Author Topic: Two Furrys With Swords (First short story) [WARNING: Violence and mild blood]  (Read 2590 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Flame Reader

  • Full Member
  • A video game can be art and poetic quotes can suck
  • ***
  • Male
  • Posts: 144
Richard, the tall, dark haired Lab, stood holding a sword fit for a knight, as he was one, wearing his military atire, and visible anger on his face as he stared down Aster. Aster, the young, long black haired, husky, stood wearing nothing more than a white t-shirt, and black payjamas. He stared at Richard non chalontly with nothing more than his short sword to keep him armed.

"Richard, Ill give you credit, most military officers only come at me with a gun, as you've learned, that doesn't end so well." Aster remarked.

"Shut up Aster! You've gone to far this time!" Richard called back.

"Going up on stage interupting the presidents speech shouldnt be a felony it should be hilarious." Aster chuckled.

"YOU DIDNT HAVE TO DO IT IN YOUR PAYJAMAS YOU IDIOT!" Richard yelled angrily preparing to strike. "I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THAT SHORT SWORD OF YOURS!" Richard lunged towards Aster at full force.

Aster defended himself with his long sword and yawned. "If I didnt know how to use it I wouldnt have taken down 10 police units with it WITHOUT killing them".

Richard grinned and quickly pulled out his gun. Before he could pull the trigger, Aster had already swung his short sword horizontally, slicing the gun in half.

Upon this Richard plunged his sword toward Aster who promptly jumped over it and swang at the knights sword, knocking it out of Richards hand. Aster landed and put his sword up to Richards neck. Richard jumped and wrapped his legs around asters sword as he tore it from his hand.

Richard flipped back to the ground and threw the sword at Aster. Aster caught the sword by the handle and sliced at Richard who somursaulted out of the way and picked up his sword. He swung at asters paws. Aster jump dived out of the way and grabbed Richards head mid dive as he threw richard into the air. As he somursaulted after the dive he lunged up a kick straight into richards back as he was falling down. Richard recovers quickly as grabs Aster by the shirt collar and kicks him in the stomach. As Aster coughs up blood and try's to recover, Richard readies his sword to strike at Aster. Aster reacts quickly as he throws his sword past Richard and jumps for it.

Richard planned to slice straight behind him as Aster was wide open, if not for the fact that Aster hooked his tail onto his wrist. Aster span Richard around as he grabbed his short sword and plunged it into his ankle.

To avoid Richard screaming or feeling any more pain, Aster immediately knocked him out using the handle on his short sword.

He looked out the window, at all the unconcious officers. As Aster grinned widely, he gloated "Make that 11 units"

So yup! thats my first short story! i want to write more longer series but of course i need feeback. This story mainly focused on what i can do more for coreography (stories wikk have more effort than this) So id preffer that to be the focus of the feedback if i may ask. So, I hope you enjoyed.
fursona done by saiyu! THANKS SAIYU! :D

Offline Old Rabbit

  • Species: Rabbit Artist
  • Birthday wisher.
  • *
  • Male
  • Posts: 16017
    • Art by Oldrabbit
It's a nice little story with lots of action. 

Keep up the good work. :orbunny:
Avatar drawn by me.
oldrabbit.com

Offline Flame Reader

  • Full Member
  • A video game can be art and poetic quotes can suck
  • ***
  • Male
  • Posts: 144
It's a nice little story with lots of action. 

Keep up the good work. :orbunny:
Thanks for the feedback ^^
fursona done by saiyu! THANKS SAIYU! :D

Offline Marius the Shusky

  • Newbie
  • Consuming all of your Mtn Dew and Bruchettas.
  • *
  • Male
  • Posts: 18
Very nice short story indeed! It's been quiet a while since I've read something action-y and, even though there were a couple of spelling and typos here and there, I read it all the way without much trouble or double-takes :)

If you ever get a chance to do another short story like this one, I would love to see if you could build a Scene (what is the environment they are fighting in, the background, the feel, etc). It is helpful to set some sort of place and time so that the reader can get a feel as to where and don't spend too much time worrying what setting to add themselves. Plus, it'll be good practice on being descriptive, if you are interested :D

Would love to see more from you! Keep it up!

(There was one particular place I stumbled: when Richard said, "...I hope you know how to use that short sword..." and then the narrator said, "Aster defended himself with a long sword..." What o.o xD)
"Echale ganas!"