Choleric
Moongaze glumly sat, her chin in her paws, her eyes glazing over at the computer screen.
The deadline for her paper was on the horizon, but all she wanted was to explore the horizon. She wanted to be swept off her feet on a grand adventure. She wanted to experience the romance of fieldwork, watching the males paw at the earth, seeking treasures of lost time…watching the stars at night as the fire of alcohol coursed through her veins…wondering if any male even found her remotely desirable one moment and wondering if her research would be understood the next.
The Word document glared at her, its bright white page screaming for her attention.
Moongaze huffed in frustration, her ears pinned back. She slammed the laptop shut and briskly walked to the adjoining hallway. She had to get some air.
She walked out of the busy museum halls, trying to ignore the cries and crowds of cubs in her wake. She caught sight of her mentor out of the corner of her eye as she temporarily fled the building, making her way toward the street.
The coffeeshop down the way from the museum offered her solace during these choleric moods she suffered as she wrote. She wondered if her mentor even had the same problems. She sighed, considering the years of experience he had, how much better he was than her at everything. She pushed the thought away as she entered the shop, desperate for caffeine and sugar, anything to ease her clouded mind.
Another jaguar, a melanistic one she had never seen before, sat in front of a laptop, his brows furrowed. His tea was untouched at the table, his bespectacled eyes glued to it as hers had been moments before. Moongaze felt her cheeks flush and realized she was blushing, staring at this newcomer with a little too much intensity.
She cleared her throat and turned her attention to the waiting barista. The barista, a mink, grinned cheekily at Moongaze.
“He’s cute, huh?” she murmured, tilting her head toward the male jaguar across the room. Moongaze blushed even more, upset she was feeling so flustered in his presence. It’s bad enough I am distracted when I write, now when I get my coffee, too?!
Moongaze grunted, “Uh, yeah, sure.” The response was terse, but her temper was already flared. She hadn’t written a single sentence all day, and the paper was due in less than a week. Thousands of words, and not even one could work its way onto the page. Her tail lashed in annoyance at the thought. “Can I get my usual?”
“A dirty chai, coming right up!” the barista blurted a little too loudly, definitely within earshot of the male in the corner. Moongaze was grateful he was too absorbed in his work to even twitch an ear. “You know,” the barista added, winking, “he ordered the same thing.”
“That’s great,” Moongaze forced a smile. She hated making small talk when she was so upset.
“You should say hello,” the barista went on, oblivious to her frustration. “He looks like he could use a pick me up!”
“Maybe later…” Moongaze took her chai hastily and was about to walk out the door when the male darted in and snagged a stopper from the self serve cart.
“Oh!” he grunted, his crooked grin highlighting his bright blue eyes. “Sorry about that!”
“It’s okay,” Moongaze lied. She tried to avoid his smile, his concerned gaze as their eyes met.
“I’m Riley!” he grunted, his smile fading somewhat as they shook paws. “I’m visiting for a little bit, and I am doing a story on the museum. You’re Moongaze, right? I think we’ve met before, it’s been a while, yeah?”
Moongaze paused, studying the melanistic jaguar carefully. “…Riley?”
“Yeah!” he grinned again. She swore he was blushing too, but his pelt hid it well. She smiled a little, more out of courtesy than mood.
“I think I remember you…yeah! It’s good to see you again. I’ve got to run, though…I have a paper to write and…”
“Oh, you’re doing more research!” Riley grinned, appearing thrilled. “Sounds awesome!”
Moongaze bit her tongue. She was tempted to eschew her mentor’s demands right then and there, to bemoan the lack of imagination required in scientific writing, but she simply gave a polite nod. “Yeah…it’s…”
Riley grinned even bigger, a glint of mischief in his eyes. “…it sucks!” he pronounced gladly.
“…what?!” Moongaze’s jaw dropped. She found herself suddenly sitting across from Riley, her anger slowly melting away and changing to relief.
“Yeah, it sucks. It’s so tough to write on a deadline, to change your every word to suit your editor’s whims. It sucks to see your baby be butchered, to watch it writhe and bleed out and then to revive it as a ghost of its former self. Ah, yes, to be a researcher again! I don’t miss it.”
“But…isn’t that what you do…?”
“Not to the same extent. The process doesn’t get any easier though…” he grinned, setting his jaw in his paw, holding his tea with the other paw gently. “Let me guess, you haven’t done a damn thing?”
“…no…” Moongaze was ashamed to admit, blushing.
“Neither have I.” Riley’s anger matched hers. “I can’t come up with anything. I keep thinking about the tour I just took, the meetings I have had. Nothing. Nada. Nope. I keep wanting to write about fieldwork, for some weird reason…”
“…me, too…!”
“Wait…you, too?” Riley tilted his head. He chuckled, “Are you sure we’re not on the same wavelength or something?” He closed his laptop, drank his tea, stared at her, amused.
“I…I don’t know why I can’t think of anything except being in the field,” Moongaze felt her eyes well up with tears. “..I…I hated it!”
“Ah, from that anger comes powerful work,” Riley grunted, fascinated now.
“…huh?”
“My last trip to the field was due to frustration…I…I can only do that right, in my life. Just dig and stare at bones that are long gone. That’s all I know how to do well. That’s all I want to do, half the time.” He turned away, gazing out the window longingly. “Ah, to be swept up in the adventure of deep time!”
He paused, he gasped. “Wait! Wait wait wait…” he felt an urge to type maddeningly, and Moongaze stood.
“Um, are you--?”
“I am more than okay,” he grinned up at her, his eyes flashing behind his glasses. He typed furiously, and gently murmured, “…thank you.”
Moongaze’s mentor swept into the coffeeshop, searching for her. She was transfixed as Riley wrote, his grin lighting up like it hadn’t in ages. She wished she could feel that way.
She snuck off before her mentor could catch her, chai in her paws. She felt dizzy, thrilled that another could feel the same as she about writing. She sat on a bench by the museum entrance, dazed.
“Write what you know,” her mentor’s voice soothed. He sat next to her, as he had done so often all those years ago. “Write what you know, hm?”
“Oh!...oh, no, um…I know I am supposed to be working, I am sorry…”
“It’s okay,” he grunted. “I could tell you needed a break.”
They sat, watching the visitors come and go, the birds darting beneath the benches and chattering amongst themselves.
“I…I don’t know if I can do this,” Moongaze confessed. “I haven’t done research in a long time. It’s been tough for me to think much less write well lately. I’m…I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be like me to succeed, Moongaze,” her mentor shook his head gently. He stood. “Your voice will come, in time. Think it over, write when you can. No pressure, ok?” He squeezed her shoulder and ascended the steps, heading inside the museum once more.
Moongaze sat, tears in her fur. She felt so foolish, for being so mad. She didn’t know why the words hadn’t come to her. She envied Riley then, and let the feeling go.
I really need to get back into my work, she thought as she turned around to go inside the museum.
“Wait!” came a familiar call. Riley bolted up the stairs, his eyes shining and his enthusiasm sparkling. “Hey! Let me help!”
“…you…want to help?” Moongaze paused, and Riley faced her.
“Sure! You helped me,” he breathed. “It’s only fair.”
“I…I don’t see how my sour mood can help anyone,” Moongaze lowered her head, feeling embarrassed.
“Nonsense!” Riley beamed. “I was in no better shape than you. You know, you are rather inspiring!”
“…really…?”
“Yes!” Riley tilted his head in the direction of the museum. They walked inside. “Think about it—how many cubs have you passed your torch to? How many look up to you? You know a hell of a lot more than most ever will in their lifetimes. You…you helped remind me of that.”
“I will never know as much as…”
“No one knows everything,” Riley shook his head, tilting it, staring at Moongaze. “Sure, some of us are good at certain aspects of paleo, not everyone is a fieldworker, so what! I think you’re great, and I think you have potential. I can help you edit your work as you go, if you’d like. Gives me a chance to appreciate my editors!” he chuckled.
“Oh, I don’t know, I don’t want to burden you…!”
“You’re not,” Riley grinned. He sat next to her, rotated her laptop around, and typed a paragraph on the blank page.
She wanted to experience the romance of fieldwork, seeking treasures of lost time…watching the stars at night, beacons of the past…wondering if her research would be understood and appreciated in the years after publication, long after the years of pain in the process had passed. For writing as a scientist is never easy, it is often a skill we don’t use enough in this day and age. Know that this work you are about to read is one she has labored on for more than enough time. She volunteered her time to travel and see the world as she does, in her eyes the dinosaurs of long ago live again, and in ways more detailed than many can ascertain. Thank her for it, and thank you for reading.
Moongaze’s eyes filmed with tears. She wiped them away as she started writing, the glare of the computer screen in the dark room the only light in her path.
