Author Topic: I just don't know  (Read 5274 times)

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Offline Silver

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I just don't know
« on: May 01, 2003, 12:29:34 pm »
I seem to be going through an identity crisis, I've been down for a couple of days now, ever since I seriously started thinking about who and WHAT I am.

I know people who are Therianthropes, or furries and I sometimes think that perhaps I'm something, but I never know what.

It's really hard to explain on a board, for years and years I have been obsessed with wolves, to the point that if they weren't a part of my life I think I don't think I could cope.  Although I see them rarely I like to surround myself with pictures, books, anything I can of them.  

Someone asked me once if I was a therianthrope and I said I didn't think so.  I'm not.  The feeling inside of me could be a yearning to be one or it could be something that I deny because it is not socially acceptable.  I don't know and the uncertainty is really getting me down and I'm supposed to be concentrating on exams, so it has come at a really bad time.

I know I'm new and it's a bit early to throw this sort of heavy stuff at people, I'm sorry, but I, don't know, I guess I just needed reassurence? help? I don't even know that.

I'm not even sure I posted int he right place or forums.

*shrugs*
"You can train a dog with food, buy a man with money but no man alive can tame a wolf."

Offline Kada-Ru

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« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2003, 01:26:16 pm »
One doesn't have to be anything other than oneself. If you don't think you are a furry, don't push it. If you are, you will figure it out.

There are other topics here under "Fursona Troubles" April 29 of other fursons concerns about basically the same topic. You may want to check out the conversations there and see if any of them help you.

On page 3 there is this topic " New Fur in da' Hood!",  "New to the furry life", and "How did YOU get into the fandom?".
On page 4, "What is furry?".

Perhaps some of these can help?

As for obsessing over wolves, don't worry about it. If having all the things about you that make you comfortable, than there is definitely nothing wrong with that.

WhiteShepherd has a lot of wolf pics etc and we both have lots of animal things about us. For me, I am just more comfortable being surrounded by animals than humans. There is nothing wrong with that.

Quote
The feeling inside of me could be a yearning to be one or it could be something that I deny because it is not socially acceptable.  I don't know and the uncertainty is really getting me down and I'm supposed to be concentrating on exams, so it has come at a really bad time.

In the 'fandom' it is acceptable. There will always be things about humans that want to be a little different than the norm and it won't be socially acceptable. That is part of life.

As for your exams, I would suggest concentrating on your exams then worry about fursonas (whatever) after you have completed your exams. Why? Because even though you don't know who or what you 'are', you are basically still human and have to work and live amongst the human race. There is no two ways about it. Get your education. Get into the field you want to work in and during the time, there is nothing that says you can't also look into what you are feeling. Just don't put that as your priority or it could really mess up your life.

Many people in the 'fandom' have human lives and they coexist doing both. One may not know about the other, but they do keep the person happy when not doing the other.

For me, I love tropical fish. That definitely isn't furry!  '<img'>  I do love horses, hence the fursona of a pegasus. I love all animals and I would rather be surrounded by them than humans. Not everyone in the 'fandom' has an animal fursona. It isn't a requirement.

Here are a couple photos of my place:
Small plushies

Bunnies cuz they are so cute and cuddly!

Just some of our 'friends'

We also have lots of artwork about. Not just ones I have created but by other artists.

And of course, all of our computers! In WhiteShepherd's apartment here is a look at Furtopia and our personal computers: Computers

Do others think it is weird having all these plushies/artwork and computers? Probably but that is ok. These are OUR homes and what we want to be surrounded by is for us to say, not others. If you want a lot of wolfy stuffs, that is your right. You are the one that lives in your place. Not any one else. (well, unless you have a mate/SO of course)

So basically I am just trying to let you know it is ok. It is your life and you are the one that has to live it. As for what you may or not be, well, that too is up to you. You will eventually figure it out.

Try and not dwell on it too deeply. Take it in strides and one day at a time. You did make a step in one direction didn't you? You came here!  '<img'>  That is a start.

Good luck! And hey, don't worry about being a new furson here. We all were once upon a time.

Offline Jadnar

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« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2003, 02:41:47 pm »
Hiya Silver. Going off from what Kada Said, Its okay, Don't push it if you don't feel it. Its hard to keep something if you really aren't it. And it isn't healthy. We all have our own ways of being who we are, It's taken me about 2 years, ever since I found out the furry Fandom, of finding my self out. Trying to find me. It's all quite confusing, but in the end it makes sence. If you feel you do have a quest, go through with it, and don't give up. If you don't, well, then you must of already solved the problum.

Kada is also right, focus on the Exams. Searching yourself out can take a long time, but Exam day is just round the cornor. You'll have plenty of time later. -_^

I hope that helped a bit, Good Luck To ya. ^_^
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Offline DrakonianDanceR

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I just don't know
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2003, 03:41:27 am »
Silver, what I feel is important is not what group you belong to, but what you are yourself.  But you say you do not know for sure.  That's fine.  How many people do you think end their lives knowing fully who they are?  I'd say very few.  For your particular case, you say your obsessed with wolves, but you don't know if you are one or not.  What I'd say is don't force the issue on to yourself.  I think too many people do that, and make a rushed and ill-formed descision on who and what they are.

One thing I never want to see you say again is you denying yourself something because it's "not socially acceptable".  Look at human society.  What an awful, terrible, messed-up society they have.  To conform to it is to accept it.  To live by it.  Fcuk that.  Live by your own way of thinking, as it's the only way you'll feel comfortable, and be right in what you do.

You mentioned you are doing exams at the moment.  What are they?  GCSEs, AS levels, A levels?  On this topic I have differing views.  I both agree and disagree with what Kada has said on this.  She is right in saying that it is important you get through your exams, and even if you're not human, you still have to live in their society, and so that means doing your exams.  Though I am not sure I agree with giving them priority.  Granted, they are very important, but so is the issue of finding out just who and what you are.  The exams coming up are not final.  Remember, they can be retaken - that's just what I have done before.  So although they are important, you'll have to think for yourself what is more important to you.

Please post again soon, and if you feel comfortable about it, tell us a little more about how you feel.  I feel we could perhaps not help you, but maybe just direct you the right way.  It is called self-discovery, and so it is not the place of anyone else to tell you what to do.
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Offline Silver

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« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2003, 11:02:18 am »
Thanks to all of you, I've been thinking again.  I enjoy science and in science you always have to be certain, I guess I'm just not used to being unsure, I hate uncertainty.  I've got a friend that after hearing what I've told them says that It is quite possible that I am a therinathrope or a furry.

I love wolves so much that it guts me to think that I might not have a connection with them.  When I managed to get near a wolf I went tingly all over, it is a sensation that I can definately not describe on the board (not that I don't want, just don't have the literary talent neccessary to encapsulate a feeling in a phrase).  

I started having dreams about wolves when I was eight, I dream a lot, many of my dreams I can remember and these ones always seemed particularly vivid.  It took a while but I realised that there was always the same wolf i nthe dreams.  Sometimes this wolf was running with a pack, sometimes it was alone sometimes I saw through it's eyes and sometimes it was just me there and I could feel it's presence.  Those dreams have continued on and off for many many years.  Sometimes they don't happen for many months now, I'm never sure why, perhaps because I deny it I don't know.

I also find that there are very few people I can speak about my obsession to without it turning into a joke.  I don't mind joking about it, but it is a pain when people laugh it off ALL the time, I don't understand what the Joke is?  

Also (before I was told this or I new this trick supposedly existed) I remember looking into the mirror, dropping my head and keeping my eye level, it took a couple of minutes but I could SWEAR that I saw an amber I staring back at me (I'm really not a fruit cake)

It's happened more than once, but I keep thinking that I am simply fooling myself.  someone said I might be a therianthrope and I jumped at the idea mentally and I didn't feel so down, when I woke up though I kinda thought, well what if it's just the fact that I want to be one so bad that is making me go all funny.

Which is why I have this uncertainty I suppose, perhaps I AM denying it, it's only really started to hit home in the last couple of weeks (don't ask me why it's suddenly gotten stronger) I really don't know why.

As for my exams...I'm on a Computer Science Degree at University '<img'> I did my butt and my A-Levels.  So there it goes.

There are lots of other things,k but it would be a very long post and I don't really want to recount EVERYTHING over the net.
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Offline DrakonianDanceR

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« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2003, 03:09:22 pm »
Science is a touchy topic, at least with me.  I personally believe most science to be a fictional practise created by humans to try and give reason for things that 'just are'.  Though some are very strong on it, as you do seem to be, and that's fine.  It explains your dislike of uncertainty.

Your connection with wolves appears to be strong.  Only you can find out truely what the connection is, and what it means.  But there is certainly more than a bit of something there.  Something special.

You say about not being able to talk with anyone about your obsession with wolves, without them joking about it, and not taking it seriously at all.  I can relate to that fully, believe me.  Humans are very narrow-minded creatures, and conform to their small, tight society's 'rules' and ways of behaving and living.  Do not expect them to have any understanding of you being wolf-related at all.  I've had just the same with my Draconity.  To look at it from a human's view, it is very odd that a guy, seemingly like everyone else, that believes himself to be a creature that their science doesn't prove to exsist.  Of course, anyone with an open mind could see it for more than that, and for what it is, but humans on the whole cannot do that, and that's how they see it.  I'm basically saying here, don't bother with them.

And you're a University student?  Granted, degrees are important, but I still stand by what I said in my previous post, that finding who you are is a priority.  As you're not able to concentrate on your studies, if you're constantly thinking over and over about who and what you are.

I know we'll talk more, and I hope that it will prove to be an interesting and useful experience for us both.
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Offline Kada-Ru

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« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2003, 12:28:36 am »
DrakonianDanceR posted:
Quote
Though I am not sure I agree with giving them priority.

I guess I should have been a little more clear on that one. Uhm... I meant that we all are human, sorry for that furolks, and because of that we have to have a roof over our heads, food in the bellies, and pay bills. These are all human things that we need to take care of whether we are fur or not. Getting the education you desire, Silver, will help to support you in the long run as being part of this human race. (Yes, I do prefer animals to humans too.)

Anyway, that is what I was meaning by giving it a priority. Some things we just have to deal with because we are humans by birth. Scary thought but can't change it now. (At least I haven't found a way as yet and I don't think any one else has either.)

Good luck in what ever it is you do, Silver. You need to do what makes YOU feel comfortable.

DrakonianDanceR posted:
Quote
And you're a University student?  Granted, degrees are important, but I still stand by what I said in my previous post, that finding who you are is a priority.  As you're not able to concentrate on your studies, if you're constantly thinking over and over about who and what you are.

hmmms... looking at it from this point of view, I have to agree with figuring it out as a priority since you would be having troubles concentrating on your exams.

What ever you do, I wish you luck!

Offline Silver

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« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2003, 09:15:58 am »
The feeling inside of me seems to have settled down, ever since I started to think that perhaps It might be true it's settled.  

I think now I'm going to be able to actually revise and TAKE IN what I reading rather than just reading and not having any clue as to what's going on '<img'>
"You can train a dog with food, buy a man with money but no man alive can tame a wolf."

Offline WhiteShepherd

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« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2003, 01:34:38 pm »
Your on the road to self learning and discovery Silver.  Make sure you see and enjoy the trip as well as the destination.  I have a feeling these will be special times for you. '<img'>
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Offline Bear Paw

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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2003, 10:46:47 pm »
hey there mate you sounded a little rough back there, you know that I'm a scientist ( of sorts  '<img'>  ) myself and deal in hard tangiable evidense. However there is always room for error even in the best placed calculations this is where things like this fall in-betwen the cracks. You have seen what my rooms like ( yes i mean under the junk) and you know what im like so you can see it's ok to be a little confused. I really only found out what I was ( furry) recently but some can go through life not knowing at all this is all fine the only way to know what you are is to sit down look at yourself and say yep thats me but even then we all change grow and evolve any way so what you are now may not be what you are in a years or even a weeks time  so don't sweat it as popeye say's I ams what I ams.  '<img'> but you have always come across the wolf  '<img'>
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Offline kitty

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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2003, 06:46:24 pm »
I have times when I feel more animalistic than other times, it seams like my sences are for a whille enhanced.  It happens moreso for me when I'm in certain situations.  My self I've been in a dorment state sence I left my homeland, rarely I have it happening any more, very rare occasions I do.
Good bye. (cry)