Author Topic: Quite a large poem.  (Read 2777 times)

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Offline Manethran

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Quite a large poem.
« on: June 21, 2003, 02:21:49 am »
Ok, everyone. I am about a post poem that has no definitive ryhme scheme (What? No ryhme? It does happen) or seperation pattern. It is more like an epic poem, because it is so long. While writing it I realized that there is a lot of detail, but a great many of gaps. I believe that I will turn it into a story. Yet agian I ask for brutal criticism. As I said it is long, quite possibly too long, but what the hell.

~Discovery~

I remember that day,
I remember it well,
You wanted to talk,
You had something to tell,
We met in the park,
And you lead me down a trail,
We reached a place of deep seclusion,

There you stared into my eyes for many minutes,
I sat in wonder of what was to come,
The silence grew to the point of breaking,
Your stare became unsettling,
I told you to let it out,

You let out a sigh and clasped my hand,
I returned your gaze with one of fear and confusion,
What could shake you so badly,
I watched as your eyes filled with tears,
Your grip on my hand tightened,
You opened and closed your mouth a few times,
In a hoarse whisper you said it,
Your voice barely broke the silence,
'I Love You',

I sat in shocked amaze,
Thoughts and emotions filled me,
Confusion, Anger, Fear, and something else,
Out of confusion I lashed out,
I pulled my hand away,
My best was gay?,
I pushed you away and stood to leave,
I turned and headed for home ignoring the pain in your eyes,

Sitting at home I contemplated the night,
How could this be?,
My mind was flooded with thoughts,
I kept thinking of the pain and sorrow in your eyes,
I knew that my reaction was to harsh,
I sat up all night,
Unable to sleep,
I felt a strange emotion,
Could it be?

I sat and realized,
I loved you too,
I greeted the dawn with a tear streaked face,
I thought 'God, I hope it's not too late',

You had not been to work that day,
I got no answer at your home,
I ran over to your house and heard crying within,
I opened the door and called to you,
There was no answer,
In your bedroom I found you,
As I moved forward I saw a pistol in your hand,
I rushed forward and grabbed it from you,
You looked up at me with a blank gaze,
I begged you not to kill yourself,
You asked what was the point of living,
My mouth ran dry as I made my next move,
I could feel in my heart that this was right,

I told you I only had one reason for you to live,
I gathered my strength and grabbed your shoulders,
I had tears in my eytes as I said,
'Live, because I love you too',

The look you gave me so full of joy,
I felt my heart loosen,
You pulled me in for a warm embrace,
We stood the for what seemed an eternity,
With that all of my fears vanished from my mind,

Now here we are,
A few years later,
Two souls that have become one,
Both giving mind, body, and soul to the other,
Niether ever again alone,
Forever Together."

Hope you like it. Tell me if you think I should write the story versions.




Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Nobunaga

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2003, 11:20:59 pm »
theres only one word i can use to describe that murph, (best keanu reeves voice) Whhhoooaaaaaaa.  im speechless as to the depth of feel here, which is quite a feat, other than whoa theres not much else to say, sure the stanzas are uneven and the rhymes are sorta hit and miss, but like ive always said, poetry isnt about rhymes or fancy formating, its about emotions and sensations and making someone else feel like theyre a part of the world youve crafted, and youve done that wonderfully here, true heart wrenching  quality here, its very open and honest, truly good work.
Or i could be wrong, its been known to happen,     a lot,       (headhang and sigh).

Nobu" means "faith", "trust" and "fiedelity". "naga" is the kanji for "long".

Offline Dexter, you know, the fox

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2003, 07:14:35 pm »
This poem I only read once. That's all I needed. Of course I read it again, just because it was so good. It's scary, romantic, and says a lot about life. Forget rhyme. To heck with rhythm. I agree with Nobunaga. Poetry is an art form, but that only means it is an expression and a sharing of deep thoughts and deeper feelings. I would like to read this story when you do write it. But for now, keep 'em coming.

Offline Manethran

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2003, 07:29:23 pm »
Thank you for your words of encouragement the story is now in the works.
Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Manethran

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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2003, 11:17:15 am »
Just an update: I am working on the story version, but I am a very slow writer. Takes me a while to write out my idea to where I like it.

"love is fleeting,
looked and searched for,
all wanting someone to adore,
a chance in a million meeting,

We all want it,
something for all to strive,
helps us feel more alive,
for it we cannot quit,

Looking all around,
we meet the potential,
it cannot all be providencial,
then in surround sound,

We find the one,
no longer we search,
the world gives a lurch,
the blast from a gun,

Love has fled,
the one has left,
leaving us bereft,
heart going dead,

But wait there's another,
maybe this one will stay,
it could go another way,
this one could be more than a lover"




Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Kada-Ru

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2003, 11:27:39 am »
I have to say I like them both a lot.

I do worry about the consistant thought of suicide though.  ':cry:' I know that is a part of some's lives but it is hard to hear about because it is so true and you make it so real in your poetry. And as your second one shows, life does go on for those left behind.

I'm curious about something, Murph. On your profile, it states you are 8 years old. Is this your furry age or RL age? If it is your RL age, you have quite a grasp of life in your poetry that I wouldn't expect in an 8 year old. So, I am of the belief that this is actually your furry age. Still, you do write feelings and emotions VERY well no matter what your RL age!

Keep up the good work. Look forward to seeing more from you.

Do you have a webpage for all your poetry? If not, fill out  this application to get your own webpage here at Furtopia!
My avatar was created on 7-24-2000 (one of these days I need to make a new one. LOL)
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Offline Manethran

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« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2003, 12:45:47 pm »
Thanks for the feed back.

I did not mean for the second one to sound like there was a thought of suicide. The reference to a gun blast was to symbolize the suddenness and often destructive way someone can leave your life. Not by death, just the everyday ways you hear about. "Its just not gonna work out." etc.

The thing with my age is an accident. I'm 18 in both RL and fur, I just clicked on the wrong date or something.

I do not have a webpage for my poetry or writings. I'm not much for webdesign. I would not mind a site, but it may seem a little generic do to the afore mentioned reason.
Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Patrick Rangerwolf

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2003, 05:47:03 pm »
I don't know a whole lot about poetry, but my guess is that the artist that can put passion and emotion to words is as much a picture-maker as the artist at an easel.

Keep on with the writing.
Patrick Robbins

"Any movie with a "preachy" message, be it Christianity, environmentalism, political positions, or what have you, turns away people because rather than letting the audience figure out for themselves what the meaning is, they are told exactly what they ought to think and usually in terms of slogans and buzz words". ~ Brian Godawa

Offline Manethran

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« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2003, 02:11:52 am »
I'd agree with you on that one SOE.

Bare with me, I just had to write something, I'm not sure what it is, but.......


" Life can be the greatest pain,
But it can also lead to joy,
What would one do without the feel of rain,
Watching a child with a new toy,
With these things the sadness can drain,

There are things of delight,
Making this world less of a burden,
So many things to fill us with light,
A fox with it's kits safe in a den,
The reflection of the moon on a summer night,

All these things to make light the heart,
Probably the best the world has to offer,
The very thing from the start,
The love of another,
The feel of a twin heart."
Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Manethran

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2003, 12:41:50 am »
Update from Murph

The story version is almost complete.

I have also begun construction of a website here at Furtopia *wipes a way a tear*..... Thank you Kada, WhiteShepherd, and all that make the hosting of artist like me possible. I hope to have it fully operational soon. You can see the underconstruction homepage, where I put a pic of myself HERE, sorry I look upset in the pic, I'm actually smiling...I think...
Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Kada-Ru

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« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2003, 02:00:27 am »
(giggles) Thanks.

You are smiling you say? I wonder what your facial expression would be like if you were truly happy?

Just kidding. Nice pic and I love the look to your new site. You may not know much about webpaging but you seem to have a grasp of how you want to portray yourself with it!

Keep up the good work and we will be seeing your site FULL of your poetry real soon!
My avatar was created on 7-24-2000 (one of these days I need to make a new one. LOL)
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Offline Manethran

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« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2003, 04:24:33 am »
Another Update From Murph

Well, my site is starting to shape up. I think I may have crossed a line with my warnings and I want someone to tell me if I did. So far the only area with content is the poems and bios.

HTML takes a while to type by hand..... ':.'
My hands hurt lol.
Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Kada-Ru

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« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2003, 11:29:40 am »
Your warnings are just fine, Murph. I did notice that both your adult links go to the same page. That will be changing?

(giggles) Yes, html can be a hassle to type. There are programs that folks use that aren't straight html. I don't know them since I don't use them but others here may be able to help you in that area.
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Offline Manethran

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« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2003, 12:19:33 pm »
I'll get all the links sorted out eventually.  There are other programs. I use "CSE HTML Validator" it just tells me if a tag won't work. Dreamweaver and Frontpage, would be easier to build with, but not easier on my wallet.
Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Kada-Ru

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« Reply #14 on: June 29, 2003, 12:37:14 pm »
I can understand that!

For me I just use Dida-Pro for my html editing but it does have a limit on how much text can be put on a page so I am always having to split pages up, at least on another webpage I do.

When I open it up, this is what I get:

<HTML>
<HEAD>
<TITLE>Created with DiDaPro</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY>

</BODY>
</HTML>

I just create from there.
My avatar was created on 7-24-2000 (one of these days I need to make a new one. LOL)
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Offline Manethran

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« Reply #15 on: June 29, 2003, 06:57:32 pm »
Yet Another Update:


Well, the story version of ~Discovery~ is completed....I think... I may revise it some more some time, but till then its there in the stories section.




Life? Ha, the greatest joke. Tis surely proof that God has a sense of humor, all be it a sadistic one.

Offline Dexter, you know, the fox

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2003, 10:25:21 pm »
A great pair of poems there, Murph. I also read your story and it was just as touching as when I first read the poem. I'll be sure to check back with the site and keep up to date with everything. Sorry I don't know the first thing about HTML or I'd give you some advice. But keep up the good work. And I've felt the flash-bang someone can walk out. It's a real kick in the head.

Offline Drake Blackpaw

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Quite a large poem.
« Reply #17 on: July 01, 2003, 08:01:49 pm »
Mane,

Your work expresses a lot of emotion.  Definitely keep writing.