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[Loc] Gelby

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Loc *hugs* I can feel some of those emotions your going through and you have a right to your feelings! It's not easy adjusting to what your going through! I know the feeling of looking at your body as "the way it used to be". Living as my pre-illness self I didn't give my health much mind other than an old comfort of knowing my life/health was a constant. I found myself wanting to forget I had suffered a loss as if nothing ever happened.  Perhaps because I was ambushed by my health and had no say in the matter? Those nagging painful memories late at night like to creep back sometimes into my mind when I'm distracted, lonely, or not feeling well. They needle you like a mental ache you can't dodge when something inside of you wants to say  you say, "Please not me!".

For me it was my strength and my back which I held a lot of personal pride. I've always been a big strong man (a bit in the tummy too unfortunately later in life ;) ). I was stronger than most my size. As an example, I was once was jumped by 3 men who grabbed me and was trying to get me to the ground. I picked all three up and tossed them like sacks of potatoes into a big briar bush which bound them by their hair and clothes. Growing up on a farm I would cary 120 pound bags of salt from the truck like it was nothing. I walked home from high school 5.3 miles (often went through a pair of shoes a month). Later in life I used my strength as a helper/care taker for many others. I shared my strength for the joy for others who had no one to care for them. That "was" the me I remember and never thought would change. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with fast advancing Rheumatoid arthritis and Psoriatic arthritis. For all the strength in my old arms, today it is often too painful to lift my arms even over my head. I struggle to even walk across the house. Getting out of bed is so painful I often cry out in pain.  I also like you fall victim to my own thoughts of this health ambush. My comfort concept of a future me was thinking my future self would never change for me health wise. All of my dreams of building machines and traveling are likely gone. I would wonder, "Is what I had in the past all that I have left to love about my life?  Who will love me with the romance and passion that I desire now that I'm a cripple? Who will care for me when it's me that needs a caring hand? In those clawing thoughts I can sometimes feel my self pride slipping away into fear in the night.  Me and you we didn't have a choice of what sudden fate we got. We have a right to our feelings of loss and wanting to avoid them. Though we can no longer change our fate. We must remember that we can always rise to meet our fate if we "chose". It's our mind that builds our reaility, love, and hopes, and ultimately who we will still become. One of the reasons I restarted Furtopia is because I can still work on the computer to help others and furs. Find purpose in the new you that you will find each day! As I deal with my pain, I want to focus on the light inside of me to still change myself and others for the better. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Your feelings are legitimate and deserve to be felt. But you also deserve once you re-find yourself again to rebuild yourself with love kindness and understanding based on this new you! :)

Good luck Loc and let me know if you ever want to chat. :)

Jade Sinapu:
Very well put WhiteShepherd!

Gelbstoff passed away in his (yes, keeping us guessing until the end, Gelby was male) sleep last night, due to complications around long-term liver failure.

He was safe, in his warm hide, and I was keeping him syringe fed so he wasn't hungry.

He will be cremated, and his urn placed next to Dany's.

Jade Sinapu:
I am sorry.  I am glad he had you with him to take care of his needs.

Sorry for your loss.  :'(


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