Author Topic: Battle of the sky  (Read 3780 times)

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Offline Aiolos621

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Battle of the sky
« on: November 14, 2013, 07:14:20 pm »
This is my attempt at a background story for my fursona. Aiolos is a WW2 era american fighter pilot from an alternate history.

a bit of a background of the background
Immediately after the attack on pearl harbor the axis captured Alaska allowing them to construct airfields in Canada putting the US on the defensive. most of the story (if I keep it going) is going to take place over Seattle and the Canadian-Washington border defending the Boeing aircraft plant.

Feel fry to give feed back and point out any editing stuff that I missed
so without further ado, here is the rough draft

Mission 1, over the Canadian-Washington border, normal patrol consisting of 2 P-36 Hawks

   Wing tip to wing tip the two Hawks flew. Aiolos scans the sky in front of him searching for any sings of movement, nothing in sight they moved forward. he looked over at his wingmans aircraft it showed the signs of harsh combat missing paint and still unpatched holes from enemy fire. His own machine, A hand me down from a pilot that suffered from an extreme case of shock, was not much better and badly needed replacement parts that were not easily spared.

   Movement, three dots came into focus on the horizon. as they got closer one of the dots veered off and disappeared into the clouds Aiolos assumed he was heading back to base to report the sighting of the allied aircraft. his wingmans voice  sounded over the radio jarring him from his thoughts. "looks like three is heading home" then there was a pause,  "lets say hello to the other two". Aiolos keyed the radio and transmitted that he would focus on the dot on right or "two" as they nick named him.

   The dots take shape as two German BF-109s Aiolos could not tell what model exactly but he knew they could out maneuver him with ease. And so the dance began, the four machines weaving around in the sky testing each other for weakness and fighting for a position of advantage. Aiolos felt overwhelmed as he tried to remember everything from his two weeks of his all to short training, he focused on keeping the altitude advantage over Two, not an easy task given the state of his machine and the apparent skill of the 109s pilot.

   Suddenly the game was over, the sky erupted into a inferno of tracer fire and machine gun rounds. Pulling the stick hard to the right Aiolos Struggled to line the 109 up in his sights, Two banked hard left then right trying his best to get the young pilot off his tail but Aiolos managed to stay put, then in desperation the 109 pilot inverted his aircraft and pulled back on his stick rapidly diving beneath Aiolos. Following the 109 he could here the Hawk groaning under the stress and begin to feel himself black out, what felt like an eternity later he completed the maneuver and found him self right behind Two. Dazed from the lack of blood during the maneuver he sloppily maneuvered into firing range.

   Paine exploded in his left ear as a 20mm round ripped through the canopy and burred itself in the instrument panel, dozens of rounds slammed into the machine as the third 109 opened up on Aiolos. Cursing under his breath he dove and skimmed along at tree top level weaving in and out of the clumps of pine scattered around the area hoping to become a harder target. More shots impacted along the fuselage and the controls became more and more unstable. Smoke was now pouring out of the engine and right wing, the Hawk bust into flames and the 109 disengaged leaving Aiolos to the fiery doom.

   Yanking back on the stick as hard as he could he fought for altitude, he had to get high enough for his parachute to open to have any chance of survive. his ear throbbed and he felt the warmth of blood making its way down the side of his head. He had a brief moment as the machine lumbered its way skyward to stare at the hole in what used to be his instrument panel. ringed with small chunks of flesh and splatters of blood. The round had passed close enough to killing him that it would now forever serve as a warning for the rest of his life. Satisfied with his altitude he rolled what was left of the hawk and let himself drop out of the cockpit parachuting to the ground bellow.

Offline Marius the Shusky

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Re: Battle of the sky
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2013, 01:53:03 am »
Ah yes! More interesting stories to read in this part of the forums!

To begin with: A very nice draft! However, it was a bit too short and did not provide much information on Aiolos, except to show that he was a skilled pilot. For me, it did not seem like a backstory, for I would be expecting to know a bit more about the protagonist. But oy! A draft is a draft and it does not mean it is polished!

I like the format you are using for paragraphing, but watch out for the dialogue placing and grammar/punctuation. When someone speaks, what I recommend is to have a separate paragraph that states what that entity is saying in proper format (quotes, grammar, punctuation--the whole enchilada), the feeling/flow/rate etc., and the actions (does not have to be in this order). Allow me to explain by example: I'll take this part of the story and change it over.

*rest of the paragraph*. his wingmans voice  sounded over the radio jarring him from his thoughts. "looks like three is heading home" then there was a pause,  "lets say hello to the other two". Aiolos keyed the radio and transmitted that he would focus on the dot on right or "two" as they nick named him.

*previous paragraph*. His wingman's voice sounded over the radio, jarring him from his thoughts.

"Looks like Three is heading home," the voice said over the crackle of the radio. After a brief pause, it continued: "Let's say hello to the other two."

At this, Aiolos keyed the radio and transmitted that he would focus on the dot on the right or "Two" as they nicknamed him. *paragraphs continues*

Does that make sense? It's one type of format that splits things up really nicely and I personally enjoy using because it is easier to guide the audience on who is speaking and give them a feel of your pattern for future reference. They would clearly see that someone spoke in the radio and then Aiolos responded. Play around with that and see how you like it! ;)

Scenery: There was not much scenery to picture :( Always take a minute to describe some of the surroundings. Make SURE that you plant that little painter in the audience mind and tell him what to paint (if you recall our conversation on IRC). The story said it is placed over the Canadian-Washington border. We have a location, but what does that look like? Mountains? Plains? Plateaus? Cliffs? Volcanic? Toxic? Mountain Dew-filled Lakes? Give us something to picture: build the scene for us, we'll be the ones to make the scenery work. Here's a tip: I always find it better to OVER DETAIL things than give LITTLE DETAILS, for you can always cut down the over details :)

Actions: A very good job at that! I personally managed to follow along and understand the actions of Aiolos during the dogfight. I could clearly see the planes chase each other, fire bursting from the barrels of the machine guns, planes being riddled with bullets holes, the engine spark and begin to smoke--exciting! Keep at it!

Overall: I loved the story and I would LOVE to know more about Aiolos the Fighter Pilot Coon Dude :P and how he came to be! PLEASE keep at this! I smell that improvement is possible and that I'll love you forever if you continue!

Recap: Watch paragraphing/dialogue format, don't forget to add details and scenery, good work on the actions. For reference, read some historical/science fiction or the sort and see how the pros do it! Most importantly: practice, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!!!

Over and over and over and over and stop, think about it, and over again. Aight?

Hope this helped! Shusky out!

"Echale ganas!"