Author Topic: Writing critique please?  (Read 1596 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Jacoby Quinn

  • Hero Member
  • My snark is worse than my bite
  • *****
  • Male
  • Posts: 8955
Writing critique please?
« on: November 25, 2014, 10:06:04 am »
I've been considering writing another story while I take a break from editing Covens, Bloodlines, and Roses, but I wanted some opinions and critique on the opening to the new romance/tragedy opening that I scribbled out the other day.
If you have any tips as to how to improve it or change it I'd love it if you helped out.
how many neon pink and black rabbits does it take to screw up a lightbulb factory?

Offline Shim

  • *
  • Male
  • Posts: 4498
Re: Writing critique please?
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2014, 01:43:26 pm »
Well, I had a little trouble following the action due to a rather serious lack of punctuation. I also feel like sometimes, you added words where they weren't necessary.

"His voice cracked as he spoke, the lack of water made his throat seem to burn with each syllable"

Since there was no mention of water before, you could just say "His voice cracked with each syllable." because if he's in a dungeon, it can be implied he's probably not doing particularly well.