Author Topic: Fangsong (Story)  (Read 1615 times)

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Offline Fal

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Fangsong (Story)
« on: July 25, 2013, 08:58:26 am »
Okay, I'm making this thread for my story, but if anyone wants to talk about it I'm also making a separate thread to talk about it in, so that the story thread itself can (hopefully) go on without becoming a cluttered mass of junk. So don't post anything in here please! :)

Okay, here's hoping it works! *crosses fingers*

June 18, 2124- U.S. Transport Vessel Athinion, Low Orbit, Argos

   Two figures stood in the midst of a small, dimly lit bedroom. They held hands, watching the wall made only of glass. The image beyond the glass was hazy, only a dizzying array of lights brought on by the plasma barrier only just beyond it. The leftmost figure, a slim man of twenty, stood encompassed by a red-outlined black jacket. Boston’s blue eyes shone softly.

   And beside him stood a slightly taller man, eyes deep green.  Jason smiled, kissing Boston’s head as he pulled him tighter into his chest. “Told you we’d make it here didn't I?”

   Boston nodded, closing his eyes. “Yeah, yeah I guess you did. I’m glad I listened to you. Wish my parents could have come though.”

   A shrug on Jason’s part, followed by “They wanted us to go together, they know we wouldn’t be happy if one of us stayed on Earth.” He rubbed Boston’s chest, smiling. “Besides, they’ll get enough money to come here too, just give them some time, okay?”

   “I will, I promise.”

   Jason nodded and returned his gaze toward the window. There, the two men saw a more solidified image form as the plasma barrier stabilized. Now, they could just make out a magnificent green orb foreshadowing the yellow Epsilon Indi. The planet’s still fuzzy form was continuously broken by countless artificial shapes, bright flashes of light coming from them.

   “Hey Jace?” When Jason only hummed in response Boston continued “I love you.”
“Love you too ‘Boss. “

   As several more minutes of muteness  passed by, the plasma barrier’s velocity came to equal that of the ship’s. And when it did, their view of Argos crystallized at last, showing them a billion trees swarming the planet’s surface. It was peppered with numerous lakes, all shaped by humans to fit the landscape.

   Its grand, multi-national terraforming having been completed only twenty years prior, Argos had only seven cities with encompassing farmlands. Boston sighted one of them, a massive complex of pure white against the enormous expanse of perfect forest. He pointed, asking softly “Fenix?”

   “Yup. You said you wanted to move there didn't you?”

   Boston only smiled, laying his head against Jason’s chest and letting sleep soon take him. Jason stood there, holding his ‘friend’ and watching their new home spin round and round.

June 20, 2124- Lake Ontario

   High above the fat bodies of two Avior troopships soared. With four wings and attached propellers each, they took the form of mighty rectangles above in the darkened face of the nighttime heavens. And now they came down vertically, making such a ruckus that I retreated further into the confines of my blue-shaded hood.

   I saw those two white vessels now make a meeting with the ground of the humans’ overly-sized hangar, a dome of nanite steel now reforming over the square structure. I let my eyes drift upon the other inhabitants of the hangar, finding human pilots commercing with one another aside many tens more Aviors.

   And beyond them stood the admittedly short white walls of the hangar, gun-brandishing humans at any of the ten revolving doorways about them. I quickly flipped my eyes to movement at a room buried into the farthest wall, set at a height nearly that of the ceiling.

   It bore a glass face, with four men inside at small tables. They stared into the glowing face of four holographic monitors, paying no attention to the new inhabitants of their control room. Those new peoples wore dark-tinted hoods, black to denote their duty as Adepti assassins.

   They withdrew slim disks, directing them at the humans’ heads. I nodded, looking down as they finished their objective, sending a thousand degrees of infrared laser at their targets. I surveyed the rest of the room, listening to the end of human conversation as the lights went dark.

   As their screams encompassed me I recited a prayer, one of forgiveness, to myself.

March 4, 2126- Deep Space Colony York

   In that vast darkness of space, a single shape was there. It was a vast cylinder of metal, rotating slowly. About the moon-sized can were four smaller-sized orbs, a thin sheet of plasma atop each one. Within them stood a maze of still growing farm products, each orb heated by the ground below it and lit by the plasma sky above, a deep red hue.

   Only one more shape dotted this achievement of humanity, a large ring at the front of the cylinder. It had at its center a brilliant light. However, the source of the light could not be identified, as the light only appeared at either end of the black ring, with none at its very core. And through that very ring, through the abstract light of the tachyons, a white craft appeared.

   It bore no markings, only four wings, a propeller affixed to each. At the Avior’s rounded glass head a single pulsing beam of light shone. And a few moments later, the Avior slipped through a minute crack within the enormous cylinder before it.
   Within the traversing shuttle’s cockpit, two figures stood. Both wore dark hoods, one a deep silver in hue, the other the color of indigo. The silver-hooded figure sat on a bench, carefully cleaning the dotted muzzle of a long rifle.

   It made no motion as it asked in a female voice, none one too soft or harmonious, “How long did Fenris say we had?”

   The other figure sighed. As it did so it revealed its voice to be feminine as well, albeit less rough than before. But not quite human. “A week. Silvia, why don’t you just ask him this stuff yourself? He’s your brother!”
   Silvia made no movement in response, sliding a gloved finger along the trigger of the weapon. The purple-hooded figure now made to face the front of the room, out at the metal hallway the Avior now traversed. “If you don’t know why I hate him already, then I guess you never will.”
   There were no more words left to be spoken, as the craft had now made its way out of the long corridor and into the cylinder’s interior. Below the Avior was a city complex of white spanning the length of the dome, on towards a series of long, plasma-lined tunnels likewise to that which they had just now left.

   And above their craft were clouds, many many clouds. They were the color of gray today, with a mist that extended on down towards the population center below. These clouds however had a solidity to them, with individual lights affixed to them all over.

   The ship of white now soared below those clouds, propellers slicing the air with a silence. And inside, the two figures watched as the onboard computer navigated the hulking thing to a skyscraper, walls now of reflective black glass. A hatch just beyond the cockpit opened a second later, revealing the glass wall a solid surface just inches beyond the open door of the Avior.

   Silvia stood, slinging rifle over back and readjusting her hood. She tapped her companion’s shoulder, saying “Make sure you’re here when I get back Vex.”

   And with no further communications save a swift nod, Silvia Tennor stood at the opening’s edge, staring down to the human pedestrians thousands of feet below. She removed her hood then, an unoriginal  alien face revealed. It was one with scales, silver scales, and a large scar beneath one of her grey eyes. She nodded, and replaced her hood, legs bracing beneath the black jeans she wore.

   And, a moment later, she had hurled her weight through the glass of the building, rolling into a metal desk. As she stood, a human stared on, brown eyes stuck on her form. Silvia stood now, letting the man see her eyes. She grinned, reaching out with a single hand to pin his arm to the desk.

   With her other she withdrew the rifle, waving it about a bit before throwing him to the ground. She walked a bit across the tan bedroom to him, and showed him the muzzle of the rifle, slowly caressing his cheek with it now.

   The white-haired man closed his eyes, and smiled. He nodded, and spoke “I knew you’d come. I told those idiots not to treat you all like animals. But they don’t like taking orders, now do they?”
   She only glared at him, displaying a wide grin. Silvia brought the ancient weapon to rest against the old man’s forehead, drawing finger to trigger. “You could have made this more fun you know.”

   He only closed his eyes. “At least I die by you and not those gun crazy loons.”

   “I respect that, Mr. Marnov. If you weren’t human I’d try and save you.” She rolled her jaw a moment. “Oh well.”

   With a loud boom, Alexi Marnov was made dead.
Happy Dragon, Sleepy Dragon, Hungry Dragon *licks lips*

Offline Fal

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Fangsong (Discussion)
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2013, 08:59:01 am »
Okay, if anyone wants to talk about my story Fangsong do it here
Happy Dragon, Sleepy Dragon, Hungry Dragon *licks lips*

Offline Kobuk

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Re: Fangsong (Discussion)
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2013, 07:11:33 pm »

Offline Marius the Shusky

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Re: Fangsong (Story)
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2013, 01:55:15 pm »
I enjoyed the story! I got majorly confused because of the time jumps, but after another read I got back on track. :D

However, I got confused as to what was going on, as it didn't seem to be so clear. It could be that the time jumps distorted the story a bit or that some things were not clearly expressed. A good example was the scene--the settings--I had trouble trying to figure out what was going on or was the situation either good or bad without giving it another read. I also felt that the hook was not "hooking" enough, if that makes sense. For future sense, work on a hook that will draw the audience to the story and leaved them with the wanting to know what comes next! :D

Here's what I really enjoyed: Choice of words and their placements, descriptions of certain elements of importance that cleared things up, grammar and punctuation was acceptable but could be improved :D.

Notice that the bad things are bigger than the good? Don't you ever think that's because you did a lot of errors: I'm encouraging you to take all of those thinks into a future account so that next time you would like as good as Stephen King! Forward and Upwards, friend!
"Echale ganas!"