Author Topic: Untitled Story Beginning (Great title, huh?)  (Read 1419 times)

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Offline Smart Wolf

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Untitled Story Beginning (Great title, huh?)
« on: November 23, 2012, 01:57:37 pm »
                                 August 7, 2014
   The road lay ahead of me, masked only vaguely by the fog. Travis's voice rung throughout my head with the same old message of “So how'd it go, tiger?”

   I rolled my eyes, biting back the desire to remove the phone from my ear. “How the hell do you think it went?”

   He paused, saying “Oh, sorry. See ya in a few.”

   I let the device fall aside on the passenger seat, answering to the chilled air “Yeah, see ya in a few.”

   I rubbed my eyes fiercely, rolling down the window. As the blanket of wind flashed over me, I took in the white expanse, a sliver of grass racing my car, the only one it could ever win.

   I fought off my eyes' drooping longer still as I pulled into the old brick house's driveway. His footsteps reached across the dissapating mist as I steped from the old accord, my eyes coming to meet his sharply chiseled face.

   “What did you want to tell me, exactly?” I crossed my arms, wating for the ghost of a smile to leave his face.

   He opened his mouth, taking a moment to initiate a sound. “I got the job.”

   A smile cracked my lips as I responded “Good, I'm glad. When do you start?”

   He led me further along the driveway, saying “Tomorrow. Do you know what I could do if I had the funding? I know my ideas would work, Fen, I know it!”

   I took a breath, stopping to shake my head. “Look, Trav, I know you're excited, but, but just cool it, okay? Everyone says the same thing, at first.”

   He looked back at me, his smile ever wider now. He griped my hand, leading me into the house and argued “You just haven't seen the math, have you? Come on, I'll-”

   I pulled back, saying “No, I've seen your work, and it's just like all the rest of the ideas floating around nowadays. It's usueless, even if it's posible. So just let it go, and save the big ideas for the people with tenors, okay?”

   He flipped his eyes at me and said “You know, just because you get a few bad dates dosen't mean you can crap all over my ideas, Fen.”

   “Just go back to church with your 'sweetie pie', and leave me alone, 'k? I slammed the car door behind me and squealed the tires as much as I could.

   The fog's blanket began to move from my face, albeit gradually. I tapped my fingers on the bench, the sharpened nails clicking against the forest green of the metal. In the still foggy distance came the rumbling of the bus, at last.

   I was ready to start the first day after high school, and I leaped from the metallic grasp, the stuffed tail rubbing against my leg. I waited for the white behemoth to stop, and gripped the railing of the bus as the driver's eyes came across me.

   I felt my chilled lungs wait for his exclamation of “What are you doing,” and laughed as I skipped past him.

   I then announced to the bus's other occupants (which, I noted, included only two students at the time) “Oh, I just like wolves!”

   I went to a seat halfway down the bus and awaited the engine's newest grumblings, and turned to face the two guys' stares from the seat diagonal mine. I tilted my head, and slid on my ears, laughing at their frozen expressions. “Do you want to say something?”

   The one farthest me-black haired with green eyes- piped up, saying “Why, though?”

   I rolled my eyes, responding “I dunno, I just like it. And I like seeing everyone's faces!” I pointed and the closer one's face and giggled once more.

   They exchanged glances, then the first one continued to say “Umm, okay...,” he took a breath and went on, “How long have you, ya know.”

   “Since I was five, I just didn't want to stop after Halloween. Anything else?” I tilted my head again, waiting for the awkward silence to commence.

   He fufilled the prophecy, talking with the second guy for the duration of the trip, the only sight outside the window being continued fog. I felt the bus screech to a stop finally several minutes later, and took a deep breath, standing to face the front of the bus, and stepping off onto the ice-tipped grass at the base of a large hill.

   Beside me shone the University of Alaska sign, the logo sending a spark in my heart as always. I smiled wider, and nearly sprinted up the steps, waving at the onlookers.

   At the hill's apex, the gleaming white campus beamed at me. I resettled the strap on my bag and marched onwards.

   The buildings flew by the car as I pressed the pedal against the floor hard as was possible, blood red bricks watching me go. I shook my head at the recurrence of this morning's scene, knuckles white as I gripped the wheel all that much more.

   I sped through the mini mart, snatching what I needed and throwing the cashier the money. As I stormed out the building, a scent of hickory still strangely upon me, a though came across me, of what Travis had wrote only days earlier.

   The jumbled equation distorted and ever present, I took off again. The thing pounded against my head, the centermost portion of my cranium pounding as a red sheet descended over my eyes.

   I bared my teeth, snapping my hands in avoidance of a red car. My head's pounding shot up with the sound of a thousand gunshots, my body vertical then horizontal.

   My stomach's contents eploed out my mouth, the red metal's fist moving to intercept me, to stop my rapid freefall. I allowed the crimson intruder to take me, and felt twisted darkness descend.

   I went along the bare trail, the sun low against the white edges distant. I sat down, cross-legged, onto the brown carpet, and layed back, my own hazel hair reaching around to tickle my face.

   The needles on the tree above shimmered with the sunlight, the wind massaging my face's valleys. I exhaled and let it, my mind warping into the familiar state.

   Over a few minutes, the sounds of the college's sunset, of the people's ever more distant noises, even of the wind, began to fade, replace only by the vibration. The vibration, and the invisible yet ever-present rope, which I clug to as I had so many times before.

   I pulled up, and up, and more so, until I felt the tether release at last, the etheric wind carrying me onwards. Then I smiled to myself, knowing what could next be done, my makeshift mind brimming with possibility, with sheer potential.

   I selected a few, and used what I had learned over the years, the world metamorphosizing into a new one, distant yet real.

   I relaxed once more, and melted into the flow, feeling a room encompass me, a metallic stench washing over me. It came stronger still, and I looked around the tiny dark room, seeing a window, glowing with immensly bright light.

   Beside me lay the source of the smell, a man whose face lay dripping with blood, eyes wide, wet.

   I layed a hand across his face, asking his name. The air tensed, his eyes moving in their sockets just enough to register my face. He let a tear mix with the blood, and asked “Take me, just do it. Take me to wherever I'm going, I-” he cut off, sobbing softly into my arm.

   I felt myself slip away ever so, and took another deep breath, fighting to stay calm. I moved my hand over his bloodied scalp, the moisture slipping from my fingers, still clean of the blood. “I'm not, I'm not,” I shook my head, realizing at last his meaning, his intention. His eyes pulled up towards my own once more, their gray hues punching my gut at once.

   “You have orange eyes?”

   The moon bit into my retinas, which snapped shut, repelling the glare. I saw the eyes once more, and looked into them as long as I coulod before they disperssed into black. That had never happed in projection before, I didn't think it could.

   I opened the beaten spheres once more, and slowly worked up the stamina to walk to the road, thinking on the experience as I began the trek home.

So...whaddya think so far?
So much to do...

Offline Varg the wanderer

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Re: Untitled Story Beginning (Great title, huh?)
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2012, 04:51:48 pm »
It's a good start! I think you have some thing to really make a great tail (hurr hurr) here. One thing though, you switched perspectives between Fenris and Lupa, both in first person. This makes for awkward reading, as the reader's mind doesn't shift easily between them when it's written this way.
      If you want to show things from both people's perspectives, try writing in third person omnipotent ("all knowing" or "all seeing"). When written this way, the reader's mind easily handles moving from one person's eyes and ears to another's much more easily.

Other than that, and some formatting with your dialogue (PM me if you'd like some suggestions), I like it. Keep writing :)  These are just aesthetic details that have nothing to do with the story it's self.
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