Author Topic: The Wall of Rain, plz critique  (Read 936 times)

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Offline WOLFWOOF

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The Wall of Rain, plz critique
« on: April 30, 2012, 03:04:43 am »
A wall of rain
Blocking the sun
Bringing pain
Wats done is done

Like knives falling
Down in my heart
Watch life dulling
My world falling apart

Nothing seems to be right
Nothing seems to make sence
Nor seeing anything bright
Everything just more dence

Blood flows like fire
Burning as it spread
Now reaching higher
Painting everything red

Heart breaks in two
As though yanked apart
Not having a clue
How it all came to start

Alcohol to make the pain go
Only to get lost in the darkness
Now facing my greatest foe
Not much more can stop this
« Last Edit: April 30, 2012, 04:00:57 am by WOLFWOOF »

Offline momtofurry

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Re: The Wall of Rain, plz critique
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2012, 02:07:31 pm »
 :'(
To have a full stomach, to daze lazily in the sunshine--such things were remuneration in full for his adors and toils, while his ardors and toils were in themselves self-remunerative. They were expressions of life, and life is always happy when it is expressing itself.
― Jack London, White Fang

Offline Rush

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Re: The Wall of Rain, plz critique
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2012, 03:11:08 am »
Good poetry, I'm really digging the metaphors. (I'm also a fan of dark poetry.) The only real thing I would say is watch your spelling, and I know it's kind of a cliche thing to say, but it's true. For example, "Nothing seems to make sence" Should really be "Nothing seems to make sense".
     If you want to get into the still more technical side, there are some things you could do with the meter, to make it flow better. Think (and I know it sounds stupid) back to when you read Dr. Seuss. He is the absolute poetic king of iambic pentameter. Ignoring the fancy words, basically every line had five "stressed" syllables alternating with 5 unstressed in a 'u S u S u S u S u S' pattern. By no means do you have to use that meter. Just say your poem out loud to yourself and add in what you feel is necessary.
"When they give you lined paper, write the other way." -William Carlos Williams

Blessed be.