Author Topic: Wings as Broken as My Heart  (Read 2463 times)

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Offline ColonelMustang

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Wings as Broken as My Heart
« on: June 29, 2013, 02:25:41 am »
So I wasn't really sure where to put this, but these are lyrics I wrote. All critiques are welcome.

Aggressive I was, acted from love, but spoke with hate
I need to be saved, if only you could see
My Wings are as Broken as My Heart

I feel so ashamed, the way I treated you
I've never felt such sorrow
You were right to cast me out, throwing me to my feet

Now I walk this hell alone
In front of me is a desolate throne
For those with Broken Wings, and Hearts of Stone

These tears I spill, Haunt me still
I needed to be saved, if only you could have seen
My Wings are as Broken as My Heart
« Last Edit: July 11, 2013, 03:48:29 am by SeaOfWhispers »
Sarzon! <-- inside joke


Offline Sergalicious

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Re: Wings as Broken as My Heart
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2013, 12:29:52 am »
dis i like, good job. i cant write poetry to save my life except for maybe haikus
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts...
You are someone else
I am still right here


Offline Natura Wolf

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Re: Wings as Broken as My Heart
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2013, 12:42:14 am »
I can see, well, you in this.  Is this how you feel?

Offline Avor

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Re: Wings as Broken as My Heart
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2013, 02:24:52 am »
I have no comment on the subject, but it feels that you wrote it in haste and it could have been written much better,

While reading it to myself it felt it lacked flow. That your punchulation breaking the  breaks in the sentances made it sound broken and disjointed. Also, some words choices don't work.


It could very well just be me, but I think something like this would read nicer.

"Aggressive I was, acted from love but spoke with hate. I need to be saved, if only you could see my wings are broken as my hearth.



As for your words, mostly opinion, but some things like  "I've never felt such sorry" have to be change to " such sorrow" or "so sorry" in order to make sense.





Offline ColonelMustang

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Re: Wings as Broken as My Heart
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2013, 03:49:28 am »

As for your words, mostly opinion, but some things like  "I've never felt such sorry" have to be change to " such sorrow" or "so sorry" in order to make sense.

I can thank my wonderful auto correct for that
Sarzon! <-- inside joke


Offline ColonelMustang

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Re: Wings as Broken as My Heart
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2013, 03:51:01 am »
I can see, well, you in this.  Is this how you feel?

Honestly its how I always feel. Even when I'm happy it swirls beneath waking for a crack in my foundation to pour forth again.
Sarzon! <-- inside joke


Offline Christiaan

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Re: Wings as Broken as My Heart
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2013, 11:40:21 am »
So I wasn't really sure where to put this, but these are lyrics I wrote. All critiques are welcome.

Aggressive I was, acted from love, but spoke with hate
I need to be saved, if only you could see
My Wings are as Broken as My Heart

I feel so ashamed, the way I treated you
I've never felt such sorrow
You were right to cast me out, throwing me to my feet

Now I walk this hell alone
In front of me is a desolate throne
For those with Broken Wings, and Hearts of Stone

These tears I spill, Haunt me still
I needed to be saved, if only you could have seen
My Wings are as Broken as My Heart
Alright, these are really some amazing thoughts. These images have a lot of meaning in my own life.

Try to pay attention to your meter. You have good metric forms, but it is important to learn how to control and organize them. For example, let's divide your second line into parts:

|I need| The way this reads, you have an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable. This is good for creating a sense of "swing" in your poetry.

|to be saved| This reads to me as two unstressed syllables, followed by a stressed syllable. This creates a sense of a "declining" note, with a "bouncy" flourish at the end.

|if only| Here, the stressed syllable seems to be in-between two unstressed syllables. Read this fragment over and over, and you'll see that there is a sense of a "bounce" in there.

|you could see| Finally, here is another example of two unstressed syllables, followed by a stressed syllable.

If you try, you will find that it's worth it to focus on your meter. You get so much better flow! Just count on your fingers, and maybe write down the sequence of stressed and unstressed syllables. Then, you read ONLY THE STRESS SEQUENCE, not the words, aloud, saying them as "DUM-da-da-DUM-da-DUM." It really does help!

It is a beautiful, emotional poem, though, that reminds me of times when I was young. Thank you so much for sharing it with us!
« Last Edit: August 25, 2013, 04:01:30 pm by Christiaan »