Well, I had a little trouble following the action due to a rather serious lack of punctuation. I also feel like sometimes, you added words where they weren't necessary.
"His voice cracked as he spoke, the lack of water made his throat seem to burn with each syllable"
Since there was no mention of water before, you could just say "His voice cracked with each syllable." because if he's in a dungeon, it can be implied he's probably not doing particularly well.
