he usually does in the mornings she hugs back to follow the daily routine.

The radio sounded with its distorted voice saying “......Unemployment is in the highest since the Great depression, however the stock market is in an all time high, some economist say the bailouts has done nothing to help those who actually need it, public debt keeps piling up at exponential rates...”

Zan remarks: “Same all BS again?” Ma just shrugs “the rich richer, and the poor poorer” Zan tries to ignore the grief and takes 2 slices of bread and slides them inside the toaster pushes the button and pours milk, coffee, sugar and cocoa dust, and heats it up on the microwave.

Ma: Zan, I have to go to work see you at evening.
Zan: OK, have a good one.

Ma, as Zan call his mother,  grabs her coat, one of her purses and crosses the house’s door to slam it twice on the way out.“That stupid door always changing its size with the weather” Zan thinks for himself. Zan switches the radio to a rock station and moves the head to the beat of the songs while he eats and sips the breakfast.

Zan, now revitalized by the food and caffeine, goes to the bathroom to take off his shirt and his four socks to get inside the shower, the water was hot and relaxing, the fur shampoo was foamy as usual. After a fast look at the cellphone clock,

“Dammit! I must hurry!” the shower got interrupted by the urgency of not getting to class late, so after drying himself as quickly as possible, he gallops towards his closet, and puts on the a shirt, 4 color matching socks and a contrasting jacket, grabs his bag with all the stuff needed for the day and leaves the house galloping after battling with the “stupid” door. Taking advantage of his centaur shaped body manages to get to class faster in a faster and cheaper manner than with public transport which most of the two-legged people still prefer.

Zan, the 19 year old feline/horse Centauroid mutt arrives with 2 minutes of advantage, enough time to chat a little with his lifetime neighbor and classmate Raisa who was already there. She is somewhat similar to Zan; she's part horse and a centauroid too. the differences she's part hyena as well and brown body all covered with a spotted hyena fur pattern, extremely rare gray eyes and long wavy hair on the head and on the tale.

Zan: Hey! I didn’t see you in the way here!
Raisa: I took the other route.
Zan: I forgot you prefer to travel more but less interrupted. Tell me, you managed to get the essay right? It’s a pain in the butt to write about something that irrelevant.

Raisa nods, and replies with a smirk: “You have to endure this to get where you want to be, don’t forget that”

Zan: “kidding aside, why does it have to be this way? so... industrial”
Raisa: “Make silence now, the teacher is on stage”

The class was about Biology,  metabolism in specific, linked to how the metabolism varies on each sentient species. Zan whispered during class:

Zan: This stuff is for  those who never touched a book before.
Raisa: I know right? Then they wonder why people don’t want to be here, it was so much better with voluntary presence last year. Much more useful would be to learn to make crops more effective or at least not so destructive for that matter.

The class continues, boring long and sleep inducing as usual, the teacher doesn’t seem to care about her task. After said class it is time for a lunch break, the students dispersed, some went home, others stayed.

Zan: Do you want to go to the mess hall?
Raisa: Nah, its way too crowded and noisy. I prefer to pay more for a shorter line and better meals.

The young centauroids head towards the local traditional bakery full of stuff that foreigners are not familiar with, that stuff is considered cheap and good. Zan bought leek tart and Raisa got to herself also a tart, but made of many ingredients, possible leftovers from other products of there. As both of them are walking down the street, the worried voice of a bunny/fox journalist saying: “The stock market has crashed catastrophically 100 trillion have been lost in stock value in a matter of of minutes You can see the anger, fear and confusion of the stockbrokers here, this is a pandemonium!... apparently a small group of these broke people are marching all in one direction. We will be back to you when we discover what are their intentions”. The outdoors report gets cut and the broadcasters switches to sport news.

Raisa: Oh dear, that cannot be good.
Zan: Next days are going to be insane... still we are not done yet today, we have to get back to class.

When the students are about to return to class something strange is found at the door a note taped to the door saying “class canceled due to major force situation”.Raisa adds with a bit of surprise “That has never happened before. The old fox never failed to give class” Zan replies: “Oh well, at least in my case, its time to go home, see you around Raisa”. The taur friends hugged each other goodbye and parted ways. Zan thinks to himself “Maybe this is what all those videos on the internet have been warning about, still I don’t think this is the meltdown those sensationalists love to preach about, probably yet another “bailout” will come up of this, and everything will be as usual.” thought with a mixture of optimism and cynicism he knows the powers are not going to allow this situation to go even further.

On the way home, Zan doesn’t have to hurry, his day what task-wise over, that particular day of the week was short, so that day he could relax, meet a friend, play some video-games or whatever suits him, But in the way he finds a march not of workers on strike, not from activists of some sort, Those marching folks wear suits, some with golden watches, only a few are females and those who are look like businesswomen and in some cases trophy wives with stuff only appears on fashion magazines. Zan approaches there driven by curiosity. Zan asks to one of those fancy suits what are they doing to later discover that they are being escorted by SWAT teams  who certainly don’t look friendly; Zan instead chose to go around them he knows swat teams and rich angry people nearby is not a healthy mix for someone who does not look like one of them specially after seeing someone who was making insulting gestures at the marching ones getting beat down savagely the poor guy was just covering his head I think the cops broke one of the antlers. Zan, driven by empathy and curiosity ignores what his rational mind tells him to do and returns to the scene just to discover that the beaten down deer was still there, in pain, He approaches to him.

Zan: are you okay? What’s your name? “Luis” the bruised deer replied.
Zan: Let’s get you to a hospital, let me help you.

Zan extends his hand to the deer, Luis grabs it and difficultly stands up, but fails to stand upright, and his body was covered in bruises and blood from his mouth. “Let me help you: I will lie on the floor, and you ride on my back”. Zan lies down on the floor as he said we would. Luis manages to claim on his back. Zan asks: “Where now?” Luis answers: “Just take me home its 7 blocks and to the left if you take that street”. As Zan walks not too fast, curiosity strikes:

Zan: Why did they beat you up?
Luis: I was speaking my mind to those fancy-pansy suits and how destructive they are.
Zan: You know, that was not a very wise move; they already know what most think of them, they just don’t care”
Luis: I had to! Remember what happened 80 years ago?
Zan: The stock market Meltdown?
Luis: By causing this crash they just made this mess worse for everyone else. I really hate them.
Zan: You should spend your energy doing something about surviving this possible meltdown; and get healed too. Complaining will do nothing.
Luis: You are right, but still, they deserve everything we can throw at them. What’s your name?
Zan: My name is Zan, pleased you meet you.

After that, for some reason, both kept quiet until Luis said “Leave me here”, “Can you walk upright like so?” Zan, inquisitive and skeptical asks. “Yes, my legs hurt, but I can move them now” The centaur youngster shrugged “just be careful when you step down”.

The deer just takes out the key from his back-pocket and enters, trying to hide his pain,. Zan was Peeking from the windows of the house just to find Luis been received by a shocked female anthropomorphic deer of about the same age as Luis who was carrying his infant son.

Its more or less 2pm now and Zan has some time left before Ma gets back home, so he returns to his house “I really wants to know what on earth is going on now! What will come out of this circus!” Says to himself, so the obvious answer is to return home, log to the internet ans see if the relevant sites are not flooded with visits.  On the way home he saw someone with what appears to be expensive clothing shutting down a window, and seconds after a gun fired from the same area.
Zan rushes to get back home, as he perceives things are going a bit insane. Zan manages to return home safe and sound after seeing more agitated, sad, and angry people.

The moment he opens the stiff house’s door he finds his mother, terrified, almost to the point of crying. Zan had no idea what to do but to hug her. Ma just hugged back, really tightly.

Ma: I'm so glad you are safe
Zan: Why? What happened besides the stock market crash?
Ma: There were riots in the colleges, students are being pepper-sprayed and the private banks refused to to buy all the dead shares.
Zan, absolutely shocked opens his bag, picks uphis cell phone and tries to call Raisa. Nothing,
Zan: Service is saturated. I have no signs of her. I better go to her house.
Zan rushes in to the hyena girls' house and presses the ring's button... nothing. Not even their parents are there, they must be working or protesting. Zan just hopes she was keen enough to stay out of the riots but he also know that she's a hothead so she might still be in the middle of the events. Defeated, she returns to his house looking a bit worse then when he left it, Ma asks: “Is she missing?” Zan nods, and goes to his room silently turns on the TV...... nobody covers the riots... all he finds was babbling about numbers and stock market nonsense. So he turns off the TV and switches on His computer and goes to the internet streaming sites. He found one that just started to cover the riots, nothing really special just some anarchidiots throwing stones and wrecking the place out of sheer anger, and others just for the thrill or perhaps other motifs, thinking they are doing some sort of good to all. No sign of Raisa, not a single one. he just keeps on watching and still nothing. Zan approaches to her mother and says: “I will go find Raisa; I will look for her in hospitals and police stations. I will avoid crowds” she replied. “Just be very careful, if you need me just call”
Zan rushes to the police station nearby, after asking the cops he is told she was not there, then runs to nearby clinic after giving the descrpition; nobody was there that matched the description, he has no choice but to go downtown again, where riots are still raging and skirmishes between police, unions, bankrupt stockbrokers and posiblly other factions develop in pockets with only the formerly rich people and police really standing out. Zan saw in the way to downtown a luxurious car being set on fire by Molotov cocktails possibly the same group that wrecked the place while its owner has been dragged out and beaten almost to death. Zan kept moving he wants to believe Raisa is safe and sound but probsbsly will not be the case; after dodging more pandemonium the teenager centaur reaches the largest hospital in downtown:
Zan: Excuse me I’m looking for Raisa Laughingteeth, she’s 19 slim and has 4 legs like me, has brown fur and spots all over it. Her legs are horse-like. Here, have a picture of her face.
(Continues, this I what I have so far)